I'm tired and I feel like I lied

They're not there yet.
They can only find brain differences at the group level. The problem is that there is no standard brain. Everyone's brain looks different and most brains are still functional. Even with the most visible psychological disorders (schizophrenia), sometimes they can't even see anything (they'd look for enlarged ventricles, for example).

For group studies they look at a healthy control group (their average brain) and a clinical group (their average brain).

In psychology they cannot find any biomarkeŕs that could be used for diagnosis yet.

andikirkwood I'm not sure what I would do but that's a good question. Sarandipity I am on Medicaid which is a government based basic insurance because I live in the group home I get that. They are not going to pay for anything like that. I had to fight with them just to get them to cover my cholesterol meds and I need that or I will have a stroke. So I know that won't cover that. That would be awesome though. Thanks for that info fireheart.

-- Sun Oct 06, 2019 4:15 pm --

I'm going to take my concerns about my rumination with my issues to my therapist on Tuesday and see what she suggests.

fireheart wrote:They're not there yet.
They can only find brain differences at the group level. The problem is that there is no standard brain. Everyone's brain looks different and most brains are still functional. Even with the most visible psychological disorders (schizophrenia), sometimes they can't even see anything (they'd look for enlarged ventricles, for example).

For group studies they look at a healthy control group (their average brain) and a clinical group (their average brain).

In psychology they cannot find any biomarkeŕs that could be used for diagnosis yet.

My view is it's better than nothing. I did think "it can't be that accurate eg size of hypothalamus because that can also just indicate depression or PTSD" but it's better than nothing.

I looked into the price and to get an MRI scan is wey cheaper than DID therapy in this country (but I will still seek specialised therapy) so to me it's worth it.

Sarandipity wrote:
My view is it's better than nothing. I did think "it can't be that accurate eg size of hypothalamus because that can also just indicate depression or PTSD" but it's better than nothing.

I looked into the price and to get an MRI scan is wey cheaper than DID therapy in this country (but I will still seek specialised therapy) so to me it's worth it.

Ok, it's up to you. But they won't be able to tell you anything about it except when there is a brain tumour or a bleeding.

Rive wrote:You know what it absolutely is an obsession. I dont like telling people that because then they dont help me. It is an obsession that NEVER ends.
...
Now with the DID I feel like I cant get absolute proof and it doesnt matter what anyone tells me I'm going to doubt.
...
I have been like this my whole life and I dont know why. No amount of evidence is ever good enough. People leave me because they can't deal with it. It pisses them off like it has you guys.

Rive, I think it's a lot easier for other posters to know that you're aware that you doubt, the doubt is obsessive, and it's extremely distressing. Whatever has happened with other people, that doesn't have to happen with us here. We're more like you than not, you know?

Rive wrote:I'm literally running out of energy and becoming depressed to the point I am not doing things I used to love doing.

I'm really sorry that's happening. You're sapped and demoralized. You may have heard that when a person with DID begins to become aware of other alters, things can get worse before they get better. People have referred to this as a DID crisis. Is it possible that's where you're at?

In any case it won't be like this forever. You can work on the obsessive doubt, you can and will make progress. I've actually seen others go through consistent doubt like you. It eventually shifts.

In some systems there is an alter whose job it is to perpetuate doubt. There may be a doubting alter who heavily influences you. One or more alters with this job isn't a rare thing and they're not immune from influence themselves. You might test that theory by thanking someone for causing the doubt, for protecting you with it. It's a reliable fact that a doubting alter is trying to protect everyone, so they deserve gratitude.

There are other ways to approach a doubting alter, if there is one.

Thank you Johnny Jack. I'm going to my therapy session tommorow at 2. I'm going to discuss these things with her. I will post an update of what we talked about and her advice afterwards.

I think I found my problem. Today I was talking to someone about OSDD requirements. They said something about being aware of your alters andalters being aware of themselves I was like Eureka! I feel like I know when Thorne is out but she doesn't know she exists I feel no sense of her being like Ok I'm this or that person. I feel no sense of identity from her and that is why I get no communication and is why I have a hard time believing she is an alter and not just a borderline trait. Same with a little. Today I was thinking about the group home owner. I had a child like toned thought pop up I like that Mommy, I'm aware that she likes that lady but I get no sense that she knows her identity and that is why I possibly dont have communication. Does any of that make sense? That is why I have such a hard time with just thinking these are parts of me and not alters. I'm not trying to get in the obsessive loop. I'm just curious how I can fix this or approach this topic with my T

Rive wrote:I think I found my problem. Today I was talking to someone about OSDD requirements. They said something about being aware of your alters andalters being aware of themselves I was like Eureka! I feel like I know when Thorne is out but she doesn't know she exists I feel no sense of her being like Ok I'm this or that person. I feel no sense of identity from her and that is why I get no communication and is why I have a hard time believing she is an alter and not just a borderline trait. Same with a little. Today I was thinking about the group home owner. I had a child like toned thought pop up I like that Mommy, I'm aware that she likes that lady but I get no sense that she knows her identity and that is why I possibly dont have communication. Does any of that make sense? That is why I have such a hard time with just thinking these are parts of me and not alters. I'm not trying to get in the obsessive loop. I'm just curious how I can fix this or approach this topic with my T

"They said something about being aware of your alters andalters being aware of themselves I was like Eureka!" - Wrong. There is NO requirement for you, or any of the system, to be aware of each other or all the rest of the system.
See the following:
http://traumadissociation.com/osdd

I have had alters my entire life, and JUST NOW have become aware of them 18 months ago. MOST OF THEM had no idea their inner lives weren't THEIR ENTIRE LIFE... they had no idea of the outer world, what people call "the real world", or that they were alters. Everything traumatic was filtered in to the inner world, their lives, through the subconscious... and until that veil of amnesia and secrecy was shattered... most of them had NO IDEA.

Even those that KNEW something... didn't see it fully, didn't truly understand how different they were and HOW they existed... much less that their lives weren't somehow separate from my own, and that those traumas they had were DIRECTLY b/c of trauma to "me" (the body/the whole- before I knew it was "us/a system").

So, no you do NOT need to "know", nor do the alters, for it to be DID or OSDD.

I guess it's just weird because I have this child talking and then I have Thorne who pops out every now and then but Thorne and the child dont communicate. They also dont seem to have an identity to themselves. I notice when Thorne or the child is out but I dont think they know their identity. Like for example the child might pop out and say I like Mommy. I may feel her excitement but I get no feeling she herself feels that excitement even though she obviously does because I can feel it and its foreign to me. That's what I mean by her a having an identity. So would that be passive influence?

You feeling her excitement is passive influence. And of course she feels it--her feeling it is WHY you feel it. You don't have enough communication with her to know what she feels or doesn't feel, or what she knows or doesn't know about her relationship to you. Do you know your identity as an alter in the system? How do you know Thorne and the child don't communicate? You wouldn't necessarily know if they did.

I'm glad you're acknowledging their existence now, but it seems like you're still trying to prove that you're somehow different from them--more of a person or something.

It's not "weird." Nothing that you are describing is weird for DID/OSDD.