keep on keeping on

some of you might have read that things have been wild lately. arent they always...
we lost our support group, there is a huge mess with finances as we cant work right now, the daily struggles just to get thru the day are so intense. we see 2 different Ts, but none of them is specialized on DID. and it still took us forever to find anyone who would agree to treat us... a major crisis with lots of switches and a loss of host...
it looks like our main T got really intimidated by seeing all those switches
she is looking for a clinic where we should continue trauma treatment.

i am exhausted. down to my bones. just drained. i have been in a clinic, it took so much strength, progress is so slow. then i worked well with this T, as well as it is possible when you just work on trauma and ignore alters. maybe i am lucky to get out of this, i dont know. its just... i cant even imagine seeing the next T, having to tell this whole story again, having to trust someone within a few weeks to go on with terrible trauma work. i dont have it in me. not this whole clinic setting with other patients who go crazy all the time, unpredictable outbursts when i just want to be left alone to balance the mess inside... they say i dont get more stable without trauma treatment. but i am not stable enough for trauma treatment. so now its a clinic where they can control me better?
i am too tired for all this. not depressed. i dont have all these negative thoughts. i just feel so drained from the past 2 years of therapy that i cant imagine to just start somewhere else again.
i somehow make it thru the days. often its more than i thought i could do. i cant possibly keep working on something.

i know you know what i am talking about, being so exhausted that further therapy seems impossible. opening up to the next person seems impossible. how do you do it? how do you keep on keeping on?

I know what you're talking about. It's true you have a finite amount of energy, for engaging in the work of DID/trauma, for making decisions about anything. I see it as a matter of physical and psychic energy. Below is just a start, some of it is going to sound elementary so it might be insulting, I don't know. I'm hoping it may help to be reminded of some things you already know:

On shielding yourself from the negative:
* avoid depleting your limited energy by not worrying about as much as you can, anything you can't change, acknowledge it and don't fret about it
* get rid of/avoid people/contacts who sap your energy or bring you down.
* make a list of what depletes or destabilizes you
* avoid junk foods, sugar, anything that puts you on a rollercoaster or makes you fuzzy or nervous

On drawing the positive towards you:
* give yourself credits and praise for handling anything well that took extra effort, pat yourself on the back for something every day. You didn't get enough of this talk as a child or you'd already be doing it well. I'm proud of myself for making it through many days at work without a collapse.
* make a list of what helps you remain stable
* drink a lot of water and eat healthy things, get some exercise by walking outdoors at least

I've found that trauma work isn't exactlly working with alters per se, but it's working with the trauma directly which other parts endured. When I'm working with trauma, sometimes scared littles who lived it come forward but I quickly try to own it myself so they can let go. I think doing trauma work is taking on their burden, even if not always directly.

I get these memories returning and I can't believe how awful they are. It makes perfect sense there are some of us who got to avoid ever knowing about this stuff, while others had to endure it first hand. Trauma work helps your alters. I don't know how it can't. I salute your bravery because I know how incredibly tough it is to deal with.

Thanks for writing, and thanks for your insightful reply, Johnny-Jack.

I can relate to this, too. I've had to change therapists so many times in the past year or so. I am tired of starting over. Life is a struggle. Parts of me can barely handle it.

But we keep on keeping on, like you. Cheers.

When I get tired of explaining everything again and again; I will just write it all down and let them read it. I like writing stories anyway, so it just seems natural for me. I would just start the therapy or give it to them in advanced and be like, "Here, read this. Tell me what you think." Some therapist may not like that approach though. Just hang in there, and keep on keeping on is my favorite saying because it is all you can do sometimes. I get the exhaustion, it sucks from time to time. Just hang in there buddy.

those kinds of times are so tough to endure. and they seem to stretch on endlessly. when even taking it one day at a time is too much. and you must bear it minute by minute, hour by hour, with each step seeming more arduous than the last.

you keep on keeping on. because everything that is swept away is creating space for a new life. you do not plant a garden without first tilling the soil. that sounds fine and dandy until u r the soil getting turned every which way and torn apart.

I believe this is a golden, universal rule of the cosmos. seasons follow each other. and that's why you keep on keeping on. because the sun will rise. and flowers will bloom. and the stars still shine.

thanks for all your support!! i feel better knowing i am not alone.
i found some more courage. giving up is simply not an option. and sometimes... if i do nothing and just wait the sun will rise again. sometimes things happen almost automatically without putting too much effort into it. i realized that it needs an act of aggression to stop life from going on. it just will if i dont mess with it. thats a miracle.

i realized that the last clinic asked me to write down my life with all important events and stuff. i should get a copy of that to hand to every T i meet. saves me a lot of time and energy.

thanks Jonny-Jack for reminding me of the basics. its actually helpful to reminded every now and then. i realized i could improve my diet... i used to build on the foundation of 4. sleep. sunlight. clean eating. exercise. and i realized i only kept the exercise up...

again thanks to everyone for the kind words and support.

sometimes its like challenges will never end. i am trying to save energy but its not really working.
i had to go thru medical tests friday, monday and tuesday and i am the only one who could get us thru... there is at least another one waiting after i got the test results.
these things take so much energy. more than i have to spend. i am losing control over house work. i hate it when that happens. sitting there wondering if someone could please bring out the garbage but nothing happens. i do small things, like vacuum one room. yay. one room done. just a shadow of myself.
i feel so sad today because i fail to keep things going on a level that i think would be needed. and i am so ashamed... just ashamed to have to ask for help. i keep pushing beyond my limits to people who visit wont notice. we are not working right now. we are at home all day. how is it not possible to keep things in order?

Sometimes, when you have our condition or other conditions for that matter, just getting through the day with any movement at all is an accomplishment. I don't know if this helps, but I read a couple years ago that men and women (probably from socialization) tend to judge cleanliness by very different standards. Most males will think a room is perfectly clean while most females think it's not even close. So, maybe you could rely on Mike's take on whether the house is clean enough? Just a thought.

We have a three-minute rule in our home. If we see something needs to be done but we don't have any interest in doing it (like getting yucky soaking pots out of the sink), we don't have to spend any longer than three minutes on doing it. Given that short time frame, for me, it can become a bit of a self-race to see how much I can actually get done in that short period of time. And I usually finish with more energy than I had before due to having accomplished something.

This example may seem really weak compared to your emotional suffering, but speaking for myself, I sometimes benefit from mundane references to counter-balance the global catastrophizing I tend to go into.

As for moving into trauma work quickly, I'm at the same point. I've met twice with a new T and I'm transitioning to her. I need to tackle some incredibly costly avoidance patterns as soon as possible and I'm almost positive why they're there. So we have to revisit horrific trauma that little Kent experienced. Even if this T is really skilled with EMDR and dealing with trauma, it's not going to be easy. Perhaps you can express your very reasonable concerns about jumping straight into trauma work with someone you don't know that well yet. It's possible you'll hear something that may help reassure you a bit.

For us, trauma work doesn't directly involve work with alters, particularly the youngest ones. My T gives me instructions to have the little ones to a safer place inside, having others watch them if possible. This felt impossible at first because logic told me that the alter who experienced the trauma would have to be present during a revisit. But my T reminded me that it was the adults who needed to revisit the trauma. Now I feel their presence during the work but we've already set up the rule that they don't relive the events, we protect them. Somehow it's generally working. Does this apply at all to what you were saying about trauma vs. alter work?

I'm a bit scattered right now so this post may be too.

thanks Johnny-Jack. its really helping me tons to realize i am being heard. and i like the 3-minute idea. i like it a lot and will try. cause i know i feel better when i am active and sometimes it just feels too hard to tackle tasks.
i guess you are right, standards can be different. L always said that she knew it was me who made dinner when the kitchen was clean with all dishes washed... looks like i am the only one cleaning up after work...

you hit a painful spot there with Mike. he is missing. has been for more than a month. him not being around was one of the main reasons for this last crisis. i need him to be around cause he can take care of the littles while i get stuff done. now i try to do something and there are littles whining and demanding attention and its the most nerve wracking thing ever. i think i could keep up with the tasks if there werent demanding children around all the time, struggling for power with me. it has happened a few times now that i chose a workout programm for myself and when i woke up again i was cuddling with a teddy bear instead. i cant be mad about it. i just feel helpless and exhausted. this is not how i do things well. i am not a babysitter.

i am not up for trauma work right now. we did well in the past when Mike was there with me and we kept everything balanced together while L managed the memory. we have tried EMDR compeletly without the littles but it didnt really work. so now we move everyone who wasnt in contact with a specific scene and work co-con with one who knows these things and the results are much much better. L is gone, who knows for how long, Mike is gone... not gonna go there all alone. i am terrible with kids.

it can be hard to talk about traumatic stuff while the T refuses to listen to littles. we have had the scene that L would repeat word after word what Thamara would say, because she wasnt allowed to tell it herself. but the things Thamara shared were memories L didnt have, so it was prett y overwhelming. our T works with a confusing concept of "taking care of the inner child" which always makes me wanna puke, cause its plain stupid romantic stuff and none of our kids are like this "inner child" she is talking about. but she doesnt go with the DID diagnosis, although it was confirmed twice. doing any work while she wont aknowledge that i am here... i hate it when she praises the host for what i have done. really hate it.

our T, i should say Ls T, which makes things really confusing as L hasnt been around for weeks... she is getting very insecure with her alter-free concept and wants us to go to a clinic to be watched. she asked me to pick one last session. that was her mistake right there... i did. i chose one where i can rest, no further trauma work. they never have to know that i am not host here. i will get my time of rest. yep, i feel like i am cheating, but i also feel like this T doesnt give me another chance.

what a day. ive been at court today. we do have... what is it called in english? like a legal helper for all official stuff... now. i made it thru this whole hearing, beet red, having to admit that we, i am too weak and too stupid to take care of us. that was a nightmare. i am just ashamed.
Elle said that it might take some of the pressure off me. i just feel broken and worthless and it might take a while til i can see how this is going to be helpful.

and i got the results from the last medical tests. they found something. which means more medical tests. i cant take it. and cant do one more test. this is scary stuff and nobody else will do it but i just cant. go. on.
i know this is the point where usually Mike would step in and tell me that i am tired and exhausted and cant think straight and that i should go to bed. never thought i would miss him