More than 'just' HPD?

I had gotten lost a while back and given my life over to 'Pamela' and her desires, in order to escape my own emotional pain but I've again re enlisted in the struggle for my sanity. In doing so looked further into my previously diagnosed HPD, BPD, (the full spectrum of personality disorders) and bi polar disorder to see where I am, what it all is, and were to go from this point forward

BUT

In doing this, and reviewing my own posts along side the posts and experiences of others while at the same time looking into some of the findings and descriptions of my diagnosed disorders- I've found that not everything is adding up evenly on both sides.

And what I mean by that is simply; yes I have all the signs and common afflictions of a classic B personality and it's many subsiduary groups (borderline, histrionic, some antisocial, depency, and other similarities to the rest) but what I had priviously recodnized as a clear affinity to Histrionic is still not at an equal barring with the totality of my personal mental issues.

My fragmentation (as it was previously called by 'wisdom' in another of my posts) doesn't seem to be listed anywhere on these disorder discriptions. Nore do I hear or see any other HPD's and/or NON's in here relating any simillar tails of discociation/fragmentation on the boards here.

Forgive me, but I'm scared!!!

When I took the term 'fragmented personality' and entered it into Google's search engine- it came out with Multiple Personality Disorder and Discosiative Identity Disorder!

I'm now TERRIFIED!!!!!

I'm beginning to think that I'm further down the emotional drain that I origionally thought I was. While costantly saying previously to everyone, "I'm NOT like Cyble" I'm now beginning to see that perhaps I am more like her than I had ever dreamed. I know that I'm 'split' inside and I have known it for a while, but I honestly though it was typical borderline behavior to be that way- now though, I'm not so sure????

I'm hopeful for change and improvement in my life, make no mistakes about that- but am I in over my head here?
Am I too far gone from 'normal' to pull myself back together anymore?

I'm currently waiting to hear back from my family doctor about being admitted to Toronto West Hospital for an outpatient program at their Mental Health Clinic, and I have a friend who is coming to stay with my son and I, but he'll not be here for another week and a half. I'm holding on to the shreds of my life as best I can right now, but I'm just so affraid I'm not gonna make it that 9 days until my friend moves in, and that my doctor won't return my call in time to save me from myself.

I'm scared- I'm SO SCARED that I have way more going here than just a classic 'B' Histronic/Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm NOT a Hypocodriack- I don't read things and think I have everything I read about- so that's certainly NOT the case! If you read my posts and my evolution of realization next to the link I've provided below, I'm SURE you too will see the similarities in what I've said and experienced in my life and disociations against the described Multiple Personality Disorder.

As I searched the listing that came up on Google under Fragmented Personality, I found a lot of terrifying stuff out there, and the most terrifying of it all is that I DID in fact identify with much of what they said. If you look here:
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro99/web3/Sancar.html
you'll see an excelent write up on it all, and as I read it- I knew it was me...

I don't know what to do, what to think, or even what to say right now...

But I'm scared. I'm affraid of myself and sick of living in my mind. No matter where I go, or what I do, I just can't escape myself, and the more I try to figure this out, the more I'm finding I'm more messed up than I though, and it's just not RIGHT! It's NOT FAIR! And I don't want to die, but I don't wanna live this way either!

I don't know what to do, I don't know where to turn, there's no where I can run because it's all ME!!!!

i don't know what I'm asking here, or why I'm even writing this- I don't think there's anything anyone can do to help me anymore

But if anyone out there who is HPD or even a NON has any experiences with fragmentaion and seperated states of self, please let me know here or privately, because I could really use some understanding, insight and just knowing that I'm not completely alone in this

Thank You

Alice,

I can't help you in what you asked for and not sure anyone on here can either, for what you need.

You need to keep trying to get help. Therapy/meds combo. Do you have anyone that can help get you into therapy?

We all support you here and your cry for help. Keep trying to contact the doc.

In the meantime, hang in there and try to keep busy with other things you enjoy. Things will work out.

C&H

I'm HPD and I do a disassociation thing. especially when life gets really intense for me.

I remember a year or two ago, I was doing a full blown split personality thing when I was at the highth of my being most "stressed out" and confused.

everything your describing I have experienced in the last two years. and it is scary as sh*t..

I tried to tell someone but I was afraid they WOULD lock me up. i'm surprised your TRYING to lock yourself up.

I would have to say it is possibly a normal thing... you know for someone with HPD that is. I think maybe you are starting to ruminate a bit and taking things seriously and considering them. but then, at the same time your watching your own personality come out while your stuck in the state of ruminating? this will look like full blown Multiple Personalities inside your own head. I know it did to me at the time... -> or at least that is what I think happened to me when I was experiencing it. it would come and go for hours, days, weeks at a time for a while there it went on.

and yes I had this wierd state of disassocation and a few wierd other ones where I would sit there and watch myself interact with people but not actually be a part of the interaction.

If your read up on disassociative identity disorder that is what I thought at the time - (but I remember reading into it and it doesn't describe it by how it feels but by how it functions and I remember thinking that wasn't a right description) - anyways, yes I remember knowing I was two different personalities. Just WILDLY different in their manner of function with the rest of the world... it was like I was trying new personality types on just to see how they would interact with everyone else.

i think your going through some stuff.. but it sounds alot like what I went through for like a year to a year and a half.

I remember after a point in time I just remember thinking "well, this a new thing for me, wonder what this is gonna be like..." and just going with the flow of it after while. almost.. releasing control and just watching myself interact with the rest of the world while I tried on different personalities.

I finally went in to go get some treatment when the tv started talking to me, lol. I realized I was having a one-on-one with the tv about 5 mins into the convo and was like, "huh, maybe it's time I see a doc." lol! they gave me an anti-psychotic off and on for like a month or two to get me to calm down.

I say just relax and try to realize that yes, your probably suffering some kind of stress related disorder but also realize that panicing will increase your stimulus responses through the added adrenaline and noraepinephrine from just the pure state of panic your in. that can cause your mental stress to go up. - my point is, while you wait to go to the doc.. try to just keep calm and hang out and wait. do anything other than think about how your nuts, that will make you go nuts in and of itself. seriously.

try just to get some you time in. maybe a couple of warm baths, light jogs, or some tv time.

how long has this been going on? I believe to my understanding the problem I was having was caused by a build up of dopamine in the brain. they gave me risperidone for a while, a pretty nifty anti-psychotic. btw, have you been sleeping enough lately? like a full 7 - 9 hours at least?

Thank you both for the responses- sincerely

How long has this been going on?
The Pamela part of me has been around for at least 20 years now, and while she hasn't always had a name (I call that part Pamela bc that was my name as a stripper and that's what she is- highly sexual to a point of all consuming lust) and she's the part who takes over when I'm feeling overwhelmed, scared, alone, unloved, depressed, ect..
And then there is 'Pleb' I guess I could call it that bc that's exactly how I feel at the time- a hoples mess of dispare, ashamed and unable to call on Pam to take over, the pleb in me wallows in sadness, over eating, sleeping and fits of tears and suicidal thoughts, weak and hopless this piece of me scaresme the MOST. Pleb has been here for a long time, though not quite as listless, always sad and destrought, I think it's been here since my teens, maybe slightly before- but I'm not entirely sure.
There's the enternal optimist (no name given) and always hopeful, looking for that silver linning around every cloud and desprately wanting to make the world a better place by spreading love, compassion and understanding to everyone she can touch. this is my favorite part of me, the part that holds another kind of positive strength, who is more comfortable with being alone than Pam, but at the same lonely. She is comforted by the love of her children and family, driven towards succes in life and always looking towards the stars. I suppose this is who I wish I could be, a loving mother, strong and supportive, a great student and inspiration to all who know her- the optimist only appreared after my son was born, somewhere around 9 nears ago now.
There is Fukcdoll- a diviated verssion of Pam who thrives on the perverse and is over confident, almost concieted (unlike any of my other parts, who love to be adored but are yet humble and well grouned in the fact that they are not overly 'special' or superior) FD is sick and twisted (Pam is light and playful, caring and compassionate along with her lustfilled sex driven ambitions) and I'd have to say that FD is the most evil part of me, gaining more and more ground over time. And while I can't pin point her arival to an exact time and place (I don't remember how old I was when I was doing some of those discutsting things I did) I know that she was given freedom and permission to come forward when I met a man who liked the secrets I was hidding and thought I was wonderfully twisted, and he gave me the permission to set those desires and fantasies free- and like pandora's box- she was OUT!
There is also a child, I don't know who or what it is, but it's an enternal child who runs around the fair grounds, acts like a child with the kids, is crazy, fun and funny and I know it's not 'normal' because people look at me wierdly when the child is present.

And that's just the thing. It's not just me who sees these things, it's my family and friends who see it in me and see the changes too. i can see it in their eyes sometimes, they way they look at me like I'm strange or different- when the child comes out especially, because I'm a 32 year old woman acting like a real child & that's not normal.

I'm not sure if someone holds my anger of if that's just a part of what happens as a Borderline/Histrionic Personality as a whole- but when I'm enraged I'm unable to think clearly, I can't stop my actions (only just have I even tried and it's been working to some extent) and the intense pain of others (only those who have hurt me) makes me happy at this time.

And then there's the Alice in me, the one who wonders about all the rest of my inside fragments, the one who tries to find the reasons and monitor the development of my mental afflictions. I'm not sure, but I think 'Alice' is still under development and not fully detached as of yet. I think that 'Alice' is being created as we speak as an impartial party who can peer inside the rest of me and the pieces, without being hurt or effected by them, to get to the root of this problem and save us all. All mylife I've been searching for saviour; someone to take me away from my pain and free me into a happier life of love and peace. I'm not entirely sure, but Ithink that 'Alice' is my own minds creation of the savior. I think something inside me finally said, we can't wait to be saved by someone else it has to come from within, and my inquisitive self, the one who searches for understanding and answers, a piece of the child, has broken off into Alice and been lended the strength of the others as a protective shield, to do the work that needs desperately to be done.

So those are all my true extentions of self- the separated pieces I have inside, and while there are other facets to me that come and go (like the artist, who can draw, paint and create visual art that the rest couldn't do in our wildest dreams) these are the ones who cause me the greatest issues of discomfort and upheivel in my life.

Like you, I am present in this, usually to some degree, and I remember pieces of what happens after the fact. Sometimes I remember nothing at all, but I'm not sure if it's that I can't remember or I won't let myself remember- I'm not entirely sure how that all works. But when pieces of memorie come to my mind and I don't want to think about that particular thing, I just shake my head and 'turn the page' detach that memory and shove it away so I don't need to feel the pain, guilt or sadness after the fact.

As I'm splitting into these pieces there are mental sympotoms and physical sensations that can occure as well. When the sexual beast of Pamela takes over, my body becomes a flame with lust and I can feel it all over me physically, it burns with such heat that it literally is all consuming. FD does NOT however produce such a numbing sensation to my physical self- that is purely a mental state, the physical sensations only come by direct stimulation of the body, they do not waft over me like cloud of sensation purly due to presence and thoughts. The child produces physical tinglling sensations as well, in the back of my neck and the sides of my face, I can feel almost a movement of chemical release or lymphatic extasy as the child emerges onto the field- I remember when the Spice Girls where famous, I would feel this tinglling sensation come over me regularly as I so wanted to be them, the child in me is a preformer, a singer a dancer, and watching them and seeing what I could have ben would sometimes bring tears to my eyes. I would tingle as I watched the girls on that stage and the child in me would be happy, excited and sad at the same time, because they were living our dream- it was truely a mix of emotions. Pleb is prone to physical attributes such as nausia, head aches, lathargy and physical bloating- when I am pleb my water rention rates actually go up and I can see and feel the swelling in my belly, my fingers and my face- this is not imagined, as I can no longer put rings on my fingers- I've tried it. The optimist is clear minded and has no physical symptoms, other than a clearness of mind the rest of never get to experience. Alice is so new, I'm not yet sure if there is to be anything physical come with her, but what I can say is that right now, I'm not feeling anything more than the wieght of the world surrounding me, and I feel like a small light surrounded by complete darkness coming at me from all sides.

A few years ago (probably 7 years now) I was experiencing some physical numbness through out my body and it would come and go with stress and depression. My family and my doctor thought it could be mulitple sclorosis and I was sent to a neurologist and they did all kinds of tests to try and figure out what was wrong. My CT and MRI came back clean, so I went to have some other nerve testing done. It was very scary, and while no medical reason was ever found to be the source of it- I'm now wondering if it doesn't have something to do with my mental issues, as my numbness comes and goes now with the clear changes of my selves.

So yeah, I'm not sure what any of this means in my mental satus or diagnosis at this point? But when I was talkiing to my Xhusband last night and telling him what I had stumbled across online, I read him the description and he said "Yeah.. well.. you know what? It does sound like you, but even if it IS MPD or something, that doesn't change who you are. We've always known there was something wrong with you, and if that's what it is so what. It's just a big scary name to put on what you've already been dealing with for a long long time. What ever it turns out be, you already have it, and giving it a name, even a scary one, doesn't change WHO you are. You're just as crazy today and you were last week right?"
lol

And that really comforted me. Because he's right.

I know I'm looking for answers and explanations as to what's wrong with me and what I can do to fix it- but no matter what it turns out be- I'm just as crazy today as I was last week

Orion has a ton of great info on HPD & Dissociation in his thread: HPD and dissociative states

Tons of additional research on dissociation has been conducted since the book Sybil (1973) , the original movie (1976) and the TV movie (2007), especially by the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation.

Speaking of old movies I’m struck here by this portion of A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Charles M. Schulz wrote:
Charlie sits in front of Lucy’s psychiatric booth.

Charlie: I am in sad shape…

Lucy: (interrupts) Hold up there Charlie Brown! I need 5 cents from you for my kind of advice!

Charlie reaches in pocket, drops a nickel in her money can.

Lucy: Boy, I love the beautiful sound of cold, hard, cash, that beautiful, beautiful sound. Nickels, nickels, nickels. That beautiful sound of plunking nickels.

Now what seems to be your trouble?

Charlie: I know I should be happy during Christmas, but I can’t
seem to manage it.

Lucy: (proudly) Well, as they say on TV, “the mere fact that you
realize you need help indicates that you are not too far gone.”
I think we better pinpoint your fears. If we can find out what
you’re afraid of, we can label it.

As Lucy say's “the mere fact that you realize you need help indicates that you are not too far gone” and nothing could be more true with DID. [Although it's "just" a cartoon here, the point Lucy makes is valid.]

Both of you have lucid understandings of when you go in and out of these various “characters” inside you. So your fear response to the awareness of the dissociative HPD symptoms – recognition, alarm, panic, etc. is by itself really more along the lines of a typical hysterical reaction vs. indicating you actually having DID / multiple personality disorder episodes proper.

Frightening? Yes indeed, but no where near full blown DID like Sybil. Total detachment from reality like that is psychotic.

Where there’s been trauma in the past (and with HPD/BPD emerging later in life, there's typically been significant childhood trauma) there’s likely some disassociation continuing to linger, in the present. Deal with the prior trauma directly, and over time, the disassociation should go away.

Someone with Ruth Blizard's background (long term experience with both PDs and specifically dissociation, see above thread for a ref) might be an excellent consult here. Always best done with a full written history. Could likely get to the bottom of any dissociation symptoms fairly quickly.

Were the trauma really dialed up to "over the max", full DID/MPD (including psychosis) would likely have already shown up (likely with a vengeance), and you would have likely been institutionalized for that already a few times. So, regular therapy, (perhaps some meds?), and/or intensive self-help may do the trick to push back these type of symptoms.

I had to take a break from this for a while but to answer more of the questioned you' ve mentioned above:

I've not been sleeping well. I'm not in a manic state of hyper activity or anything like that (been there, done that) and I'm not currently comoatose on the couch (sleeping for days and weeks on end- been there too) what's happening with my sleep is that I'm not resting enough while sleeping, I'm not reaching the deeper part of sleeping and I'm constantly waking up, and only ever in a 1/2 sleep these past few weeks- but for me that's kinda normal... I have low feratin levels with contribute my night kicking/fighting/cursing and crying epasodes as well. So peaseful sleep is something I've never really had on a regualr basis- EVER!

I don't think I'm 'trying on personalities' here- it's nothing new I'm describing, only that the realization of these things has come to me over the past few years is a new thing. I'm finally able to identify them and place some of them during certain moments, traumas, emotional situations and various compulsions during the course of my life. Some of the obscure things I did or tried as a child, have grown into full blown personas of their own accord. The things that FD does and desires aren't something I want when I'm in my 'good state of mind' as Alice, the Optimist, the Child, or even as Pamela. Pamela opens the doorway to FD though. When I begin as Pam FD can easily be provoked. I can't go from the child to FD & I can't pick and chose nessisarily who comes to the forefront of my being. They make these transitions themselves, and I don't know it's happening until it's over.
i only hold PART of the memory after what ever's happened has happened.

It's not a fullblack out, because while I'm not me- I am still me, just another part of me that isn't like the whole/main me- whoever that even is anymore?

It's very hard to describe and it doesn't really make a lot of sense either...

I've not losrt all touch with reality. I don't hear vioces, I don't think the TV's speaking to me or anything like that. I'm completely sane while enduring this all, but I'm completely out of my own mind and into someone elses, while still being consious the whole time- if that makes any sense?

I'm not sure?
I'm really trying to describe this as best I can because it truly makes NO SENSE TO ME in it's entirety & I wish I could have some comfort in knowing what's happening and how we fix it?

While working on my STIPO I came to hault- it asked me to describe myself and oddly enough, I found that to be a very difficult question. How do I describe 'myself' when I'm so broken into so many pieces of 'self' One day/minute I'm one way, while the the next I'm totally different.

Do I describe myself at that present moment?
Do I describe all the selves individually?
Or do I place all the atributes of 'self' on the list, and credit them to an 'entire me' alone?

I'm so confussed here????????

AliceWonders wrote:While working on my STIPO I came to hault- it asked me to describe myself and oddly enough, I found that to be a very difficult question. How do I describe 'myself' when I'm so broken into so many pieces of 'self' One day/minute I'm one way, while the the next I'm totally different.

Do I describe myself at that present moment?
Do I describe all the selves individually?
Or do I place all the attributes of 'self' on the list, and credit them to an 'entire me' alone?

I'm so confused here????????

This is all a totally normal reaction. Remember the STIPO was put together by a team of MDs and PHDs many with 20-40+ professional years of specific experience in PDs. IF it gets after symptoms that's exactly the good stuff!

The fact you are reacting is great! Its like the hammer test to the knee - if you didn't get that funny feeling and have your leg automatically pop up - that would be a problem!

If its hard do parts and come back. For this part I'd try to identify "states of mind" and very important, label them. I'd "place all the attributes of 'self' on the list" in rapid format. Push for at least 20 attributes at a time, quickly, without too much forethought. All "top of mind" stuff. Plain old lined paper # 1 to 20 and don't stop till you have at least 20. No particular order. Then put that sheet away and let some time pass. Do it again and again at more or less random times. 1st thing in am upon rising as you are still a bit groggy. Right after a Pam attack. Normal quite time in the afternoon. Just after rushing around doing something. Dont worry about structure or repetition across lists, just work to get at least 20 per shot. Don't edit or go back. In going down the list, after all the obvious ones, may be a "juicy" one or two, that come on reflection and "bouncing off the easy ones that came quickly. The ones at the top of the list are likely to be important too. When doing them don't worry too much about quality.

After you have 4-5 single sheets (each done at a different time) start organizing them into "Alice's classic states of mind." Try to get all the major "states" you have, reasonably documented, and reasonably organized.

Do the best you can and don't worry about being Ms Perfect, histrionically dressed to kill, great makeup, snappy outfit, wonderful put on demeanor. Here we are talking about the real you.

Were it all logical and perfectly integrated there would be nothing to work on and no improvement to be had. Doesn't need to be picture perfect.

Take breaks. Try to enjoy at least some parts of this when you are doing it. After all, it's self expression from the heart... Aim to be FINALLY heard, FINALLY understood for a change...

Thank you 'Wisdom' I don't know who you are, or were you hail from; but you certainly are wise and great help to many of us here
*BIG CYBER HUGZ 2U*

20 things, off the top of my head to describe me?
Well I'm feeling pretty good right now, not distrought, overwhelmed, lustful or broken hearted- I'm as much the real me as it gets, so I better do that right now, from this point of self.

No pen or paper, but I'll just jot them all here:

1. open minded
2. giving
3. caring
4. loving
5. sharing
6. understanding
7. family orientated
8. hopeful
9. optimistic
*had to pause there and think for second, cause I'm outta good stuff...
10. dependant
11. obsessive
12. lonely
13. impulsive
14. free spirited
15. over the top
16. un predictable
17. agressive
18. passionate
19. needy
20. pathetic

I've been really messed the past few days, transitioning between Pam, Pleb and allowing Alice more ground only this week. I'm sure the other pieces will come to the fore front soon enough. Calling on Pam is as easy as turning on some porn and getting excited. She literally IS my sexuality & once I'm there, FD is only a few perverted implications away...

It's only 1:45, I could get excited and induce Pam by the end of day if I tried- she's the strongest and most dominant of the selves, even more so than ME- the true self... I'm not sure I WANT to open that door though- do you think I SHOULD????

OH WOW!

In trying to stimmulate a Pamela like epesode, I breached Pam and was driven to the sick perversions of FD instead.
How did this happen?
While talking to one of my hot local MMA guys, a friend I call 'Yummy' bc he's so hot the Pamela in me was definitely gonna come out to play with Yummy! So- as i was trying to keep Pamela there to do my words on her, Yummy had to leave for a sec from the phone and I was left all alone and sexually arroused. I began to masturbate and the regular vanilla sex & light kinks weren't working. 30 minutes of vibrations and nothing was gonna come of it. I was aroused, but un able to get relife, so I deviated (unconsiously) into the other portion of my sexuality, Fukcdoll; where regular human and group sex became something much more perverce. I started to dig deeper into my mind into the 'good stuff' the twisted and extremely taboo stuff- the many paraphillias that THAT particular part of me encases...

I'll not get into it here as I don't think the paraphilias themselves are relevant PLUS I'm not about to admit to them in my current state of mind- I CAN'T!!!

But imediately after masturbating I sat up to the computer and wrote the following list of words on my screen. The first words that poped into my head, and I didn't count them or sort them out until after they were all written down. Here's what I came up with separated into how I felt during my FD state and how I felt afterwards. No sentances, no statements of emotion- just words:

DURRING FD:
1. Sick
2. dirranged
3. animal(istic)
4. Compulsive
5. perverce
6. fetish oreinted
7. Consumed
8. Driven
9. lustful
10. fierce
11. hungry
12. twisted
13.over the top
14. sadistic
15. masocistic
16. parapillia
17. dark
18. taboo
19. relentless
20. determined
21. divious
22. scandalous
23. obssesed


AFTER THE FACT:
1. wrong
2. disterbed/desterbing
3. improper
4. in apropriate
5. discusting
6. secretive
7. embarrassed
8. ashamed
9. wierd
10. warped
11. sickening
12. not right
13. un natural
14. grossed out

That's the hardest part of this whole thing I think, the fact that you never know what's gonna happen and 'whos' gonna come out next. While trying to naturally stimmulate Pam with sexuality, it went way beyond that- into a place in my mind I can't even imagine exists right now! I can't even admit to thinking those things; those desires and those perversions are NOT mine- because the me I am right now WOULD NOT DO THOSE THINGS!!!!!!!

I'm not gonna worry about it now though- I don't have to go there- I just have to make a list of words after being in the various states of mind, and I've done that for FD now.

I need a break...

Alice

Interesting that when I first joined the forum and was seeing HPD in the women I knew, I also remembered something that had happened with one of them, and remembered it so vividly I committed the experience to a post over in the Dissociative Fugue forum:

"Re: dissociative fugue
by orion8591 » Mon Sep 06, 2010 9:02 am

A couple of years ago I had a strange experience with a girlfriend; a minor, subtle experience, yet I have never forgotten it, since it was so startling. I had just moved in with her and after an intense night during our 'honeymoon' phase (after visiting the HPD forum it seems likely she is also thus afflicted) I woke up with her late one Saturday morning to let her know I was going back over to my old place to get a few more things to move in. She yawned, stretched out her arms and agreeably said "ok." We talked a little bit more and she seemed fully awake; i.e., not in a dreamy state or sleepwalking, etc.

When I returned a few hours later with some more of my stuff I was surprised to hear from her that she was really hurt that I had "just up and left and hadn't the consideration to even tell her where I was going."

At first I thought she was kidding around, but then it hit me hard because it seemed that she had NO MEMORY WHATSOEVER of the conversation we had only a few hours earlier, when she seemed lucid and fully awake. Although in hindsight it could have been your typical disingenuous or manipulative HPD behavior noted since visiting that forum, it seemed more like...

fugue."

If you don't know, a fugue is a temporary state where a person kinda forgets who they are, and sometimes they even move to a new place and starts their life over under the new identity...sometimes missing persons cases are thus solved. A few years back they called 'Dissociative Fugue,' 'Psychogenic Fugue.' It occurred to me that my girlfriend (call her Sarah) might have experienced a fugue state, albeit a very short term one, so thats why I made the above post. Since then I have learned that HPD folks often experience more simple and basic forms of dissociation in a variety of ways, incl. amnesia.

I don't know much about Dissociative Personality Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder), although I have heard that most of the personalitites don't know the others exist (maybe just urban legend?), except possibly the one that is more 'id' (deviant) - like, which is usually present for relatively lesser amounts of time. Usually the functional personality, the one that is present the majority of the time, doesn't know about the other personalities (?) In fact, there was a famous criminal case (The Hillside Strangler, I beleive it was) where an AsPD psychopath tried to implement the insanity defense by claiming he had Multiple Personality Disorder, but his claim was discredited by a psychiatrist expert wit for the prosecution, since the main functional personality of the defendant had detailed memories/knowledge of crimes the supposed "evil" personality/personalities did.

So, if this reasoning is correct, relating it to your expereince, if you have Dissociative Personality Disorder your functional personality (Alice) would probably not know that "Pam" exists, not to mention know what Pam thinks and writes.
More likely, if you are HPD, you are simply experiencing more basic, transient states of dissociation, like my ex-GF Sarah did, and like some of the other HPD posters are describing.

But you're right, if it were me I would definately see the mental health professional and describe in detail to her/him what's going on. Better to be safe with your mental heath than ignore it.

We're here for you Alice.

Best,
Orion