How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Earlier this week a deeply personal matter was resolved with a positive outcome, so we are, in general, relieved; however, we seem to have also become strangely more dissociative since then. It as if the stress surrounding that situation has been translated to inner stress. We have found ourselves frequently switching into a fear state of something akin to general fuzzy confusion OR cold dread, which we can mostly fight off with grounding techniques, but not always and it is exhausting.

I'm getting over a cold, so maybe that's why I've been more easily triggered last night and today. I've been getting better at recognizing when I'm slipping down into hopelessness, and then grounding to get past it, but it feels so hard to keep going. Like the flashbacks are a mucky swamp, and it's such a huge effort to take each step forward through the day. As soon as I've pulled one foot free from the muck and put it down, the other foot is sinking and needs to be pulled out, and then by that time, the first one has sunk again.

littleDaria wrote:Earlier this week a deeply personal matter was resolved with a positive outcome, so we are, in general, relieved; however, we seem to have also become strangely more dissociative since then.

Change is difficult--sometimes a positive change is harder to cope with than a negative change. Harder to fit into one's world view. That's usually how it works for me. If things are going badly, that's to be expected. But a good thing? Whoa--that does not compute!

VioletFlux wrote:I was trying to contrast how I feel now, with what life was like before our breakdown, before our DID awareness. Like, are we doing better now, or are we doing worse.

And I realized I can't -- I don't know what it was like before...

-Violet (1)

Even though I can remember life before being consistently aware of the parts, it's still impossible to answer that question. Because "better" would just have been a superficial "better." Everyone was still in here, and I didn't understand why I would suddenly start crying sometimes, or feel really different and have different interests/priorities. Now I spend more time trying to figure this all out, and that takes energy away from other things, but my activities are more intentional--or at least I understand why I'm spending my time in certain ways, or having certain feelings.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Even though I can remember life before being consistently aware of the parts, it's still impossible to answer that question. Because "better" would just have been a superficial "better." Everyone was still in here, and I didn't understand why I would suddenly start crying sometimes, or feel really different and have different interests/priorities. Now I spend more time trying to figure this all out, and that takes energy away from other things, but my activities are more intentional--or at least I understand why I'm spending my time in certain ways, or having certain feelings.

Thanks Gang! I don't know why this is so hard for me to remember... You're absolutely right, we had these same problems before, except previous host didn't know why or what was happening.

Though I do sort of suspect some of the things weren't as bad, or weren't as frequent. I think when the dissociative walls started crumbling, that must have allowed some of the symptoms to get worse. Like I know she had the same emotional flashbacks that I get, but I don't think she got them as frequently.

You're right though, if it was 'better' it would have been superficial, and it would have been worse for the other parts, as she'd have been ignoring them, ignorant of their needs and we wouldn't be trying to heal or improve at all.

-Violet (1)

This is freaking me out. I get anxiety because of being around people, I have anxiety disorder so I'm used to it and it's normal for me. But I'm currently sitting here anxious and feeling like I'm on the verge of a panic attack because I'm NOT around people! I'm sitting at the open computer lab at school alone, everyone else left about an hour and a half ago, and I have to leave for work in about 45 min. I expected to enjoy the time alone between now and work but no, I'm feeling terrible and I've even gotten to the point where I can't focus on my schoolwork! Everyone inside has tried to comfort me, but it's just not the same as someone physically next to me.
~Alex

we are going to spend the holidays in a place that might not have internet. So if you don't hear from us for a while, there is no reason to worry.

I'm feeling sorry for myself again today.

Like life just keeps throwing one disappointment, letdown, or pile of #######4 after another our way.

Just once, I'd like to have something nice happen. Like a happy surprise or something. Just to see what it feels like.

-Violet (1)

Hi guys my name is Maria I'm pretty sure I'm the host :O I recently found out I might have DDNOS or DID since I started hearing voices in my head I was given the diagnosis of Schizoaffective initially. But recently ive started hearing male and female voices in my head. They've started communicating with me through typing on my keyboard and I'm not really sure how to feel. What's it like for you guys? I don't experience the typical amnesia or lost time/black outs and/or traumatic upbringing like people normally do with this disorder (don't like calling it that because its not a disorder its how the people were born) im not sure who I am right now as I believe I'm experiencing co existence. I have a couple of names written down so far I have Simon, Penelope, Hei, Stephanie, Gregory, George, Sapphire, Justin, Carolyn, Fred, and Kane. There may be one thats called Rose who was with me when i was admitted to the hospital. I'm keeping track of them in a google word document right now. Some of these names might be removed once I figure out whos real and whos not. Simon seems to be the most active right now. I believe hes a child persona or alter or whatever the terminology is. I believe hes whats classified as a protector. He comes out when me (the host) is depressed or experiencing anxiety. Hes very childish and loves playing minecraft. Unfortunately for him I no longer play minecraft because the windows 10 edition sucks. but I might let him play on the playstation this weekend. This is all over the place sorry for being so disorganized with my thoughts. It kinda doesn't help that im having to force myself to be in control while typing this. Speaking of which ill let Simon take over cause hes been itching to talk this entire post.

Simon- Im simon im a protecter persona and i really want to help her get over her aniexty and depression. She has a hard time letting us have control but i think shes getting used to the idea of us being around. But right now were trying to figure out who we are and whats going on in here. For some reason she cant come to what we call the "mind space". We have a speculation its one of the other personas stopping her from coming in but we arent quite sure yet.
Anyway sorry for the long post guys ill update this later when I have the time.

Hi Maria and all. Welcome to the forum. We think that a lot of people here can identify with what you're describing. There are a lot of supportive people here.

Once you begin to read more of the threads and familiarize yourself with what the forum has to offer, you may want to consider starting a journey thread to track your progress during your journey. A number of people here have found it helpful to do this. In addition to benefitting the member who creates and uses the journey thread, it also benefits other members as they read it. Our journey thread is linked below.

MDs

Hai guys its me Maria again. I've been trying to adjust to having dissociation and I think I might have discovered someone who wants to hurt me D: Simon isn't strong enough to protect me from him. how do I make sure the bad alter doesn't take control of me and sabotage my body (ex: Cutting, doing harm to others, or acts of self harm) I've never experienced being a cutter before and I don't wanna ever experience being that. I'm trying to keep sharp objects away from me just in case. And the staff at the group home keeps a log of who has signed out potentially sharp objects such as scissors or razors.
Simon- I don't want her to get hurt so I'm trying to keep the bad alter at bay but he comes out whenever she starts thinking about her exs alter Deus who was a serial killer and had cannibalistic tendencies. He was very very dark in his thinking and I believe the alter is trying to mimic him. he keeps threatening her to kill everyone she knows and cares about. I don't know how to deal with this can another protector help me out please? I'm trying my best but its really hard to stop him from coming out. Please help!

We've been getting a bunch of dizzy spells lately. Well we get them like all the time with depersonalization or derealization, but they've been really bad the last couple days. Yesterday afternoon one came on that was so strong I thought I'd better lie down just in case.

I got lost before I could get to our bedroom though - which is wierd because our place is small and there's only a couple rooms, but instead of turning left to the bedroom I guess I went right and ended up in the front hall. Then I couldn't see and I heard a loud crash.

When I could see again, I was laying on the floor in the front hall, with a bit of a headache.

It was really wierd, like if I blacked out, I could still hear, but couldn't see or feel? I don't think we've ever had that happen before. And never got lost in our own place before. We do frequently get left & right mixed up though lol.

Anyways we eventually got to bed and rested a while. Still having a lot more dizziness than usual today, but nothing as bad as that.

No idea what caused it. Don't remember if I was having DP / DR before it came on. Might not even be dissociative at all, maybe we just weren't hydrated, or electrolytes imbalanced or whatever. Just chalking it up as 'another wierd thing that happened.'

-V2

p.s. we did have a CT done last month to check our brain, because of the headaches and dizzy spells, and it came back 'normal', so that's already been addressed.

p.p.s. Edited to add, I forgot one thing we did yesterday morning that might have been a factor, is we wrote a letter to the whole system and re-invited everyone to communicate, to talk, to use the body, and then we recorded a video reading it to the system. Then we played back the video to try and make sure everyone saw it.

This was to try and renew our efforts of communication. So maybe it's a coincidence, or maybe it was something happening as a response to our big re-invite for everyone to reach out and talk or whatever.