keep on keeping on

Maybe you can write it out to give to the T, or email it to her, if that's allowed. Because it sounds like there is a need right now to write out the details, and you might not remember how important it is by the time you see her.

I will take notes so I won't forget anything. we always do that.
I won't write because I want her to do what she did last time
be there in a tangible way
it somehow changed something. did something with the loneliness of the memory and made some inside not feel alone with it. like they were caught in a memory with pain and loneliness and suddenly someone was there and they could hear her voice say understanding and caring things. it made a huge difference. I can't explain...

some of it is Ages memory, which means it is some of the more gruesome stuff. Age is good at remembering. I hope she will help.

I am scared of sleeping. we contained the dreams well enough but I really don't want more of that.
changing the medication is always tricky. if we just get more drowsy and can't manage the situation anymore...
today was pretty calm and an overall good rest day.
hope we can make it work til thursday.

uhm, plot twist. thursday will be 104° outside and now I have to keep Asti from pushing thru with the therapy appointment cause she is close to one of her planned self-harming trips to punish herself for not being more capable.
it is 4 hours travelling, with half the time on trains, half of it outside.

Oh no that's way too hot!

Is there anything you can do, like alternate travel, or reschedule to a better day or something?

if she doesn't have time on tuesday we will have to reschedule for next week.
Asti says it is too important and we have to get thru it somehow.
I typed something I haven't sent yet because maybe a friend could pick us up? but that would be dumb luck.

Oh, I hope it works out!

I'm so glad you have the AC now.

About the memories, I totally get that. Last month I felt myself tearing apart at the seams from having to contain things for too long. Some of us like to write stories to contain memories. Not explicitly writing down the memories, but writing fairy tales (and usuallythey end up indirectly being about them). It can sometimes help take a tiny bit off the edge.

Do you have to water the flowers every day?
If the littles won't get grounded in reality, you can consider imagination. Like maybe it is a secret mission and they can have secret agent tools to protect themselves or maybe they are superheroes now and could totally win from anyone.

Medication is soo tricky. The body is not a machine. I hope you can figure something out.

Sending lots of enjoyable coffees your way

Just for the record, I am not crazy.
I know that uncontrollable difficult situations are easier to cope with when we have something about it we do control. so when I say, do the trip but don't take pain killers with you, so we have the facial pain to focus on which we control instead of the heat which we don't control, that would make it easier.
plus it would increase dissociation and that would also make it easier.
I know its a little weird but it's not like I am this mindless person who can't cope with her $#%^.
L cancelled. now what

Hi Asti,

We know you aren't crazy. I understand, controlling one kind of pain with another does work.

Sorry you all had to cancel that appointment, I hope you can make it up with the T another time.

Arin

Hi Asti,

I don't think you're crazy. You are really smart and trying to make things work. Can you guys maybe do a phone session with your T? We've done them and they're ok. 104 degrees is super hot and probably dangerous. It gets that hot here sometimes and people die from it. Be careful ok? We really care about what happens to you guys.

Iain

I sometimes struggle with my own mind so much.
L cancelled yesterday but it took us til today to actually ask for a new appointment.
I am just weird in my head, like I get stuck with my own thinking and then I run into a wall of mind over and over again without getting anywhere...
it might be an aspergers trait. my thinking is very structured and tries to follow rules and I think I struggle with finding balanced solutions when there are conflicting needs and we put both high on our priority list...

we can currently keep the inside temp at about 80-85 and that limites the facial pain dramatically.
I hope it will keep working when its getting even hotter the next few days...

we have nothing to do all week but take care of ourselves. it feels really weird. sunday already felt like a vacation.