I'm tired and I feel like I lied

I dont know if I am the problem, she is our both. I sent her an email after session about how relieved I am when I think that I have DID because it explains things. Like today when someone mentioned Suzie Q and not wanting her to come out with playdoh time. Then my T told me she didn't know why I had acted on those bad behaviors with that kitten. I had thought it was alters but she didn't say that so I cant have DID. Then I told her sometimes I dont really feel like me. I feel like I could really hurt someone then she said well that sounds dissociative. So then I was relieved again. Then I thought well maybe that's psychopathic desires. I dont have absolute proof of anything. So if I say I have DID God is going to be mad at me and I will never be satisfied because I dont know for sure that's what I am. Today she made it seem like I created or made up DID to not deal with my current situations so then that just made me doubt even more I have DID and it hurt me a little too. I'm so attached to her that I would stay with her forever no matter what but also I think she can help me. Sometimes I'm not sure how but I have faith in her.

You're an adult person and we can't make choices for you. Sadly people are not capable of learning from other people's mistakes. If they would be, there's several systems in this forum whose life would be way happier. But we need to make our own mistakes ourselves to learn from them. People won't hear experience or see realities over their own emotions, no matter how out of realities their emotions may be.

If staying with her feels logical to you, then that's what you do. It's your life, you are the one who knows what's actually going on in therapy with her and if it's been helpful so far, and if it's helpful now. I won't have opinions on things I do not know anything about. Hopefully your feeling is right.

I like her because I think she hears me. She seems ok when I tell her she does something I dont like. I like that.

On a side note

Trigger Warning ******(talk of suicide)*******

Today I noticed when I was eating some chips a inquisitive little thought popped up Do you like sweets? Well I know I do. I have a hard time with what are random thoughts or alters as you guys know. I tried asking who that was and nothing. Someone suggested when that happens I pretend that I have DID (because they know I feel I have no absolute proof) I buy something sweet. I ask the alter if they like the taste. What do you think? Then today the thoughts said I dont want the little babies to run up on the building and jump off andI thought thats weird. Then I remembered that yesterday I had the thought (I wasn't going to do it) that if I went to the top of the group home building and jumped off I would probably die. So I dont know if the two were related or not. Tried to see who that could have been but got no reply.

Rive wrote:I like her because I think she hears me. She seems ok when I tell her she does something I dont like. I like that.

That is very important, to feel you're heard and valued. It's the base of therapy, without trust there can't be safety and without safety there can't be results. On top of that T needs to know how to treat the disorder, but trust is the base of everything.

Rive wrote:Today I noticed when I was eating some chips a inquisitive little thought popped up Do you like sweets? Well I know I do. I have a hard time with what are random thoughts or alters as you guys know. I tried asking who that was and nothing. Someone suggested when that happens I pretend that I have DID (because they know I feel I have no absolute proof) I buy something sweet. I ask the alter if they like the taste. What do you think? Then today the thoughts said I dont want the little babies to run up on the building and jump off andI thought thats weird. Then I remembered that yesterday I had the thought (I wasn't going to do it) that if I went to the top of the group home building and jumped off I would probably die. So I dont know if the two were related or not. Tried to see who that could have been but got no reply.

To a question like that about sweets you can try to answer like you would to a person who ask the same question. Tell you do like sweets, ask do they? Or do they like chips (because you were eating them). Buying some is also good way to try to connect, especially if someone says they do like something.

To me the connection between your thoughts about jumping and the comment about it can very well be related.

Communication is tricky. Sometimes someone may be able to hear your thoughts, sometimes not. Sometimes they may still be able to hear you if you say it out loud. Some things you hear can be random stuff you happen to overhear from inner world, or someone else's thoughts. Sometimes someone talks to you normally, but sometimes someone can repeat something or say weird things, because they try to tell something else, like a memory, they can repeat what was said then, because all parts don't usually know about the outside realities now. They can be stuck in time, in some trauma happening to them over and over again.

It's not easy to understand what comes from where and why, but you get better at it over time. You get to know them, and can see patterns better. Feelings are important too, they can leak into you same way than thoughts, at the same time with something you hear or only the feeling. You get better at knowing what's you and what comes from somewhere else too. It just takes practice, but that's how it's been to all of us. It's confusing at first. You will learn it like we did too, because you are wise. I'm still learning too, and don't know everyone who lives inside. With DID, it's gonna be learning for a very long time, because things also change all the time. You get used to it. In the end, we have lived with DID since our childhoods, we just didn't know about it.

This is NEVER going to get any better. I'm convinced of it. Last session my therapist asked me to play playdoh. Someone immediately popped up and said faster than I could have thought and said I dont want Susie Q to come out. Logically I know it wasnt me. My mind is saying well what about Lily. You didn't mention Lily. Does Lily even exist. You only thought Susie Q because you were trying to communicate with her the night before. It was ingrained in your brain. That's all. Then today I was thinking about a email I sent my T. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy came out of my mouth in a childs voice. Then I was that stuff is just replaying in your head like an OCD rut. With OCD you get ruts in your brain from ruminating over the same thing again. So I'm always like maybe it's just that not an actual alter. This s**t stinks.

Rive, I'd suggest that things have already shifted towards getting better. Instead of being inside the obsessive doubt, ruled by it and rather blind to it, you're outside it to some extent, aware of it to some degree, watching it.

You're seeing and listing reasons why on one hand you feel this isn't you. The way you describe it all is subtly different to how you used to describe it. Before you were more or less convinced by those thoughts of doubt. Now you seem more frustrated by them.

You only thought Susie Q because you were trying to communicate with her the night before.

I think there's a chance this is an alter speaking to you and you're reading them as your own thoughts. I've known of this exact situation in another forum member. As I recall, she heard and interpreted that alter's comments as her own thoughts for a long time. Maybe someone is trying to protect you.

I agree with Johnny-Jack that this seems like a shift toward getting better. It sounds like you're more in touch with these alters, Lily and Susie Q, who sound like littles, and also, like Johnny-Jack said, that you're more frustrated with the doubt now than totally controlled by it.

Yeah, I think like Johnny Jack was saying they sound like thoughts. I know that can be normal. I have read that here and elsewhere. It's just that it makes it less hard to . Yet I heard the Mommy, Mommy, Mommy in a child like tone and still cant believe.

Rive wrote:Yeah, I think like Johnny Jack was saying they sound like thoughts. I know that can be normal. I have read that here and elsewhere. It's just that it makes it less hard to . Yet I heard the Mommy, Mommy, Mommy in a child like tone and still cant believe.

You know why it's not logical to think it's not DID, but it's still a feeling you can't get rid of. Feelings are OK, they don't need to be suffocated, but accepted as a part of your overall self. One part only, but still part of whole you. There are many very different thoughts and feelings that are part whole you, regardless if you have DID or not. You don't have to act them all, but you can live in peace with them, they have a right to exist. Your frustration about denial has a right to exist too, feelings don't need to be pushed away. You can observe and watch and feel them, you don't have to do all they tell you to.

Thinking about denial as a part whose thoughts leak in your mind can be useful. If you don't believe in DID, you can't believe it's an alter, but all people have different sides in them, and you can view this one of yours, but not all you are. Yes, you feel the feelings, and when they are there, they can feel very much like whole truth, but we know that's not true.

Having those episodes of doubt, they probably are there to slow you down, so your mind will not crush if things happen too fast, because you're not stable enough to get the memories back yet. So, it's not just a bad thing, it's there to protect you. It will go over and you take one step further again. We already know this is how your mind as a whole processes this. So, don't be worried.

Just remember what I wrote to you, that you are in therapy to get to know if DID therapy helps you, because that has not been tried before, and get to know what happened to you. Missing years from childhood proof there's trauma in there, so even if it would not be DID we do know you have trauma, and that is something to get help for. Your proof about the trauma is the fact you can't remember your childhood.

I agree with others about how you look at denial from the outside now, so that's a step further too. Even if you sink into it so deep you go back to the starting point, it still makes sense to continue therapy, just don't talk about parts then, but about something else in your life. We know, and you know with many years of experience, that denial always go away. It won't be there permanently.

That's pretty much like depression is to me. It always comes back, but I'm not crushed by it even when it feels really bad when it's here and I know I may never get fully rid of it, because I also have decades of experience about it going away every time too. It could not come back again, if there wouldn't be times without it.

You're gonna be fine.

Floralie

Thank you, guys