Nov 16, 2008
fear

Current mood:anxious
so complex is the human mind and yet we take it for granted every day. i have been going through my life without actually living it.....why? because of fear. what is it that creates fear and do we really need it? I'm not for sure what would be worse for me living with it or without. this is daily life for me: wake up afraid of of the biting cold that is outside of my warm blankets knowing that once i get out its too late to go back under, the sheets have already cooled. i walk around the house afraid to take a shower because the spiders are surely going to crawl out of the drain, the cracks, the folds of the washcloth i am about to use, and they would crawl all over my naked skin and i wouldnt be able to do anything. i hold in the need to pee for fear that someone is behind the curtain of the shower or in the closet or out the window watching me si i look there to make sure and if i forget to look then the entire time im rocking back and forth freaking out thinking of whether i would want to know if they were there or not. and i decide that its too late, they saw me pee and if i find them there then surely it would br awkward between us for the rest of our lives so i pretend they arent there when i know somewhere inside of me that there was no one to begin with but my mind will never fully realize that. i finally take a shower after putting it off long enough and the entire time i believe i hear the bathroom door open even if i know i locked it so i will peek my head out to make sure and then feel that someone is behind me so i make sure i keep my back in a corner the whole shower. i dry off with my back in the same corner while keeping watch on the entire bathroom to make sure that im not just looking over the person hiding in there even though there is nowhere for them to hide. i run to my room and search my room to make sure no one is in there either. then i get dressed feeling someones eyes on me the entire time so my mind races and comes up with an entire storyline of who is watching me, why they are there and how i react to finding out that i wasnt crazy that there was someone there all along. and for a moment its really happening, my storyline became true right before my very eyes and then i realize its another crazy mirage and i shake myself out of it. i wont even let an animal see me naked usually. i walk around the house avoiding everyones eyes thinking that the moment i lock eyes with someone they would be able to read my thoughts and realize im crazy or hear an embarrassing thought that would never let us be the same around eachother again. so i create another storyline for who hears my thoughts, what thoughts they would be and how we react to it and once again im living it until i shake myself out of it again for fear that they would hear the thoughts about them reading my thoughts which are somehow worse. so i try to drown out my own thoughts by watching t.v., reading a book, listening to music, or hanging out with people. so then im afraid the entire time that the thoughts would come back which is a thought itself so therefore it didnt work. im afraid to step out of the house thinking ill slip and hit my head on the front walk, illcrash my car or run out of gas and get raped or beaten.....a thousand different scenarios run through my head at the thought of going outside. so i try to face my fear and go anyways, so then it goes to driving fears, ill get pulled over and get arrested for something that probably isnt even illegal but my mind doesnt know that. ill run off a bridge and plunge into the water below and drown because i couldnt get out of my seatbelt in time, i can already feel the pressure of the water upon me and i am now lost forever never to be found again in the inky blackness. a road sign will fall upon me and the car and i can already see th swerving and the cussing as i try to avoid it and everyone around me doing the same....some succeed, some dont, and im one of the unlucky ones. so i get to somewhere public and i take over the minds of others and see me as they see me, think of me as they think of me and so we become one for the moment and......wait.....did they just hear my thoughts...oh god they think im crazy, run before thry realize who you are, go hide just go home and be alone where no one can see you or hear your thoughts again.....NO dont be alone, if im alone i wont be able to control it and the thoughts will come pouring by the hundreds, i need more noise, more distraction. so then it goes back and forth betwenn my mind is the destruction of others so save them and go home do not bother them again with your insanity to no stay here distract yourself longer....oh $#%^ ive been quiet too long they think im a freak now......speak, say something smart or funny but what to say.....no just shut up they will just think your dumb and laugh at you. dont bring any unneccessary attention your way, but i want them to like me, your annoying shut up, no one likes you they just pretend to like you so they can laugh at you behind your back.......even kitty? yes even kitty. she has been doing this for years your just too good to laugh at that it never gets old just do everyone a favor and go somewhere far away where no one knows you and you can get a fresh start but no your too afraid. so i slink off all the while with a plastered fake smile on my face that makes people think im happy, hell i convince myself im happy but im never happy. im so unhappy that my mind distorts my good memories to where they seem fake, nothing is real anymore and life was just a dream. i often have to ask myself on whether i dreamed something or if it really happened. i have no sense of what reality is. and so once again i am alone with my thoughts. well skipping to the end.....im afraid to go to bed because spiders or other nasty bugs will crawl into the crevices of my own body and do goddess knows what, and what if i dont wake up, but the worst bedtime fear isnt the fear of not waking up, but the fear of waking up and dealing with it all over again so i stress myself so much that i cant sleep. my body becomes numb and im alone with the darkness.....then everything goes quiet, i become highly alert. and my thoughts become numb....but only for a few seconds, the most blissful few seconds of my life. and then the fear creeps up. oh no the wall came down, i cant hold the voices back any longer. what are they saying? what do they want? am i the only one living like this? who would understand enough to not run away if i told anyone the truth? DIE VOICES DIE, JUST GO AWAY LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! and so they stop and for one second i have hope that they are gone for good and then someone whispers in my ear, i never remember what they say except for random passing voices. sometimes i recognize them sometimes i dont. and so it goes on util my mind eventually goes numb and then.......sleeps. and i rest peacefully, lost in my dreams, no voices no thoughts, and most of the time.....no fear. im normal it finally happened IM NORMAL!!!!!!! and then i awake with a smile on my face to realize it was a dream and so i sleep again returning to the nonchaos. so some say im lazy, some say i just stay up too late but i dont care, i dream on and whisper i was just afraid. so i plan to sleep forever but the more i sleep the less time in between each awakening and the weaker i feel to the point that i couldnt get up if i tried and then i cant sleep. oh no my sweet normalcy. ive abused the happiness you bring and so i will not be able to return for longer, and so i will not be able to sleep for days and i bury myself deeper and deeper inside myself to hide my growing insanity until the moment i will be able to return to the quiet of my slumber. but i have yet to speak of the worst fear of all, the one that holds me back more than anything. im afraid to feel the emotions that i had left dormant in me for so long. and the one im afraid of the most is love. someone awoke it in me once before and i was ruled by it. my every action and thought was ruled by it. but all i saw was the evil it could bring. it has been awaked again and i know i should not be afraid any longer. i should allow myself to feel. who cares if im afraid, do it anyways, dont think twice or else you will create a battle between yourselves again. be free. break the chains holding the mask in place and leave only what once was.......me, the real me.......but do i even know what me was anymore? and how do i find this me? where is it? i want to live.....................but alas i am afraid. and so i give you the not so brief story of my life. it took alot of courage to finally tell the full truth. what will you think. will you even read such a long blog as this. please just dont run, dont prove my mind right for once because it just made a bet that you will never want to see me again after knowing my inner demons.