keep on keeping on

so glad you got AC and that mitigates pain levels!! hooray, birdsong.

we made it thru this heat wave. the thunderstorm last night was terrifying. our furniture shock, the thunder was like explosions and you could hear the lightning striking around our home.
today is only moderately too warm and tomorrow its supposed to be nice.

I am depressed. I don't feel it when I am in the back, just watching Asti or Annett. then I front and suddenly I feel like a weigh a ton and can't move. they wanted to give me some fun time on the weekend, but I am no fun. now I am just sitting here, wondering what to eat and how to take care of myself and maybe this is just not working right now...
I am also very sad because a couple of friends are on vacation. so less people to talk to. and knowing they are at the ocean when we didn't have a real vacation since 2010...yes, I kind of believe it is better to be depressed at the ocean than depressed at home.

Lately I notice envy in me that hasn't been there at any point in our life. A desire to have something better in life. maybe a hint of the idea that we would deserve a better life.
I hate it when people think they deserve something. feeling entitled is really bad for relationships and mental health. maybe there is a middle ground between the extremes that we need to explore.

Hi L,

Sorry you're feeling depressed. Is there anything you could do that would be fun, that's just for you?

I'm wondering cos when I was feeling like that - feeling sad and depressed and stuff when I was fronting - they encouraged me to go out and do something that was fun just for me. I didn't want to at first, cos depression is like a lot of inertia and stuff, but they pushed and I did it, and it worked, helped me feel better.

We hear you about the vacation stuff too. We haven't had one in a long time either. I hope you're ablel to find something fun or something to help you feel better.

V2

you are allowed to want things.

I don't know. the body hurts and nothing seems like fun. but I will try.

thanks for the support.

this idea of being allowed to want things doesn't come at the right time. all the things I might want cost money or need a fit body and we won't ever have any of that ever again.


I wanted to tell you about Maya and the Littles Thread but I didn't know where to put it.

Nobody did anything wrong. Least of all Evan.
Maya is inside a lot these days and doesn't share much to begin with. she is also very sad about the situation with Thamara and it doesn't seem to fit the happy chitchat. she feels lonely and like it is not the right place for her the moment she hears what others write. that has nothing to do with Littles not being allowed to be happy and more with her sense of loneliness when she is not happy and feeling like she doesn't belong when she is not happy. we take good care of her. but she also doesn't want to make happy Littles sad with her stuff. so right now she doesn't want to read the Littles Thread and she doesn't want to write anything.
she also gets easily overwhelmed when there are so many Littles and they have been talking for a while already and she can't follow the conversation and she is too young to remember all the names. She knows Evan and she remembers Nadias name and then it gets a little vague. it feels really bad to be the new kid in the group every time she wants to try to say something. she is shy. when she feels safe she can be more outgoing and all that. but most of the time now she is shy when we look at the Littles Thread and then she wants to go because she can't follow the conversation. she is pretty young. it is just mentally too hard right now.
maybe she will write in the Littles thread for difficult topics, I don't know. bigger chance than the official Littles Thread.
for a moment she wanted to share about the T making music for her some weeks ago. but then she didn't feel safe enough and I guess we will all just have to accept it and give her some time.
I just wanted you to know that it is a problem between the nature of a Littles Thread and her difficulties to keep up mentally and her shy sadness. not about anyone particular. she can't even remember much of a conversation on the Littles thread except that there once was a fair that was really cool. and games of guessing animals. and that Sea isnt there anymore. so def nothing anyone did wrong.

just some thoughts...
I finished listening to the tombs of atuan, second book of the earthsea series. they used to write a different kind of fantasy back then...


**** trigger warning**** for those with a background of ritual abuse
it is about a girl who basically gets raised in a high priestess of a cult that is only active in this one place in the world. she learns all the things to serve her nameless masters.
then she enters a crisis in her faith when she realizes that her gods are not real.
that all she has been doing was meaningless.
later she learns that there is power in the place and that it is evil, nothing to worship and not touched by the service of mankind. next crisis to learn that she is not a favored of her gods but meaningless to them.
she runs from the temple and the cult, changes her cult name, leaves it all behind. in another crisis of noticing that all she knows is how the cult works. how to serve gods nobody worships in the world out there. that she doesn't know a thing about living in the outside world.
then she realizes that she doesn't fit in and never will.
and hits the next crisis when she realizes that the person who helped her get free will not stay with her to help her through life.
she finally finds a quiet place for herself doing small things.

it reminded me so so much of our experience with parts who are stuck in trauma time, maybe learned certain jobs from abusers. all they knew were the abusers rules. then the power of the abusers is shaken, we are grown up now, they can't do anything anymore... and that they never loved us, only used us.
parts arriving in the present were just like that, hitting crisis when they realized that in the world out here, none of what they learned and know has any meaning. it can be so freaking absurd to realize that our abilities from traumatime are not needed in this world, nobody cares about the arcane knowledge of a cult. and then the realization that the T will not be there forever to help us find out way...

I was deeply impressed how well the author managed to guide through all the different stages of crisis and adapting. we always notice when authors get stress responses wrong and it bothers us. this was done really well. it is a strange book, totally strange. with very little action and a lot of metaphor. But I am glad I learned this story.

in the first book in the series a mage is hunted by a shadow. until he turns around and starts hunting the shadow himself. that too reminded me a lot of trauma work.

Hi birdsong,

Thanks so much for telling us about Maya. We were kind of worried about her. I'm glad it wasn't Evan's fault because he really likes her. Hunting shadows! So cool! I guess that's what we do. Hunt them so they don't hunt us.

Iain

Annette - You keeping cool? Got the AC rigged? It's hot as h*ll here too. I tried getting something done outside. Pushed the body too hard. Bad idea. Now everybody's mad at me.

Colin

Annett is on a little peace mission.
Thamara got stuck in flashbacks and dreams about some punishment the abusers said they would do to traitors. it took us forever and the help of the T to get her more oriented.
then it turned out that she is still afraid of Age.
almost like she missed all the huge changes we had last year.
Age has been helpful and watching over Asti when she got too stressed.
she rarely speaks and when she does it is a little creepy because she is so close, always watching co-con, but we don't feel her presence unless we hear her speak. not co-con with her at all. it is probably better that way because she knows a lot of dark stuff. this co-con thing doesn't make too much sense here either... she just stays very close to the front to observe carefully. it doesn't matter who is fronting, she is always observing from close to the front...
well, there has been contact between the adults but Thamara must have missed all that and she is still scared that Age will hurt her. there also seems to be a history of punishment between them.
so Annett said she would do stuff with both of them, introduce the new Age through play. Thamara feels safe with her present. I hope this works out somehow. I keep reminding everyone that it doesn't have to be long. short safe experiences that repeat are just as powerful.

trying to manage the pain. stepped up the lyrica. it makes me feel drunk. and I think we somehow dissociated the effect of the last one I took yesterday because I went suddenly sober...
keeping track of pain and meds, both for prevention and then the painkillers, is like a fulltime job.
I think I am doing ok.
we have ok summer weather for the next 2 weeks at least before the next heat wave hits us. got a little color on my shoulder without burning the skin badly. rare thing to happen...
I really hope we can manage the stress too. the facial pain got worse than ever lately. it is pain that can drive you insane.

I am going to bore you to pieces with my constant whining.

I feel lonely. another week passed without seeing anyone. our best friend is in some kind of midlife crisis and he is withdrawing. he wouldn't call it that. he just avoids everyone and any conversation is superficial and dies after a few sentences.
I will see Hope on tuesday. trying to comfort myself. again, 11 days til seeing the T. I hate this so much. why can't we see her more often? stupid $#%^

the face has a constant pressure, mostly on the left side. like the pain will explode any moment.
I don't dare to cry. crying makes it get so bad I want to die. why do we have a pain issue now that keeps me from crying? how can I stand this life if I can't even cry?

tomorrow is a big date for the abuser clan. lots of flashes of memories. mostly about the punishment for traitors. because we did not go there for the big meet up. we are safe at home. safe but drowning in memories that are too bad to describe. the T said we could tell her, she would believe it. But it is beyond speaking.
I keep trying to breathe deeply and breathe away the tears so we won't have the present pain explode and mix with the old.
I distracted myself all day. but I get bored with the distractions. its like I am not even alive. and when I stop there is the memory. and then the need to cry. and then the pain.
I think looking from the outside I am coping well enough. but my emotions are not ok. not sure where this is going.
it is just the most wicked combination, getting punished for crying like that.

I’m not bored, and it certainly isn’t whining.
Are there ways to change some things so life is more bearable? Can you see the T more often?
And what other treatments have they offered you for the trigeminal neuralgia?? There are next steps when meds are not sufficiently effective. Can’t you see the neurologist and tell them that you need something beyond what they’ve done for you so far?
I wish there was something I could do directly to help, but at least know that I’m reading this and thinking about you.