Sat 10.10.15
Slept - Don't know. If sleep at 10, woke up at 4:30, then 6-6.5h.
Bloat and overeat night before.
Self-hate, self-loathing.
Binge idea: need only two things, relatively easy two things, no willpower...
1. Tell that hard emotional state; 2. Don't go home - go to a restaurant, have a set dinner, then go home only to lie in bed till morning.
In other words, only eat at home when feel up to eating properly.
If can't go to restaurant because of hour, wait it out in cafe, while doing work... Or, in "cave" at school.
In other words, home eating is privilege available to sober self. Sort of can't drive (eat at home) if drunk.
No Home Eating Under the Influence.
Bright-line rules: only at table
only eat when eat
stay out when can't take life anymore - tired or upset, esp risk days
Get treats - org burger, cake, chicken wok, deli/self non-stop, mussels-fries
BASICS eating style
Nothing else matters, as when good, all's well
Gym-pilates-yoga
Brkfst - nada
Lunch - raw, butter, salmon 50g, peanuts, apple
Stop ok. Was good.
Dinner - 2 SSUp eggs, peanuts, raw, patidoux
What horror: worst binge in days, prbbly.
On the day on which the above bright line rules were laid down... And on the day on which, in the morning, I threw away the choclte in the mailbox, as found it chemical.
Don't know anymore at what point, but to the point of being in bed and falling asleep, I was still grazing on the very last bits, and didn't brush my teeth. Not brushing happens once in a blue moon, and is an extreme indication of how far gone I am.
Had a bag of peanuts and a bag of almonds, about 500g all in all, simply gargantuan, and some half bag of dried appricots. No more dried fruit for a while, at least.
Hey, victory - didn't open other peanut bag... So this barrier means sth.
What's going on?
Am I paying the price of wishing to change a world that won't be changed, as with management, as with students, as with friends? That's an interesting lead. Whatever, clearly at a low, at rock bottom. So is that a light and is it the end of the tunnel. Yes, gallows. I can only stand back and wait and see for things to clear up a touch. Boy, speaking of woods.
********************************************************