There was a sense of living in two worlds, the world within and the world without. I thought I was imagining thing. I thought I was going mad. I was driven half crazy before I accepted that I lived in two world. And with acceptance came the most beautiful insight into my inner world, it overwhelmed me, I had tears running down my cheeks and I felt very spiritual. It was like a revelation - an wakening. I wasn’t afraid anymore.

Hi Peoples,
I have been trying very hard to keep my emotion in check today. I was itching and waiting to get home so that I could let my feelings out on here instead of on my body. I have a dance to go to tomorrow and I have a lot of cuts on my wrists and it is very embarrassing/: The guy asked me if I could please be happy and not sad, so I guess once again I will have to fake it. Writing always seems to help, it is a good distraction and it gives my hands something to do. Last night I had a bit of an anxiety attacked but was helped by my boyfriend. I have been out sick for the past week, so when I finally got to school I heard plenty of jokes about me going to a "crazy house" because I had tried to kill myself. People are so insensative these days and it sucks. Well that is my update I guess, sorry for the random posts, writing everything out helps a ton<3
Ali

So ya, I've never really done anything like this before. Not even really sure what I am supposed to do here if I'm even supposed to do anything... Kindof just entertaining my bored mind and I'm fairly interesting in psychology and stuff. Generally I've been described as "troubled" but meh, I guess I'll just ramble on..

Today was a rough day. They are changing my counselor again. I have had some really good ones in the past. Yyvone was from Germany. She was my first counselor. She was great, smart, and funny. Her husband was being stationed overseas and she was going to join him.

My next counselor was Dru. She was so helpful. She helped me rediscover my self-worth. I still need constant reminders of this. She saw my transformation from, how shall I say this. From being very conservative in dress to the extreme, according to some, of piercings, tattoos, (I have a lovely tramp stamp of a butterfly) and lots of makeup. But not gothic, or emo, but as some in my church have expressed, a prostitute. She was promoted.

Batting in third place was a counselor whose name I do not remember. She was new, a novice as far as I was concerned and I only say her for 2 appointments.

Then came Katie. She was amazing. I loved her. She helped me accept my sexuality. I am a Lesbian, and I say that proudly. My church has abandoned me. I can come to services but they have revoked my membership. I am torn by this. My guilt over this has led to my cutting often. I know what the bible says and I am going against it.

Katie also was promoted, but along the way she had 2 children and during the time she was gone I saw Lisa.

Next week I will be seeing Michelle... I'll get back to you later on this one...

I've accomplished what I wanted to accomplish in this area; the area Im living right now; I must work with the universe and see what happens. all things take money; so; I must work with God the universe on this.
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I think its time to move. Ive not accomplished all things; but Ive gotten a taste of those things very close and accomplished bits of what I wanted to accomplish. The goal is new thoughts and starting a new life.
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Im stuck here I think; I don't think I can go further; we will see if the universe allows me to go further. I have to dig into it; keep working at it. Im looking for independence.
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As usual; I have no plans; I dont know where to go or whY
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Independence sounds hard. So; I don't know; lots of thoughts I want out of my head. I want them blocked with more powerful thoughts of my future and the new future Im looking for. I have to keep working at it. Ive got allot of horror to work through.
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I would love to move someplace new....
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However, I understand people; and no matter where I go; if I don't change; I end up with the same kind of people. and the same kind of life style.
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Im ok if someone pays for my life; I don't do well if I have to earned the money myself; it doesn’t happen; I fall into the abyss and never come out.
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Im to immature; thats what therapists and job specialists have told me.
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My past and money; its a strange situations; ill talk about it; I should talk about it more; I was spoiled or ruined; but not the way one would think. I was in a cocoon because of neglect/abandenment and stayed in that cocoon while others took care of me and took advantage of me. I was more kidnapped then anything else.
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I had dissociative disorder breading through my life; so, more n more, I was in a day dream world; when this occurred, bullies showed up to take advantage; take over.
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The point is; Ive got bad memories! I never worked; but I was 2 broken and broken hearted and to mentally ill from trauma to function; no relationships no work; nothing. I did not want to live anymore; everything I loved and hoped for was stolen from me. destroyed. all things. Everything. My life was destroyed as much as possible by the psychopaths. I watched other members I lived with turn into sociopaths/sadistic; and soon they would turn on me and attempt to bully me from then on.
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Some of the people I lived with had money; I didnt! well; I was being taken care of; food, clothing, car; but I was not home mentally; no mind; no brain; my life was ruined; I didnt much care what happened to me or where I ended up. I had nowhere. and I didnt care what was given to me because the people giving also raped me and other things; so; I really didnt want to live with them or receive anything from them; I just wanted to go home; but their was no home or parents or dreams anymore; all was gone.
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So; I was never able to function because I was always trying to make up for the past years that never got developed; I was trying to be a 7 year old when I was 11 because my younger life was stolen; all I wanted was to go back home or start my life over from this nightmare; I never thought about jobs or work or money; I just wanted a life. I cared nothing about schools or grades or talents or anything. All of that had been broken out of me; and lots of it from the school system; from the system trying to turn me into a bad kid; to the system not responding to my problems when they knew I had problems. I was not a middle class kid or a rich kid; they knew I had no father; and at that point; they could do anything to me. I flunked out most of the time; I never intended for that; when very young; I assumed I would be a strait A student and have a long lasting important career.

I just wanted to go home; but their was no home; and that broke me completely to a level beyond; so did rape. and other things;
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With CPTSD; I was never able to think; what do I want t...

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