HPD's - Creating jealousy to hurt people

xdude wrote: and he being the passive type

Of course he is, that's why he was chosen

They definitely Love to create jealousy. As most of you have heard by now, "Mine" told me about her coach at age 35 who is 15 yrs her juniour, up and kissed her one day. This was her 2 boys football coach. She even flat out told me that she told me all about him to make me jealous. A few months of silence go by and I break NC to ask about her parents and she never had the courtesy to ask about mine or what was going on in my life. It was then I deleted her from FB. I guess I did the right thing there, maybe I should have just left her on. Just don't want to come across a being a jerk. But again, this is how HPD's work, they make you feel as if YOU are in the wrong. On the other hand, who cares how SHE feels. She said she wanted to be friends before my deletion, but blew it. I will never go back. Stay the course. (Sorry for the rehash, ad nauseum, but some here have not heard my story. )

joliver54 wrote: She even flat out told me that she told me all about him to make me jealous. (Sorry for the rehash, ad nauseum, but some here have not heard my story. )

I haven't heard THAT part. Damn, and I thought mine was candid! Between all our HPDs and the HPDs on this forum we have admissions straight from the horses mouths to all the questions that Nons usually have. We could probably make a post of actual admissions(no theory or speculation) and be done with it!

From a HPD who has done this hundreds of times...

XDude and Santa Fe's initial replies are dead on. I would just be repeating them.

However, can I say... When I made my partner's jealous... It was all subconscious... I didn't even think about it. So, its not like a preconceived thought "I am going to make them jealous, to hurt them to get a reaction", it just happens. You want attention... You want validation... this is one of the many tools at your disposal when in a relationship.

It may not be an answer you like to hear... But, its an honest answer.

cacster wrote:However, can I say... When I made my partner's jealous... It was all subconscious... I didn't even think about it. So, its not like a preconceived thought "I am going to make them jealous, to hurt them to get a reaction", it just happens. You want attention... You want validation... this is one of the many tools at your disposal when in a relationship.

It may not be an answer you like to hear... But, its an honest answer.

I actually take some comfort from that.

cacster wrote:When I made my partner's jealous... It was all subconscious... I didn't even think about it. So, its not like a preconceived thought "I am going to make them jealous, to hurt them to get a reaction", it just happens.

The histrionic I was involved with was not nearly so innocent or unaware. She doled out her share of perverse crap naturally, without overt premeditation as well, so don't get me wrong... but the vast majority of her manipulations were designed to elicit the reaction––reaction was the payoff and motivation. The fact that she could get a little something out of both the action and the reaction does not mitigate her sadistic, conniving nature in the least. Of course if she were to read what I just wrote she would deny, feign innocence, pretend to be empathetic and swear up and down that she'd never intentionally do anything to hurt anyone or take pleasure in anyone's pain. And that would be pure histrionic bu!!shjt. A sadistic, disingenuous histrionic's internal workings are so far removed from what we perceive as possible in the range of human behaviors that it leaves us disoriented. It's easy to swallow the gaslighting and insincere consolations because that scenario seems more consistent with what we believe to be possible than the reality. Once you grasp the degree of disingenuousness and perversity at the core of these personalities it all fits together like a jigsaw puzzle and alters your perception is what is possible.

It all stems from the insecurity of the histrionic. I do not know if I still qualify for the label, after having therapy for what seems like forever. Maybe I will never be cured as such, but the therapy has enabled me to become aware of my inner workings, and gain some empathy towards others. In my daily life, people are now telling me that I am empathic, and I believe this, for the most part, to be true, so maybe the worst parts of the disorder no longer affect my day to day functioning. If there is one thing I have learned throughout all of this, it is the way my mind has worked in the past, and could still work if I do not remain aware of my patterns.

The histrionic thought processes go something like this: "IF OTHERS VALIDATE ME, I AM WORTHY. I AM NOTHING WITHOUT VALIDATION. I DO NOT HAVE AN IDENTITY OR A PERSONALITY OF MY OWN. I MUST APPEAR AT ALL TIMES TO BE PLEASING TO THE SENSES OF OTHERS. IF MY PARTNER DOES NOT PAY ME ATTENTION, HE/SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME. IF HE/SHE DOES NOT LOVE ME, I AM UNWORTHY. IF I AM UNWORTHY AND I PERCEIVE THAT MY PARTNER HAS MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY, THIS IS A CATASTROPHE AND REMINDS ME OF ALL OF THE PAINFUL DRAMAS OF MY CHILDHOOD. IT REINFORCES THE PAIN I HAVE BURIED FOR SO LONG, THAT ONLY FINDS EXPRESSION IN SHORT BURSTS OF DRAMATIC BUT SHALLOW EMOTION. IT GETS TOO PAINFUL TO EXPRESS, SO I MUST BURY IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. IF OTHERS PAY ME ATTENTION, THEN MY PARTNER IS LACKING IN SOME WAY. THIS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF. I MUST PROVE TO HIM/HER THAT I AM WORTHY OF ATTENTION. IF HE/SHE GETS JEALOUS, IT MEANS THEY CARE ABOUT ME. IF HE/SHE EXPRESSES PAIN BECAUSE OF THIS, THEN THEY ARE PROVING THEIR LOVE. I HAVE SUFFERED AND THEREFORE HE/SHE MUST SUFFER TOO. IF HE/SHE IS SUFFERING, THEN THEY ARE VULNERABLE JUST LIKE ME AND CANNOT THEREFORE HURT ME. THE RULES THAT I HAVE LAID DOWN ONLY APPLY TO MY PARTNER AND NOT TO ME. THIS GIVES ME CONTROL. IF I HAVE CONTROL I CAN COPE. HE/SHE IS NOT ALLOWED TO EXPRESS AN INTEREST IN OTHERS FOR THIS WOULD REINFORCE MY SENSE OF LOW SELF ESTEEM. I MUST NOT LET THEM DO THIS. I EXPRESS JEALOUSY BECAUSE I LOVE MY PARTNER, ALTHOUGH I DO NOT REALLY COMPREHEND LOVE. THEREFORE THEY LOVE ME IF THEY ALSO EXPRESS IT. I CANNOT TRULY PUT MYSELF IN THE POSITION OF OTHERS, BECAUSE I HAVE A DISTORTED SENSE OF SELF AND SO CANNOT POSSIBLY COMPREHEND HOW OTHERS TRULY FEEL. I AM OUT OF TOUCH WITH MY OWN FEELINGS, NEVER MIND THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS. I CANNOT FEEL REMORSE BECAUSE I AM UNAWARE OF THE EXTENT OF THE DAMAGE THAT I CREATE, BECAUSE I AM ALSO DAMAGED. MY PAIN IS ALL ENCOMPASSING, EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT FULLY FEEL IT OR RECOGNISE IT, AND SO MY WORLD CONSISTS OF ME, AND ONLY ME. THIS IS A LONELY STATE OF AFFAIRS, BUT I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LET OTHERS IN. I AM AFRAID. I AM A CHILD IN AN ADULT'S BODY. HELP ME. I LOVE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE MYSELF BECAUSE OF THE HATRED I GREW UP WITH."

Gawd that is a good post...


That is seriously, seriously, seriously one of the best posts on this forum in a long, long, long time.


Congrats Masq... The inner thoughts in that post are brilliant.Shear brilliance!

-- Fri Sep 09, 2011 2:22 am --

The histrionic I was involved with was not nearly so innocent or unaware.

That maybe true Sante Fe, but there are six different sub-types of HPD.

Despite being male, I am an Infantile HPD (as pointed out by my pysch - after initial debates as to whether as was also BPD) - probably a more feminine skew. Should you have a Disingenuous HPD... Its bordering on Antisocial... Which is a whole different ballgame.

cacster wrote:Gawd that is a good post...

Yes, very descriptive - pitiful.

Pitiful? Maybe. Skewed thinking? Definitely. Excusable? No. Logical? Given the circumstances of an HPD's upbringing and life experiences, in which the sense of self did not develop normally, to the HPD, this type of thinking is the only logic that they understand at the time. Because their early relationships with the key figures in their life, (the key figures who could not/would not/did not provide for them a sound basis on which to model later relationships) were warped and abusive, they have not learned the unwritten rules of adult relationships, with give and take, empathy, compassion, love, commitment and stability.

These are not my current thought patterns, but they are the thought patterns I subconsciously adhered to during my illness. It is only with the enlightenment of therapy that I can now verbalise them, and describe them. If the post was thought provoking, even shocking, to describe things just as they were for me, then maybe I have succeeded in alllowing the nons of the board to have a glimpse into the inner thought processes or schemas (as my therapist would describe them) of the disordered mind. The disordered mind can only recreate the experiences she/he has known, replaying the dramas of the past, and the childhood issues, creating in her/his partner exactly the pain and fear that she/he is trying unsuccessfully to run away from. This is the only thing the disordered person has known, and they feel strangely comfortable in this painful situation. For her/him, pain, drama and uncertaintly are equated with love, for their role models, the very people who were supposed to provide love, have given them this example to live by. The cycle goes on and on and does not get better. These are not excuses, or valid reasons for creating pain, and to say the disordered person knows no better does not excuse their behaviour. It is only when the disordered person appreciates that their life is not fulfilling them, that they are creating pain in others, that they are damaged, then they can begin to take responsibility. Take responsibility they must, if they are to undo all the damage of the past, and not perpetuate the cycle of abuse. By taking responsibility, facing the demons of the past, acknowledging and truly feeling their pain, they can say to their parents/caregivers/abusers "You did not reach my inner core, the part of me who is human, who lives in harmony with others, who is equal to others, neither better or worse, and can therefore develop empathy, and from empathy, compassion, and from this point I no longer need to live by the dramas that were created for me. I can begin to love and be loved."

Shock, I can hear your pain. I can hear your anger. I can sense you trying to make sense of it all. You did not deserve this. No amount of understanding of the HPD psyche will change your situation. All you can do is begin to learn from this, acknowledge your own pain, vent, question, and allow yourself compassion.