**potentially triggering**
My avatar is an actual painting of Jack at age 10. I've searched for but never found a photograph of my alter personality Jack and one may not exist. However, the avatar is a reduced digital photo of a 3ft x 5ft composition of Jack, painted from memory by my father a year or so after Jack punched him in the face, fought back, ran away that night, thus ending the abuse, then shortly went inside for decades.

Jack's eye squint is characteristic of him, though here it also helps him aim the gun. My father was a gun collector. The pistol is no toy. It is the relative size of an adult weapon, which Jack holds ready for his off-screen assailant. He protects the untroubled boy on his back, the host John (aka Johnny), whose face is not shown, indeed, cannot be shown for it would be identical to Jack's.

My father may or may not have consciously known what he was painting but the identities and the meaning of the painting are quite clear to me. Everyone close to the family who has seen the painting says the boy is me. Others have confirmed that even he knew it turned out to be his son. Only I know the boy with the gun is Jack and the child on the ground was his second favorite son, John (Johnny). It is the largest painting ever done by our father, who knew quite well that the two boys were different, though in the same body. He never named this painting. Although it's not clear in this reduced version, the dog, with human-like eyes, stares back in harsh judgment at the painter of the scene, and so at the viewer.

(April 28, 2012) Two friends who know my entire story now, who knew me since we were age 2 or 3 and who knew my parents, got an overwhelming response to viewing the painting. The boys' bodies are so close, the recumbent Johnny seems to blend into Jack. One held her hand over the dogs lower face and said the eyes looked human and accusing.

I have mixed feelings about displaying a painting by my abuser, but it is the only known visual record of Jack, the painting itself is not at fault, it is absolutely his likeness and a documentation of his battle won, and I retain it to honor Jack, who no longer sleeps.

Like many OCD & HOCD sufferers I too was stressed , searched for answers to help me , worried & had some what of anxiety . The thing was , my HOCD problem started when my thoughts intentionally stood on the subject if I was "gay" or not , eventually it turned into something bad , & like many others who suffer from HOCD I had doubts about my sexuality & had tested several times if I was still attracted to girls. Now , on that subject , the only porn I ever would watch was lesbian and just girls on cam , meaning I was only interested in girls when it came to porn, I didn't like the fact of seeing a guys dick anyway. So I tested if I was still hard from girls , and I was. Like most who had suffered from HOCD , I had watched porn and still gotten hard from girls. But what worries people the most is losing the attraction to girls on your nasty experience of HOCD. Losing attraction is normal , & it must of happened because of the intrusive thoughts you have been applied too, & once you train your brain back to the way it usual would think your attraction will return , trust me , in fact your attraction was never left , it's just anxiety from HOCD, I thought I lost attraction to girls in real life until I knew deep down I really wasn't . Also , experiencing HOCD and testing yourself if you'll get hard usually leads to you forcing yourself to get an erection , which ain't that easy , you can't force an attraction , so don't panic that you're gay if you don't get hard, it's just the anxiety. Remember , a bad thought would eventually turn into something worse if you pay too much attention to it & try to fight it. Which brings me to these main points of HOCD :

1. HOCD sufferers who say they were straight & suddenly panicked & thought they were gay are really straight , If you get hard from girls , and get disgusted from the gay thoughts ( usual HOCD symptoms ) then it is obvious you really are straight , a gay person would enjoy the thoughts and not question if they are gay or not , they would not get hard from girls either , & should of realized they were gay long ago. A gay person with HOCD would fear of being straight , not fear of being gay if they already knew they were.

2 . H(OCD) is a trickster , it will get you thinking you're something you're not , the more you pay attention to it the more of a problem it will become, and I know not paying attention to the thoughts can be tough , but read on & you will see how this all connects.

3. Gay people wouldn't have a straight past life , no one can just simply "turn gay" without knowing way back before the thoughts came in that they were attracted to men. Think about it , ever since you started questioning yourself you started to believe more and more that you were gay , & it got stronger , your brain is trying to say you're gay because that was the question of the day , the subject that was on your mind , you are not your brain , you control your thoughts , and your thoughts have been saying you're gay when you really aren't & your sexuality can't just change out of no where , it makes no sense how that would be possible.


4. You are stressing about being gay , one who is gay wouldn't be stressing on old news they have found out years ago. Proof that you are truly straight is that you do fear of becoming gay & have all the proof that you are straight ( common thought from HOCD sufferers ).

5. Most people "check" if they're really gay or not by watching porn and seeing if gay or straight erects them. Thing is , even if you do end up getting erected by straight porn the thoughts will still be there , HOCD will keep telling you that you are gay , when you really aren't, that is why you do not pay attention to "checking" , it is pointless since the thoughts will just keep bouncing back. You will always have proof that you are straight , because in reality...

[ Continued ]

The morning is good--just fine but I am not.

OMG!!!!! i have been in hospital for 5 weeks 1 day

one of the accommodations has fallen through - not my fault - they are stuped people playing phone tag with my workers and because of that i never got a interview for the unit - very frustrating

i have been accepted to the CCU place i just have to wate for a bed which could take months - i dont want to stay that long in hospital but i may have to

they have another place which i think is a 95% chance i will get - 2 things i dont like about it is the area its in (CBD) of Melbourne and it is with 3 other people - so i go from 2 others to 3 others

there is a patient that is driving me NUTS - i so want to glue and tape his mouth shut - he is old and grumpy (no offence ment) - will not shut up - its his way or no way - i just want to punch him

I am worried and ashamed of my weird fetishes i have had for years.. right back to when i was 13 i think.
The three are:
- coprophilia
- beastality
- peeing outdoors (i have been doing that alot lately).
I know they're not normal.. but i just can't seem to come to dislike them. Like to the point where they're the only things I'm sexually attracted too.
I was diagnosed with early stages of schizophrenia a couple of year's back. I have noticed it's gradually worsened the last couple of month's.
I don't open up to my family.. i feel they'll view me differently and i obviously couldn't deal with that.
I just need to know if all this is leading to a full blown psychotic episode.. do i need medication or some serious help?