The following is a letter I wrote in response to a combative facebook message from my n-sibling sent in early May 2015. I've written it 10x over and over again. I had every intention on sending it, but as I get closer to the end of June, I've decided not to. This is mainly because the act of writing it has been enough to solidify my determination on setting boundaries with n-family. Writing it has been very cathartic, and a source of strength. Plus, I know that even if I sent it, they wouldn't appreciate the perspective I convey. Maybe one day it will be necessary to send this letter, but until then I enjoy writing it. Sometimes I rewrite it to be very angry and 5 pages long. Sometimes it's very matter of fact and less than a page long. It goes back and forth. I thought I would share one of the drafts for anyone interested.

"Dear Family,
My sibling has brought it to my attention that feelings are hurt because I don’t keep in touch. So, to acknowledge the situation is to say the following:

First of all, it’s not ok to message me on Facebook to criticize and curse at me. It’s this exact kind of negativity that I’m keeping a distance from. I will block any further hostilities. Though I am very relieved to know that no one was seriously injured by the flashflood at the rodeo, I am also tired of only hearing from yawls end when there is bad news.

Secondly, I am not participating anymore. I will not arrange holiday get-togethers since I don’t hear from anybody unless I initiate. I will not facilitate visits between family members because we are all adults capable of making our own plans. I will not perform any favors. I have stopped, and will not resume, making the unreciprocated effort to visit or call. I am not going to exhaust my energy chasing after y’all to do the things families are supposed to do.

Thirdly, the disrespect I received for my genuine efforts this past November was the last straw for me. I feel invisible until I have something y’all want, or until I become an obstacle. Then I’m either taken advantage of without gratitude, or I’m attacked. I’m tired of the complete disregard my own family shows towards my wellbeing, my perspective, and my intentions. I’m damned if I get involved, and damned if I don’t. Every time I’m met with yawls hostilities, I am shattered. Then I am abandoned to pick up the pieces alone while y’all divert responsibility by acting like victims. I’ve had enough.
Lastly, I will only accept responsibility for myself. In spite of yawls attacks, I have persevered in putting my life together. I’ve worked too hard for too long to let anybody drag me down. I will be neither a doormat nor a caretaker. I will not negotiate this situation or ask permission. I will not justify myself beyond these words or answer any questions. I will not tolerate confrontation or further harassment.

This situation is unfortunate because I love all of you and I wish there was trust to involve you; but I don’t have the emotional currency to deal with the disrespect and hostility. I need time, I need space, and I need to be left alone.
Sincerely,

Daniella"

see wtf. my dad just showed up at my work and i got SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAD. like i was happy to see him but i got so f***ing mad because i told him i worked late tonight. anyways then he said that he was just in the neighbourhood so he'd see if i needed a ride. WOW im such a bitch...like wtf.

now i just wanna cry, which i shed a few tears at work, thankfully noone's around to see...and now im thinking about how ugly i am

i dont wanna die i just wish i never existed. i just wish everyone got amnesia and forgot who i am and i could die so then noone would hurt.

So my good week has taken a turn about! I feel like crap. I feel completely alone, I have no one to talk to. I've realised I'm so good at pushing people away!

Today I was looking at pictures ranging from 10 years ago to present. It really got me down, i never used to think I was ugly. But looking at the pictures I see I was really ugly. Also looking at them I see the girl I used to be; a complete polar opposite to what I am now.

I've thought about that holiday, I'm thinking I'll not go.

Why is life so hard? Maybe Its karma.

Katrina x

okay so i just made this thing
and well, i guess the first thing i should do is introduce myself.

hey, im charlie. i am bipolar, which is why i signed up to this thing. i have a weird memory problem. i cant remember anything before the fourth grade, but now, i have a fantastic memory. so i also suffer from not having any idea as to who the hell i am. i really dont know who i am. who the hell is charlie? who is this prick and why are they so self righteous that theyre writing about themselves on a blog? why are they so damn stupid? why are they ripping on themselves now?? hell, if i know. i really dont.
im from new york and i love 60's rock and jazz music.

yeah, if there is one thing i know, its that i got a soft spot for everyone from eddie cochran to the lambrettas.

im a fantastic writer too, im told. but hell do i suck at math. damn i love math though. its great, it really is.

oh im angry too. im angry all the time. and depressed. but, im obsessed with being a hero or a knight or whatever.
i'd rather die a hero, then know i lived long enough to see someone get hurt when i could've helped em. i'd rather die, i swear it.

oh and im an atheist that spends all their time on the internet.

goodbye for now,
charlie

If murder were legal & not stigmatized by weaklings...

A) Everyone would do it. On a regular basis.
B) Nobody would feel guilty, anxious or squeamish about it.
C) The world would be a better place.

If you disagree, you're lying.