More than 'just' HPD?

@orion

hold up i have had full blown convo's when tired and not remembered them a bit.

infact, i've done them during the day at work about important issues (when I use to work in an office dealing with tax clients all day long), and completely not even remembered having them a few hours later. especially if I was really focused on the conversations.

ofcourse, they would eventually say something to me and then I would remember and still not admit to it -> rather keep up the lie at that point as feeling like an idiot and LOOKING like a temporary lier is worse then keeping up the lie and actually BEING a lier.

@alice

alice you sound like your feeling better. Not shaky panicy - good. I had to post something because I've been there I've known how that feels - want some advice that has helped me?

be patient with yourself as you grow. be as patient with yourself as you would a small child. if your fractured inside, then your trying to regroup and recover. it takes time and days. be caring and soft with yourself.

ALL yourselfs. they are all you, just you trying to recover.

When your in party mode, work mode, calm mode, normal mode, productive mode, happy mode, idealistic mode, depressive mode. all your states. just be patient with yourself, your still growing, and still learning productive integrative strategies. that doesn't mean your giving up hope, or trying, or responsibility, it just means give yourself time.

it's like... "big fool, meet little fool." you know, the little fool inside. just be patient with yourself.

as far as your positive self goes - something i've learned is not everyone gets to grow up to be an astronaught. someone has to serve fries some day. or like me is stuck for the last 5 years at my job. that's ok because people still care and I'm still worth something anyways. and so are you, no matter what happens your still worth more than you know.

As far as FD goes.... sex drive goes up as you become more comfortable with your self and as you age as a female. Welcome to the human condition.

as far as child goes - *sighs* ah... my biggest challenge! - unfortuanately my social behaviors have consequences, and if your not seeing them your not intune with them or aren't looking. those behaviors take time show, but the child has consequences the social function is important - specifically how important only becomes clear after you make the mark enough times to see it being violated by other people, then you see the damage it causes when it reflects off of them and onto others. you see the damage via proxy.

These are all your emotions being acted out physically because real you the half of you that is just watching and accepting everything can't handle the intensity of the emotions...

" "I read him the description and he said "Yeah.. well.. you know what? It does sound like you, but even if it IS MPD or something, that doesn't change who you are. We've always known there was something wrong with you, and if that's what it is so what. It's just a big scary name to put on what you've already been dealing with for a long long time. What ever it turns out be, you already have it, and giving it a name, even a scary one, doesn't change WHO you are. You're just as crazy today and you were last week right?" "

pretty much, it's just the same 'ole you. - we already knew, and so did you. it's not that big of a deal... just watch it and identify how your feeling and watch it come and go.

after a while it gets to be intersting, lol, your like "huh, well this is a new emotion!" lol. - just give yourself time and allow yourself some patience.

@wisdom

they had to put me on anti-psychotics when I was gone. I didn't really know I was gone the first few months it was happening. a professor at ASU spotted it and sent me up to counseling.

After it started to come and go for a while I could recognize the symptoms and the delerious states that come with it AFTER I had gone through it, but not necessarily DURING when I was a we bit off. sometimes yes, by how it physically feels, i might have been able too. but when you are going through it if you have any attachment to reality still it is scary as sh*t, if you haven't been through it before - of course I was having hallucinations during the day about demons at the time too. *shrugs*

In my opinion, your worst enemies right now are "fear and anxiety". You are worried about this discovery. Yet, IMO, there is no problem. As you know, it is considered a defense mechanism.

I know of this and have dealt with it. It is what is called "parts therapy" or "parts integration". All of what you said can be tied into what we call, "Parts". You can read a mere fraction of what I'm saying here:

http://www.inlpa.org/index.cfm?CFID=370 ... 01&a=10096

But in reality it gets much deeper and intricate than the above article. "Parts" is a world in and of itself, and can be used and implemented in almost countless ways. Whist the above article probably doesn't tie parts integration into what you first posted, they are certainly connected. In fact, in therapy sessions, the client is encouraged to find different identities or "parts" within themselves!

Anyway, to me, what you have listed is no problem whatsoever. In fact, you may have discovered one of the most excellent routes to learn fantastic things about yourself!

Take Care.

Thank you everyone for your posts on this thread, It's veryy helpful and comforting to see that I'm
a)not alone in this and
b)there is more tied to this and HPD than I could have ever found on my own
(which was why I was so freaked out about DID/MPD- it's all I could find while seaching fragmentation)

In an interesting turn of events my XBF's new GF has been harrassing me online(I didn't relaize it was new GF until last night though- long story) her arrogant and annyoing behavior spurred me into craving physicall violence(something I don't normally opt for in my arsnial of anger) I sent a message to my X, telling him to tell his new GF if she wanted to have it out with me I would be more than happy to meet her in the flesh. A flesh eating anger came over me and a part of my persona that normaly doesn't get to be allowed space (as I'mn very much affraid of what I could do to someone if I allowed physical explossions of anger to occur) was in the fore front of my mind.

Going back to my list of words, I have again come up with a list regarding that facet of my slef and separated it into words that described me and my emotions both durring my enragement and after the fact:

During:

Enraged
animalist
anger infused
pshycotic
destructive
affraid of myself
murderistic
lethal
volitile
explosive
dangerous
unstable
energized
excited
focused
envigerated
rushing with emotion
crazy
happy
enthralled
eager
relived to find an outlet
excited to unleash
Consumed
devious
joyous

After:

fearful
relived it didn't happen
ashamed
affraid of myself
confused
angry
disapointed
frustrated
sad
lonely

I don't allow myself to give into physical violence because I'm very much affraid of fighting. Not affraid of other people- affraid of myself and what I could do to someone in the heat of the moment.

That angry part of me hasn't been allowed space in a very long time. In my teens and early 20's it was there and it was genuinly fearless. I would jump into fights involving grown men if a firend of mine was in trouble. I had no concept of the conquences, legal, physical or otherwise. I've been hit on the head with bear bottles and still kept fighting. In fact I've had more physical altercations with MEN than women, not only due to the fact that women are less like to fight, but also I've sen what I can do to a man and if I were up against a woman, I would be affraid of what I could do to her.

I'm not proud of the fact that I gave into my anger and desire to physically tear apart this woman. I'm glad that my X called me and told me not to be so stupid, and that he wasn't gonna tell her that I made the offer for a confrontation in the first place. If ashe was stupid enough to take the offer, I'd have had no consiounce in stopping myself from going to see her,and God only knows what would have come of that????

I don't think this angry part of me is seperat entity (though maybe it is- who knows) but I thought it note worthy in the creation of my list, so I posted it for that reason alone.

Wisdom did say to make another list of words to describe myself when I first wake up, and I did that this morning. Here's the list of words I used to dercribe myself first thing this AM:

1. Dead
2. tired
3. stupid
4. fatigued
5. depressed
6. overwhelmed
7. retarded
8. annyoed
9. disgusting
10. reched
11. in capalble
12. lonely
13. repulsive
14. reclusive
15. failure
16. Hopeless
17. pathetic
18. physically clouded
19. stressed
20. physically ill/aching

NOTE:
This list has no barring on what happened last night. I feel this way each and every day until I've had about 2 cups of coffe, a 1/2 pack of cigarettes, and enough time to wake up and purge my thoughts for the day. It's my usual morning 'stupidity' I call it. Waking up in a dumb fog is pretty much how each day of my life begins. I'm not sure how normal that is, my mother says it takes me too long to wake and get mobile though. Usually an hour or 2 and then I'm able to beging whatever tasks I need to accomplish throughout the corse of the day.

I'd just like to add here, before I begin a new post to comment on some of what has been said by others in this thread, that I'm fairly confident the child will be present at some point during the day as I'm taking my son to see the new Harry Potter movie. This kind of innocent excitement usually brings her to the forefront- especially if I'm with the kids during our outtings.

So I think today will be a happy day- I HOPE!

I went to the movies and the child did NOT come out, and I haven't seen Pam lately either...

I have to go to the hospital today and try and get addmitted to the Menatl Health Clinic through emerge (as per my doctor) so I may not be here for a while- not sure if they're keep me or let me go home- I have no idea what to expect really.

Take Care everyone, I'll let you know when happenes when I return

Good luck Alice

You are very brave...

connfused and hurt 2 wrote:Good luck Alice

You are very brave...

Thank You hunny

I'm not sure I'm as 'Brave' as I am 'Desperate' at this point. I just can't go on like this- I WILL eventually kill myself if I don't get help. I've come too close to it too often & I can't allow that to happen- souly because of my children.

If I didn't have kids, I'd have taken my life long ago. This is such a painful existsance I wouldn't wish it on my worst enamy

Take Care & C U Soon

Good luck to you alice

I was thinking about last night, while in the shower and going over the way I felt, the way I commuincated and the way I presented myself; when all of a sudden I realized that I had greatly pulled on Pam for most of the encounter. And while it wasn't a sexual aspect of her presance, shewas definitely the 'one' in the forefront most of the evening!

She captivated and entranced all the men in the waitting room, made love to the woman with her charms and brought about that overall pleasant feeling I described in the "Off 2 Emerge" thread last night. While I was there, and not fogged over in anyway, she was present and looking back on it know, I can definitely see that she had taken over from time to time. I can see her demeanor, the way I sat upright and confident, the way I cut my eyes while talking about certain things. The way she flirted with everyone, trying to find the 'in' into their good graces and be liked by them all.

Like I said, it wasn't a full blown Pamela epesode, I wasn't lost in the sexual hunger and fog as I usually get when she completly takes over my mind and my body; but she was there and I wrote these words to describe her just now:

1. Beatutiful
2. strong
3. seductive
4. chearful
5. pleasant
6. flirtatious
7. confident
8. allouring
9. enchanting
10. entising
11. devious
12. playful
13. light
14. mysterious
15. direct
16. honest
17. maniplulative
18. Adored
19. admired
20. always get her way
21. georgious
22. forceful
23. intelligent
24. entrancing
25. a princess

OH YEAH! The Child Came Out 2 Play!!!!

I had some fabulous fun in the forum today with a few friends both on the boards and off the boards, and while I was in the shower just now, trying to figure out 'why' I'm so happy and playful today (not that I mind it at all) I was looking for the reason and the source of my delight. I think some of it could have been play stimmulated by others playing back (you know who you are) but the source? Who was playing with them?

It was me- of course it was me, but wasn't the introspective, obstructive, deep though, well pronoused (though terrible speller) that is me, that part laied some what dormant whilts a quick whitted fun me, was at the forefront of the ship. Guarded by Pam's control of course, slight hints of crudeness and sexuality were there but Pam often fronts the child unless there aren't adults around, and I'm just with the kids- then the child is full and free spirited child with her glowing face fee to the wind

This is the most I've seen of the child in some time, so I thought I would add the words to my list here, and then I think we've got everyone accounted for, with complete word descriptors imediately folloowing their apperances!

YEAH!!!!!

Here's the words I came up with for the child:

1. Eager
2. Excited
3. Energetic
4. Devious
5. Playful
6. Curious
7. Naughty
8. Bratty
9. Joyful
10. Happy
11. Fun loving
12. Frisky
13. Dancing
14. Smiling
15. Laughing
16. Silly
17. Goofy
18. Dorky
19. Fun
20. Childish
21. Flirtatious
22. Provoking

While working on my STIPO I realized that I had forgotten to make a list of words pertaining to the eternal optimist & the Alice part of me. so as I've been working through the STIPO I came up with these words to describe those piece of me:

Optimist:

1. Peaceful
2. reflective
3. pensive
4. open minded
5. open hearted
6. hopefull
7. inspired by life
8. touched by others
9. modest
10. kind
11. caring
12. non judgemental
13. compassionate
14. understanding
15. optimistic
16. always listening/observing
17. wise
18. loves educating/inspiring/helping people
19. peace keeper
20. nuturing


Alice

1. searching
2. logical
3. sorting
4. puzzeled
5. inquisitive
6. open minded
7. hopeful
8. pondering
9. pensive
10. protected
11. observer
12. soul searching
13. eager
14. passionate
15. intraspective
16. desperate
17. inspired
18. opinionated
19. just
20. equality
21. reflective
22. motivated
23. investigative
24. problem solver