Sat 10.10.15
Slept - Don't know. If sleep at 10, woke up at 4:30, then 6-6.5h.
Bloat and overeat night before.
Self-hate, self-loathing.
Binge idea: need only two things, relatively easy two things, no willpower...
1. Tell that hard emotional state; 2. Don't go home - go to a restaurant, have a set dinner, then go home only to lie in bed till morning.
In other words, only eat at home when feel up to eating properly.
If can't go to restaurant because of hour, wait it out in cafe, while doing work... Or, in "cave" at school.
In other words, home eating is privilege available to sober self. Sort of can't drive (eat at home) if drunk.
No Home Eating Under the Influence.
Bright-line rules: only at table
only eat when eat
stay out when can't take life anymore - tired or upset, esp risk days
Get treats - org burger, cake, chicken wok, deli/self non-stop, mussels-fries
BASICS eating style
Nothing else matters, as when good, all's well
Gym-pilates-yoga
Brkfst - nada
Lunch - raw, butter, salmon 50g, peanuts, apple
Stop ok. Was good.
Dinner - 2 SSUp eggs, peanuts, raw, patidoux
What horror: worst binge in days, prbbly.
On the day on which the above bright line rules were laid down... And on the day on which, in the morning, I threw away the choclte in the mailbox, as found it chemical.
Don't know anymore at what point, but to the point of being in bed and falling asleep, I was still grazing on the very last bits, and didn't brush my teeth. Not brushing happens once in a blue moon, and is an extreme indication of how far gone I am.
Had a bag of peanuts and a bag of almonds, about 500g all in all, simply gargantuan, and some half bag of dried appricots. No more dried fruit for a while, at least.
Hey, victory - didn't open other peanut bag... So this barrier means sth.
What's going on?
Am I paying the price of wishing to change a world that won't be changed, as with management, as with students, as with friends? That's an interesting lead. Whatever, clearly at a low, at rock bottom. So is that a light and is it the end of the tunnel. Yes, gallows. I can only stand back and wait and see for things to clear up a touch. Boy, speaking of woods.
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Fri 9.10.15
Slept - 5.5h
Morning not so bla, as, though binge last night, still lots of raw and, mostly, little during day.
But need to stop.
God, what agitation. Has to do with burst of anger. Perhaps also food intake contributes.
Resulting drainage. So drained, and so hard to face the day.
CAF
Expct Brkfst - nada
Snack: fruit, bread 100g
Lunch - 3 SSUp eggs, string beans-butter, then fruit and raw on
Dinner - a binge: huge bowl of bean-pasta-herb-onion salad, fruit, nuts, dried fruit, patidoux, 4 sqrs choc,
Basically, ate all day, whenever could.
Got back so dead after long, tired day, and after CAF at gym, that just lay down, surfed and ate. Recipe for binge.
All this well-known, but don't know way
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Th 8.10.15
Slept - 6.5h
Feel horrid.
Post-binge bla.
So, tiredness, leisure put me in danger, but also hunger. Yesterday seemed great, as hunger does feel nice, but, when back, in the presence of food... What can be done, as restaurants closed? Must prep meal beforehand... Have a bite after gym and before meeting brothers... An issue. But there's a solution. Was hungry, and craved meat. Interesting. Need to prep meal and sit down to it as soon as back, and have it in a mindful way.
Nobody wants me / needs me spewing negativity and anger. If can't any better, leave it alone.
Same self? If negativity, run away from self?...
So tired of all this. What can be done? How can save? How can be saved?
Yesterday, was arrogant and hateful, in my heart, towards coach, as overweight.
Must be a reparations process. Asking for forgiveness. A prayer. Say, in a church, every time I catch myself being that.
In any case, clearly distracted. Clearly forcing on people. Forcing on people as can't on self. The usual story. Be selfish. Think only of self...
Sight of food so hateful.
It's like my eating ice cream. Eat it though not really into it.
Wait. It's a low. Wait. Don't spiral.
Tomorrow will be way better. Tonight will be better. By noon will be better. As soon as go to the bthrm will be better.
What can help?
That mail to JR, where spoke of happiness, now looks like a boast to me.
Should be very careful of what dripping there.
What dripping anywhere.
yoga
Brkfst - nada
Lunch - nada
Dinner - salmon, raw
Was good and enough.
But, then, binge: dried fruit, nuts, raw - way over.
Angry the whole evening, burst out against student.
Anger stayed with me.
Of course, consolation at end of day. Disappointed with gym that night, and more, perhaps.
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Wed 7.10.15
Slept - 5h
Gym-stretch
Brkfst - 2 SSUp eggs, olives, water-braised string beans with butter,
Delish.
Good stop.
Feel a touch of bloat, or rather Belly Belt. Great. Has to do with recent overeating?
Lunch - nada, as gym + meeting
1 glass of white wine
snack: Patidoux, then nuts, dried fruit, raw
Ate on and on, as hungry, and ate while cooking and listening
Dinner - baked potatoes, raw, baked cauliflower?, 2 SSUp eggs,
Soon enough, binge.
As soon as eat while listening, doing...
nuts, dried fruit, raw, 8 sqrs choc, comte - really stuff as not in a long time
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Th 8.10.15
The following is today's entry in my diary.
It's the third day in a row, or so, that I've binged.
I seem "to know" quite a bit about my tendency to binge, and, yet, keep binging.
Sometimes feel better, but then fall off wagon.
What can do?
Noticed negativity in recent days.
How can get out of rut?
There seems to be a need to let go of other things and only concentrate on binging. On the other hand, isn't the focus itself an issue?
Confused.
Need help, that's for sure, but don't trust therapists.
Anyway, ongoing journey from now on posted here.
Sort of hiding on the net.
Confused.
Slept - 6.5h
Feel horrid.
Post-binge bla.
So, tiredness, leisure put me in danger, but also hunger. Yesterday seemed great, as hunger does feel nice, but, when back, in the presence of food... What can be done, as restaurants closed? Must prep meal beforehand... Have a bite after gym and before meeting brothers... An issue. But there's a solution. Was hungry, and craved meat. Interesting. Need to prep meal and sit down to it as soon as back, and have it in a mindful way.
Hope yoga
Expct Brkfst - nada
Expct Lunch - nada
Expct dinner - salmon, raw, butter