Nov 28, 2008
dont give an insomniac an energy drink and a laptop!!

Current mood:artistic

and so im back here only a few hours later listening to the sirens playing like a soft melody in the background. so now my thoughts have gone on to relationship patterns. i noticed i do the same thing over and over again in each relationship. ill meet them and im immediately all over them, so i get into bed fast, and we make plans for the future before we even get to know eachother so by the time we realize we arent compatable its too late to back out because of all the plans we made, so one or both of us end up miserable and eventually have a nasty break up. and ill feel completely alone. ill make the same pact i always make with myself. which is ill swear off dating for at least a few months and clear my head but a few days later im with someone else folowing the same pattern. am i subconsciously doing this to myself on purpose because i secretly think i dont deserve happiness or is this some really bad luck. its obvious that im afraid to be alone but i already spoke of my fears. i had a really bad commitment problem a few years ago, and i feel terrible for all the guys i dated at that time. i would date someone and for a week be completely obsessed with them make all these plans then i would start to pick out their faults. you could be completely perfect and i would find something wrong with you that would gross me out so no guy ever got to the 2 week point with me. but i finally realized why i was doing that and i worked through it. ive now gone 6 months with 2 different guys so im doing good on that but still, why didint it work with those guys. did i just choose assholes or was it me. i always did have a thing for bad boys. well i know i used to be clingy but now im the coolest girlfriend ever. you could ###$ other people and i wouldnt give a $#%^ as long as you were honest with me about, yea it probably would hurt but ive been hurt alot so ive learned to push it aside and forget about it. you can do basically whatever you want as long as im not physically hurt. but knowing me that would be another mask that i have. another thread to unravel. thats all ive ever been, a puzzle with half the peices missing so you have to imagine what the whole picture looks like but its never quite the same. im slowly finding the missing peices, and im getting a better idea of what the original picture is. i cant wait till the day that i have finally figured out the true me. where would i be if i had nothing more to contemplate about? its my whole lifes work to find myself that i might go insane if i finally found the answer. well i got off track but i was basically saying that the dating department needs to change. i need to rely more on myself than i do others. i should be glad im alone cause then i wouldnt be distracted from my thoughts and i would be able to work out my own issues faster. but im a hypocryte (no clue how its spelled), because ill never take my own advice, i always end up in the same old cycles. but here i go again dwelling on the negative. i should be hopeful that ill learn along the way of what im doing wrong and fix it. but then again if you dont like me for me then you dont deserve to be with me. well im obviously going to be up all night. and we are out of blunts thankfully i have a pack of ciggarettes to keep me company in my dark solace of boredom.