Multi-faceted & semi-precious.

Good for Em. And good for you, Viola.

MDs

Thanks MDs!

Sorry we haven't been here much the past few days. I think I got like, obsessed or something with writing? Like I couldn't focus on much else for a while there.

I finished my story tho, just over 28,000 words & 4 chapters. It took 10 days from when starting writing to the last edit.

Now I gotta get my head back to reality lol.

Viola

Gotta write some stuff here, its just like, cos I gotta write it somewhere kinda thing.

Last night was a real trip. Around like, 5 or 6pm I think I got blended with one of our littles? Or someone was like super close & a bunch of their stuff bled over onto me.

Cos its like I was still me, but I got really really young. Not sure but like maybe 6yo? Everything was confusing and strange and scary and there was noone around to help.

Eventually I started calling for Em, and she finally woke up and when I went to hug her I only came up as high as her waist, so I ws really small.

Then we went to bed and overnight we had some really annoying dreams. Like, duh could you be any more obious!


*** trigger warning, dream stuff, violence, death ***


So first we dreamed our mother was a huge monster and we were just a little kid, and she pinned us down easily & we couldn't escape or fight back or anything.

Then we dreamed we were grown up again but out somewhere in public & we started seeing signs that something bad was about to happen, so we were getting ready to run, but then some guy killed someone infront of us, and like cos we saw it, the guy killed us too.

And after we died Em was really angry, she was like, dude if you off someone in public of course the public are gonna see it, its not our fault, you **** ****!

And then we woke up, lol.

Anyways the first part I think is like super obvious, our mother's a monster right? The 2nd one I got 2 guesses for. It might be how when our dissociative walls started to crumble, previous host saw the stuff she wasn't supposed to, and she couldn't take it so she 'killed' herself.

OR maybe some $#%^ happened when we were young that we weren't supposed to see or we were told not to say, and maybe that's what it refers to. Maybe their connected, maybe we saw our mother do some bad $#%^ and we weren't supposed to know.

*** end trigger warning ***

Anyways I kinda knew last night that i'd got blended, but I couldn't figure out if there was a trigger or whatever, like if something caused that to happen. It was really wierd I guess cos I was like, sorta aware of it, but at the same time its like I couldn't think normally, like I could mostly only think like a little kid? I can't even explain it right.

Viola

p.s. just heard inside, we're gonna put some 'no monsters' stickers around our bed and maybe we wont see monsters in our dreams anymore.

*** trigger warning, mention of self-harm ***

Something triggered us again yesterday, or maybe it was the same thing from the night before, we aren't sure. Instead of Viola feeling little, this time it triggered us towards self-harm urges.

We resisted the urges when they were about direct harm, but then it shifted into the other kind and we lost control. We took drugs, and then binged some food.

Dealing with guilt and shame about that this morning. Along with an upset stomach. Some of the urges are still with us, but we're trying to resist again.

We have some ideas now about what's happening, what's triggering us, but no idea yet what to do out it. Pretty sure it's coming from inside, not externally.

team Amythyst

We had T today. It was wierd, first half of the session I was getting massive dizzy spells, like my perception was jumping back and forth from one eye to the other or something? I mean, I don't think it was, but that's the best way I can describe it? Like just, every other minute there'd be this tiny shift and a massive dizzy spell.

Then towards the end of the session we were talking about some stuff, like last week some memories didn't quite surface but some stuff bubbled up and it feels like a lot of bad things maybe happened when we were 4 years old. And we were talking about the stuff we do know from that year, and like two different things we said and our T was shocked that these things were allowed to happen, like that it was jsut normal stuff for us back then?

Anyways the thing that stuck in my head at the end was she caught something in how I was talking. Like, I was referring to that year, and I said something like, "We don't remember stuff but we don't really wanna go there cos there's alot of bad stuff going on."

And she said, "It's not going on any more, that's from the past. It's over now."

And it was like, Ok I know that? I am consiously aware that it's the past. But it made me realize that we talk about it as if it's still happening. We talk about the past as if it's a different place in the present. We don't see it as a different point in time. It's now, just somewhre else.

I've been thinking about that the last like 30 or 40 minutes. Cos I believe I am time-oriented? I know its 2020 and I know how old the body is and I know that when we were 4 years old was a long time ago and not now. But when I talk about it, I talk about it like its another place but still happening.

I dunno what else to think about this.

Viola

Viola@Amythyst wrote:I know its 2020 and I know how old the body is and I know that when we were 4 years old was a long time ago and not now. But when I talk about it, I talk about it like its another place but still happening.

Hi Viola,

We really identify with this, and we're sorry you're going through it.

I've told our T a number of times that I often feel like I'm experiencing two realities at once: the present and the past. We relive the trauma like it's the movie "Groundhog Day."

A variation of this is that I experience two conflicting desires/needs at the same time--a healthy one and an unhealthy one. Or I experience myself as different emotional ages at the same time. The best analogy would be the Star Trek TOS episode about a parallel universe.

And I worry that because I present very articulately in T, she'll mistakenly believe that I've got it together when the truth is far from it.

Hoping for peace for you and for us.

Charity

Thanks Charity,

I'm sorry you deal with this too.

It was a kinda revelation for me yesterday, cos until our T pointed it out I wasn't even aware we do that? Like, in my mind that stuff isn't the present, its past. But now I see, it's obviously not like that for others in our system, and that affects how we talk even if I don't even know it.

There was another thing yesterday I'd forgotten about. At one point when we were talking about that stuff from when we were 4yo, our T said that our neck, throat, and chest had all turned red. She said she's seen that happen on us at other sessions too.

We usually don't notice when it's happening at first, but we knew what it was. It's a 'stop talking' response? Like when we're saying stuff we're not supposed to? I told her that too, and if we start saying stuff we really shouldn't it gets to where we feel physically choked, like the words choke in our throat and we become nonverbal.

It's always been like that, we don't remember how or when that started.

We don't hafta worry about being too articulate tho. I kinda worry the opposite, like we struggle so much to stay focused, not space out, and have so much trouble finding words & stuff, I think sometimes she'll think we're worse off than we are.

Viola

Hi Viola,

I think it's good that your T noticed that you turn red when you talk about something difficult. We're sorry that you experience stress so strongly that you sometimes end up nonverbal.

I find it difficult to heed those inner signals that say that we have to slow down and pace ourselves, that we need to respect the limits on what we can handle now. My impulse has always been to push for healing as strongly and as swiftly as we can. And I'm learning that pushing is not necessarily a good thing.

Charity

Thanks Charity,

We need to do that too, slow down & try not to push & stuff. I think I've gotten kinda obsessed about writing my little stories cos it's like, escapism & makes it so I'm not focusing on the bad stuff. I worry that it's also like meaning I'm going back to denial or dissociation or something. I might talk to our T about it this week, dunno yet.

Had something kinda amazing happen last night, & I'm not sure if it's a DID thing but I'm pretty sure its at least a thing about childhood trauma & distorted self worth & stuff like that?

So like, we've always been super sensitive to criticism & stuff. Like, previous host used to do phone app development, and like, she'd get a thousand 5-star reviews, but then a single 2 star review would destroy her & she'd feel awful for days, or weeks.

She'd have imposter syndrome, feel like she's a faker, no good, like literally she'd believe she somehow duped a thousand other people but that one person saw thru the mask & revealed how awful a person she was?

So she wound up simply never reading any reviews. She kept working on the apps, and sometimes she'd check and see the rating, but never ever read another review.

We've read this is common with abuse survivors, that it gives us flawed core beliefs and stuff?

Anyways, so with my short stories, I've got 2 of them out there now, and I've been reading the reviews and feeling really good about it cos they're all really positive? When I got a 4-star review I was even laughing like 'yay I got my first 4-star review' cos up till then they'd all been 5 stars.

But last night, I got an email from our best friend. I'd sent her the 2nd story last week, she finally finished it & wrote with her thots on it. And like, she had some criticism. So of course, our brain automatically picks out like the 2 critical sentenses and immediately blows it up into like, our best friend hates it, thinks my writing is dumb, etc etc etc.

Except, heres the amazing part. It didn't crush me. I didn't immediately feel like $#%^ and think i should never write again, that everyone else was wrong & somehow they'd given good reviews by accident or whatever.

I just kinda thot to myself, actually no? My story is good, other people say its good, and our best friend has made a mistake, or missed something.

Then I went back & re-read her email, and like without the internal brain doom filter I could see the positive things she said. And Finally I figured out what her criticism really was about. I hadn't told her the story was part of a series, so she thot it was standalone, and from that pov her complaint was correct. Some of the parts didn't make sense. But if you see it as like, 'episode 2 of a 6 part series' then it makes way more sense.

And it was just like, wow. Somehow, I have enuf confidence that even when our brain said our best friend hated my writing and thot I was terrible, I still stood up to that & believed that I was ok.

It really felt good. I hope we can keep doing that kinda thing.

Viola

That's amazing and wonderful, Viola! It's good to take notice of things like that because that's proof of core beliefs changing in a real way. And once you've had that experience, it makes it easier to do again and again--like, the next time you get some kind of criticism, you'll have had that little bit of practice dealing with it in a constructive way and can build on that.

I've been finding it gradually easier to hold onto the positive and not let the little bit of negative destroy the value of the whole thing, and it's helped my outlook and confidence a lot.