I'm tired and I feel like I lied

TheGangsAllHere wrote:It's not "weird." Nothing that you are describing is weird for DID/OSDD.

Though it IS weird if you're not ACCEPTING that that is what is going on. I struggled with that for WEEKS before the doc told me "this is clearly dissociative in nature, we just need to figure out how, why, and what to do with it."

The difference being, of course, is I took the doctor's initial diagnosis to heart, accepted it... and the next few months from then was exploring what was happening to learn more ABOUT the dissociation, rather than denying it...

But I've had periods of doubt, those first weeks especially but even since, so I sympathize... but Rive, seriously... you've got so many of us here that are living this, too... you've had at least one professional diagnosis it... it will be easier once it's something YOU can accept, too... it takes a LOT less energy and turmoil to accept it and begin working WITH it, than it does to fight to maintain denial and hostility to the idea.

I get that it's hard to accept, too- I hurt people I DEEPLY cared about b/c I didn't know what was happening and that the parts of me they were talking to were me, and the personal things that were shared (which I _STILL_ don't know) were shared under at least some perception of false pretense (how these people see it anyway)... It's also the guilt and shame of "what the heck happened to me to 'break me' so badly?!" that exists... it sucks knowing you're "damaged"... but here's the thing to remember... even "singletons" and people that are "normal" are damaged. EVERYONE has bad things in their lives... even if not as severe. There is NO real "normal".

Once you can accept THAT, accepting that you're not "normal" isn't so scary.

I hope that helps... b/c it makes life a LOT easier once you can accept things, once you can begin to understand, learn, and worth WITH yourself, all your parts and others... life as a team is better when you're not hostile to your team.

Zor wrote:

TheGangsAllHere wrote:It's not "weird." Nothing that you are describing is weird for DID/OSDD.

Though it IS weird if you're not ACCEPTING that that is what is going on.

Honestly, that's not weird for DID/OSDD either. Many of us have a part that stays in denial and can't accept that this is true. I've certainly got one.

Zor wrote:it makes life a LOT easier once you can accept things, once you can begin to understand, learn, and worth WITH yourself, all your parts and others... life as a team is better when you're not hostile to your team.

I definitely agree with this. Working as a team is important, and paradoxically, that includes accepting the denial part as being an important part of the team, too. When the system gets too overwhelmed, that part steps in and carries on daily life for a bit, back to how things used to be. We just can't let that go on for too long and become avoidance. It's a pendulum, like birdsong has talked about, between change and stability.

Thanks guys. Just had my session. At the beginning of session my therapist said she brought some playdoh and immediately I had a thought I dont want Susie Q to come out. I talked to my counselor about some things and she said she thought that I did have DID, she didn't, and that I created my DID as a way to cope with my divorce. Etc, I said DID is created in childhood. I said you don't think I have DID and she said I'm just putting the divorce thing out there because you don't seem to think you have DID. Said she didn't know why I acted on the behaviors with the animals but that if it didn't feel like me it was probably DID. I was trying to explain to her that I feel like I have DID but because I can't prove it and some things dont match up I feel I dont. She was not much help with that.

I think the real issue with the denial thing is that you're trying to start from the end, and time does not work that way.

You have amnesia, the first 8 years, if I remember correctly, are gone, so yo don't know what happened to you. However, that must be something traumatic, because people don't forget their childhoods over nothing. You can't know what exactly it was, but symptoms you have make professionals working with you think it was also sexual. That is not all tho, your mom is emotionally abusive and was, so whether there is SA or not, there is emotional trauma.

The thing is, if you wanna remember, and get to know, you need therapy to be able to. Having those memories back is not just getting the information and then you could have your answer, remembering trauma means cruel details of abuse and unbearable feelings connected to them. They were so bad, you couldn't go on with your life with the memories, so they are sealed away now. But you're not doing that well now either. There's plenty of stabilizing to do, before there will be enough safety for you to be able to remember. It will be painful, and you will feel worse you did before remembering, but people still do that, because that is the way to heal the memories. You can only do that when everything else in your life is stable and safe enough. Cruel details of abuse to mind that struggles already will crush you. That is why you have that amnesia, it is to protect you, and every time you get closer to knowing, your mind keeps itself safe by sending you back to where you were with the denial.

You don't need answers beforehand, you go to therapy to get to know. Same thing with DID. You do therapy to create communication, to get to know other system members, there can be plenty of them, you know next to nothing about them, it is very unlikely that the ones you've heard about now or have met would be the only ones. Therapy is there to create the communication inside and get to know them. It doesn't make any sense you say no to therapy when you're in denial, because you don't have enough proof. You can only get the proof from the therapy.

You're progressing all the time. You do go back to denial, and run around, but every time you step out from that, you take step a little further than last time. And like you can see, people on the forum will not abandon you because you have symptoms of DID, like denial. We just refuse to feed the circle. We're right back when you can hear what's been said to you again.

Do you understand why it is never ending circle to think you need to know your past before doing therapy for it? Amnesia of your trauma is one of the symptoms why you are having therapy. Not knowing is reason to do it, not to refuse doing it. Do you understand it the way it makes sense to you in helpful way? Is it an answer you can give to your denial when it tells you no proof - no therapy?

That makes sense. She wants to do EMDR again but I feel it may of made the DID come out. Also I feel it robbed me of emotions.

EMDR is contraindicated in DID unless the person doing it has very specialized training in EMDR for DID. Usually, the first tasks are trust and stability. It seems like you have a ways to go with trusting this therapist, and that your system isn't very stable right now--you're just beginning to develop communication.

Also, are you sure she said that you "created" your "DID as a way to cope" with your divorce, as an adult?? That makes no sense--does she understand what DID is and how it develops? Your alters could have become more prominent because of the stress of the divorce, and then you might have become more aware of them--is that what she meant?

I think she basically said I'm lying and that I created a way to remain at the group home and not deal with my divorce and not being able to see my daughter by coming up with this DID stuff. That's basically what I got. I expressed to her in a email that, just fuels my denial about having DID. She hasn't responded though and probably won't. She doesn't like to communicate over email because she says we should address things in session.

Honestly, I think you need to figure out how to find a therapist who knows what they're doing. I'm sure that trust would be a big issue with whoever you go to, but someone with experience with DID, with whom you can start from scratch, might help a lot. I know you say you have no options, but there has to be someone. Maybe who you could start out by consulting with over the phone. Usually therapists do a first consultation for free and you could get some advice about what to do.

I love her. Not sexually but I'm attached to her.

That’s not relevant if she’s not a good therapist for you. It could keep you from seeking appropriate treatment. I clung to a bad therapist for a very long time, and it caused a lot of damage.