Jan 5, 2009
and thats the rest of the story

Current mood:angry
12/26/08 Today was a very emotional day. First it was Tyler's grandmother's funeral. I haven't stepped foot in a room with a corpse in at least 10 years, I've never been able to handle being so close to something so lifeless. But I didn't want to be left alone in the hallway so I went against my fear. The entire time it was hard to breathe and my legs kept shaking and I even got dizzy for a few minutes. I was frozen in one spot most of the time staring at her body. She looked so beautiful and peaceful laying there that I almost felt stupid for being scared but I couldn't help it. I expected Tyler to pretend like everything was ok, that her death wouldn't phase him, at least on the outside. But that wasn't the case, he broke down and it was so good to see that he has a heart. But I felt terrible, I wished I could understand what he was going through but I feel no emotion whatsoever when it comes to death. It was heartbreaking to see him so crushed and I couldn't do anything to help the pain go away. Well after that me and Tyler finally had a few stolen moments of privacy together. I thought the day could only get better. I went to work and of course we were dead so I didn't make much at all but I had time to read and socialize which is even better than making money. Well Tyler picked me up at 11 and I was ready to go smoke, relax and go to bed but of course he had to drive up in an ill mood. I understand his anger to an extent but sometimes it's just uncalled for and downright mean and hurtful. I know he's hurting about his grandma and now his aunt died today as well but still that doesn't mean he has to take it out on me and tiny. First he gets angry cause we can't smoke in the house anymore, now we can't smoke in front or back of the house either. And I had a long goddamn day at work and he's been smoking MY pot and MY cigarettes eating food that I bought and sitting around the house doing nothing when dishes need to be done and trash needs to be picked up and laundry needs to be washed but no one ever offers to do anything but me. So I get off work and he purposely keeps making excuses and pretending like he's actually going to follow his other grandmother's rules for once just so me and tiny cant smoke. I guess he wants us to be as miserable as he is. 12/27/08 Well we finally had it out and he finally opened up and told me what was wrong and he even apologized for his actions in past and future. It's such an improvement in the last month. So of course all my anger was melted away by his loving gaze. I can't believe I've been denying him all these years. But then again I was a strange child back then. I've decided that I've been blind most of my life, and that at some point I woke up and finally started noticing rays of sunshine in my own web of darkness. I guess this change in consciousness went unnoticed since I am just realizing it. But most of my life I expected only the bad to occur so I never noticed anything good that had happened so each bad thing would shift me further into my never ending blindness. I would push people away because I expect it to happen anyways. I love my random spurs of great realization. 12/30/08 2:31 am The boys and I went on another Monday road trip tonight. We almost thought we wouldn't be able to go but we came up with the money at the last minute. Well we didn't make it to jacks like we planned but we did end up at the local party house there. Of course Tyler got drunk, I drank a little but I just can't sling back shots like I used to. We all had a foosball war and amazingly enough I did very well for my first time playing it. It was a lot of fun but since I have to work a double shift today, we had to come home. Well we HAD enough gas to make it home and to and from work today BUT we got lost on a straight road…….SOBER……can you believe that. So we went and hour and a half out of our way. We left at 10 and should have made it home...

[ Continued ]

Dec 25, 2008
to my family of strangers

Current mood:creative
so i started these blogs to finally release the lies ive weaved into my mind and others. i didnt expect anyone to read them but i knew becoming public with how ive lived and the thoughts of torment would help me release myself from the mask i have worn for so long. basically im putting myself through self therapy. its been working very well. ive learned to hold back the voices, block my "what if moments" at least most of the time, ive learned to teach myself how to love myself and to learn how and why others can love me to. ive dealt with my anger and ive found something that helps block the fears i feel. i still have my psychotic moments but im much better than i used to be. i truly believe im on the right path, im a little off schedule but still made it back to the trail all together. this is going out to my family.... i know ive done terrible things in the past and most of you had given up on me......but ive owned up to the things ive done and i took responsibility for myself. i have been doing very well for myself for awhile now and all i want is some acceptance somewhere. i know i still do some things that you wouldnt approve of but i but the good intentions are still there. but the point is im done hiding. im not a badass, im not a screwup. im just a scared little girl whos tired of being scared. and pot helps me break through the fear, learn to trust, and even relearn how to smile again. im not a fiend, i know i dont need it but it help. but ive done nothing but smoke pot and cigarettes and nothing else......no more acid, coke, pills, and no more getting drunk. i think thats pretty good. and i have a job working at two different locations so i basically have two jobs. i support myself instead of relying on my parents. and i havent cut in over a year. im actually happy for once and all i ask is will you accept me and take the good with the bad? im willing to come to a truce if you are?

Dec 20, 2008
more fears of life.

Current mood:anxious
so once again i allow fear to run my life. its always something stupid too. i got strep and i broke my phone so i couldn't call into work at sbarros. well i'm better now but i was too afraid to show up or call in in case i already missed a day of work and i just don't want to hear them tell me i'm fired so i come up with saying that i meant to quit when i didn't really mean to at all. so i came up with a scenario.....i saw myself walk into the mall and seeing my bosses and telling them i want my last check and i would be brave and not freak out and start figiting and stuttering. but each time i saw myself go up to the door and then chicken out and run away cause i know the moment i walk through that door i'm going to accidentally make eye contact with someone and i'm going to hear them thinking about how terrible i am and then i'm going to start blubbering out a reply to there thought about how i'm not that bad and it was by complete accident that i quit and then they would just look at me like i'm crazy, then i would run out of there and never be able to show my face there again for fear that they would recognize me and the angry thoughts will start flowing. i just cant handle it. well I've thought through all the scenarios many times throughout the past few days and i finally decided i'm a ######6 pussy and i need to just stop being a dumb ass and just go up there. but then Tyler and tiny came home and they told me they talked to my boss there and that he understands and he will give me some hours when i get better. i didn't ask them to do that for me so i feel extremely loved lol. so thats one of my most recent fears but theres more.....there always is. but those will be told another time when i have the time to tell them.

Nov 28, 2008
bad drugs with good memories

Current mood:ashamed
so everybody knows im always messed up. what started out as wanting to look cool turned into an addiction. its a love hate relationship. i dont smoke cigarrettes cause i think their cool, in fact i think your a dumbass if you start smoking. i get out of breath to easily and im always coughing and it still burns my throat after all these years but i cant seem to live without them. i used to smoke pot cause i thought it was cool, but now im back into the old times, smoking it every day, im not for sure if ive been sober that much lately. i tend to depend on it to distract myself from the worries of everyday life. i used to love drinking my problems away but if you put a bottle of alcohol in front of me ill never let it go until its gone or until i pass out. i loved acid. i stole to make sure i was able to tripp everyday. it too started out wanting to look cool and i turned it into an addiction. i always thought i was strong but im obviously weak willed. i tend to do this alot......its another one of my oh so familiar cycles. ill tell myself i hate drugs so i quit for a little while until they are put in front of me again and the addiction starts up again. im a hypocrite, i tell people to stay away from drugs and i still do them. and knowing my weak self ill still be doing them years down the road. maybe one day ill have the strength. but thats an addict for you ill keep telling everyone that ill quit one day and that one day never comes or if it does then itll come to late. one day i would like to prove everyone wrong and actually do something right for once. finish college, get my degree, become a psychologist, maybe settle down and have children. but i just cant stay in one place to long. if only if only the woodpecker cried........

Nov 28, 2008
dont give an insomniac an energy drink and a laptop!!

Current mood:artistic

and so im back here only a few hours later listening to the sirens playing like a soft melody in the background. so now my thoughts have gone on to relationship patterns. i noticed i do the same thing over and over again in each relationship. ill meet them and im immediately all over them, so i get into bed fast, and we make plans for the future before we even get to know eachother so by the time we realize we arent compatable its too late to back out because of all the plans we made, so one or both of us end up miserable and eventually have a nasty break up. and ill feel completely alone. ill make the same pact i always make with myself. which is ill swear off dating for at least a few months and clear my head but a few days later im with someone else folowing the same pattern. am i subconsciously doing this to myself on purpose because i secretly think i dont deserve happiness or is this some really bad luck. its obvious that im afraid to be alone but i already spoke of my fears. i had a really bad commitment problem a few years ago, and i feel terrible for all the guys i dated at that time. i would date someone and for a week be completely obsessed with them make all these plans then i would start to pick out their faults. you could be completely perfect and i would find something wrong with you that would gross me out so no guy ever got to the 2 week point with me. but i finally realized why i was doing that and i worked through it. ive now gone 6 months with 2 different guys so im doing good on that but still, why didint it work with those guys. did i just choose assholes or was it me. i always did have a thing for bad boys. well i know i used to be clingy but now im the coolest girlfriend ever. you could ###$ other people and i wouldnt give a $#%^ as long as you were honest with me about, yea it probably would hurt but ive been hurt alot so ive learned to push it aside and forget about it. you can do basically whatever you want as long as im not physically hurt. but knowing me that would be another mask that i have. another thread to unravel. thats all ive ever been, a puzzle with half the peices missing so you have to imagine what the whole picture looks like but its never quite the same. im slowly finding the missing peices, and im getting a better idea of what the original picture is. i cant wait till the day that i have finally figured out the true me. where would i be if i had nothing more to contemplate about? its my whole lifes work to find myself that i might go insane if i finally found the answer. well i got off track but i was basically saying that the dating department needs to change. i need to rely more on myself than i do others. i should be glad im alone cause then i wouldnt be distracted from my thoughts and i would be able to work out my own issues faster. but im a hypocryte (no clue how its spelled), because ill never take my own advice, i always end up in the same old cycles. but here i go again dwelling on the negative. i should be hopeful that ill learn along the way of what im doing wrong and fix it. but then again if you dont like me for me then you dont deserve to be with me. well im obviously going to be up all night. and we are out of blunts thankfully i have a pack of ciggarettes to keep me company in my dark solace of boredom.