keep on keeping on

I am in no condition to take snarky remarks. I do think that needing money for different self-care issues and the need to make priorities can be seen as a con without having to make it all trauma based.
not all over-control is trauma based but most of mine is. it's like telling me all my actions are trauma based and I need to be a different person or not exist to remove that problem from our system.
reading that book I start to see the extent of the problem and I am very crushed about it.
it is nothing I know how to solve. I only know how to solve things with more control.

I'm sorry. We are very big on solving things with more control--that's how we've gotten by for many years, so I completely understand that way of thinking, and it's definitely not a bad thing. It's just that it can be taken to an extreme, and then it works against you.

I definitely don't think you need to be a different person or not exist!! And I'm really sorry if you took it that way.

Maybe that book isn't so helpful if it's causing those kinds of feelings. You're very valuable and important just the way you are. And you did buy the air conditioner. So you were able to be flexible and change your plan and adjust your priorities. I think those are successes. Being uncomfortable with it just means you stepped outside your comfort zone, and you're looking at why it's so hard, so that's all good.

Sorry again, Asti.

I think the book is helping. it draws the line that finally explains the difference between healthy self-control/ task perseverance and over-control.
it's just hard for me to notice how much of what I am doing is actually over-control. and to realize that this is the reason why eg I feel so lonely and like nobody helps me.
I haven't come to the place where they explain how to get better. so right now I am only facing a reality I didn't see before. that my over-control is creating problems and sometimes keeping us from helpful things.
you know, I used to think that everyone else had the trauma patterns and I was fine.
it looks so stupid now, that I made myself believe that. I am just as deeply influenced by trauma as the others.
it feels ridiculously vulnerable all of a sudden. probably not a bad thing. but damn, I need to figure this out. (aka: get the control back )
I realize that I don't have the right tools to solve this.
seeing the T later today. I really hope she can say something else than 'small safe experiences of less control' cause I wouldn't know how to do that. even just wanting to work on the problem seems to be the wrong approach!

We hope that the birdsong folks are starting to feel better with the AC.

Also, we saw Annett posting in the protectors' thread. It's good to see her. We've been thinking about her and have been wondering how she's doing.

MDs

thanks MDs
I am not sure if Annett will post more. we are still not sure who will sponsor the new girl. she seems a good fit for L. if L does it everyone else needs to step up our work on the outside life...

what the T said
basically, I feel all the guilt and shame because I am not used to making decisions based on present time rules. while I realize its not rules of war with the disability it is like post-war. she also said that staying within post-war rules makes it impossible to leave disability long-term. I need to learn how to make changes.
she said I am a bit behind here because others in the system seem to do better with the changes and noticing needs.
I will have to listen to the others for guidance when it comes to self-care purchases. and I need to solve it with my mind, not with the feelings that come with the decision. do what I understand is right and then somehow manage the emotion.
I had tears in my eyes in session because my mind kept thinking terrible, shameful, accusing, judging thoughts over myself.
I wish she had pointed out that mind solutions are my strength. just so that we hadn't talked about my limitations all session long.
it felt good to be open and to see that she understands my dilemma. it makes me feel safer with her.
about the decision itself... when I entered I saw that she has a new portable AC device in her office, like the one I just bought. that felt a little weird. she said that she couldn't see clients in her office if she didn't have one. she would have to close it all summer. If I think it would be smart to shut down the system all summer and just be a bug laying on our back. she said that if she can't work without one, who I come to think that we would be able to do any inner work or any positive change without one. basically like we can quit therapy altogether if the road is blocked by heat and pain tht is constantly retraumatizing. she didn't say she would quit, just that life doesn't make sense and therapy cannot be effective.
that puts and AC for self-care on the same level as no-contact with abusers. I uhm am not sure if that can be compared, but she made her point.

looks like everyone thinks this is the right solution.
so next I need to focus on dealing with the negative emotion. mostly guilt and shame.
it looks like I should get good at managing them because they will show up for a while until doing the right things for present time become more natural.
she said it is a learning process. as a child/teen we were never allowed a learning process. we always had to do things perfectly right away or get punished. so the struggles at the beginning of a learning process always had to be hidden inside and dealt with alone. that is pretty painful $#%^. never to get support and in addition having to hide every problem. that is me. I don't know how to change myself yet.
by doing head-choices and working thru the emotions that follow.
the T, like the textbook, says that being part of a tribe helps. connection and support from others.
I am glad to find that here and on twitter and inside too.
so thats it I guess. A learning process.
I am supposed to learn kindness with myself when I am not perfect.

birdsong87 wrote:...she said it is a learning process. as a child/teen we were never allowed a learning process. we always had to do things perfectly right away or get punished. so the struggles at the beginning of a learning process always had to be hidden inside and dealt with alone.

Hi Asti,

I got sad when I read that. I don't want you to go through the same stuff as us but I guess you are anyway. We got punished a lot for not being perfect. I still have a stupid voice in my head that says I have to be perfect or something terrible will happen. I've been working on that but it's still there. I'm glad you're figuring it out. The big thing is - Sh*t happens. It's not your fault. I have to say that to myself like a thousand times a day. (At least until I'm king of the universe then I'm totally fixing all this sh*t!)

Iain

when Asti is caught in a shame cycle she hurts herself with her thoughts, worse than any blade could do.
Mike says it is a way of toxic coping but I can't see the coping. she is tearing herself apart.

Asti is slowly calming down. she overcompensates things she considers failure and flaws by taking even better care of us and doing important things. so she had some contact with 2 health insurances to figure things out for a bigger project concerning therapy funding.
the OC book actually helped because she realized that she is not the classic OC client and for some reason it is less shameful to be over-controlled when it is trauma based than if it was based on a PD.
don't ask me to explain that, it's the same kind of behavior...
we did have some crisis-like days, but our crisis looks weird. so much of it inside, so little outside.
I think we lost a little weight. just enough to notice it. I am not interested in food at all. only eat as much as I have to, to avoid bad body sensations. not sure if its the CBD or depression. or both.
I am not as terrible to myself as Asti, but I am not happy either.
we saw MDs write about thought of death. I do have those. mainly remembering that we have no legally valid will and the fear of family getting hold of our things. this body is still so young compared to others here on the forum. but it is falling apart with chronic pain and autoimmune problems. we will not get old. not with dignity.

we saw our T today. because it is not just Asti who is struggling.
Thamara has changed quite a bit and Maya has lost her closest friend over this change. Thamara is like a moody teen, wants more distance than ever before, holds a lot more anger than sadness, a lot more need to separate herself from the women in our life and maybe also us hosts...
Maya has been crying a lot lately. and got so caught up in her sorrow that she wouldn't even respond anymore when I tried to get her attention. what a lonely place.

when it became obvious in session that there is great sadness and not much talking the T changed tactics and pulled out her hang (handpan). she placed it on the table before us and showed us how it worked. and then she played a piece for us. otherworldly beautiful sound. she said she knows that sadness won't go away but she is here.
this is an example of someone playing a hang https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oremFnbgO0 (our T is not so fast, but she CAN play it)

it must have been one of the most kindestest things anyone has ever done for us. to make real music just for us and to give us a sound that tells us that she is there and we are not alone. Maya came front shortly after she started playing. such a curious thing. nobody has ever seen such a weird instrument and it was marvellous to see a woman sit there and play it for us. I mean, someone actually making an effort on our behalf...
she let Maya touch it to see if she can make it make a sound too. after bad T experiences years ago our Littles have never been even interested in making contact with a T. Maya was super curious but also super shy, otherwise I am sure the T would have played with her, showing her how to make it a melody.
have I mentioned that this T is beyond anything we have ever experienced? Maya stopped crying and she was able to reconnect with me, so we can be sad together. nothing worse than feeling sad and utterly lost and alone...

I was able to share some trauma stuff that was triggered. the T managed to stay with me. it was all in bits and pieces, but she was very present. showing compassion not with the confused adult but with the child who experienced all that. we have told someone about it before but it was a doc and he responded with medical info about it all and it wasn't so helpful.

I am very much blown away. now I have something to play for Maya that reminds her that there is an adult, a woman mind you, who is kind enough to play her music when she feels sad.
Someone who makes an effort to meet her need with kindness.
and we were not overwhelmed.

That sounds really beautiful and touching, L.

We're so happy for you all, that you've found this new T. She sounds really amazing.

Arin