Also had 50g salmon during first, OK part of meal.

Feel like should check myself into nearest mental ward.

Feel need to hide and pray.

Also had goat cheese, standing.
Whole thing took place away from table and while surfing.

Clearly, feel very low about self, and self-destructive.
Putting words on it, all these supposedly sophisticated terms, only makes it worse.

Hope to just lie low and stick to sth reasonable, no crowing, no excessive humbling, for some time.
God.
Help.

Mon 12.10.15
Slept - Woke up 4, prbbly fell asleep 9:30, so 6.5h
Feel very refreshed. What joy.
Hope CAF-stretch
Expct Brkfst - 2 SSUp eggs, butter, avocado, raw, 2 slices
Very good.
Stopped OK. OK is enough. Only terrible is a problem.
OK is happiness.
Lunch - eat out with colleague.
Horrid 'riosto' and veg.
Made me burp and fart till evening.
Expct dinner - raw, bone marrow, butter, olives...
Was quite good.
Then, binge.
Series of apples and carrots.
A whole 300g Prince biscuit packet.
Where am I going to hide?
********************************************************

Sun 11.10.15
Woke up to hate, of course. Expected to see a monster in mirror, but seemed human. The monster, the swollen cheeks, will take a day to show up, prbbly.
The house is and feels strewn with crumbs and packaging and a mess. How humiliating it all feels.
My journey is back to square one.
Slept - 7.5h
Walk town
Expct Brkfst - nada
Expct Lunch - beef, Brussels sprouts, 3 slices-butter-comte
Delish. Beef nice and cheap, pleased. Just add fat, always works.
Feel better.
Yet, tired. Undoubtedly, digestion. Indeed, farts.
Boy, does bingeing tax.
One thought recurs, and I feel it's a lead.
My feelings jerk me around. Two poor answers: one, manage with reason - essentially, oppose, don't work for me, not when the expletive hits the fan. Another, run away - distract, substitute, etc. For one thing, doesn't work for me, for another, not a solution, but a band-aid. Could definitely use a band-aid if it worked thoroughly, but, at this point, nope.
The binge, of course, is nothing but a run away, an esp destructive one.
Anything else? Of course, hang around with the feelings...
It is said that the French flippantly say that the best way to deal with temptation is to give in.
Have known this for long. But only upstairs, not in body, not in blood and bones, not in flesh and action.
And being able to pull this off would mean not only getting rid of binges, but plenty of growth, as see life and myself as are. My guess: not as bad as fear.
Have often expressed this to myself as 'bring it on', and a looking forward to the doldrums. But as soon as it hits, run away, which seems to be an ingrained circuit, which I've been assiduously reinforcing on recent days.
In other words, likely that if manage to break the cycle and hang around with the feelings several times over a period, will be liberated. That's the path I've been trying to find, but keep acting automatically. Need to practice with sensitive moments, such as nights and end of work week, no comfort, no beer, no surfing, just lie in the dark and heed the heart. Perhaps meditate. Experiment.
A related thought: just like we're sinners by constitution, today it occurred to me that we're handicapped by constitution. Kind of the same thing. That pitfall, the arrogance, the addiction, whatever, is not ever going away. I will always limp... Can only hope to learn to live with it. Rhymes with change only from inside, not of outside. And, then, of course, the miracle of the outside changing.
Expct dinner - 2 SSUp eggs, raw, olives, butter, 3 slices
Good.
********************************************************

Oh, yes, of course, forgot.

Yes, has to do with changing world, not myself. Or sth of that order.

"A friend" called out of the blue. Late for me, 9pm-ish.
I never get calls. Here and there, as rare as it happens, I like them. But I can also hate them, as in the case of the above guy, a real nuisance.

He just went on jabbering, being his 'jolly' act. About work, about an old thing we talked about once. Just on and on piling words that add nothing, except his need to talk, never asking / wondering whether I was interested.

I got mad, as I didn't fend him off, as I'm not good at it.
Boy, do I need to learn to recognize feelings, and how to handle situations.
Should have said going to bed or sth.

It was new to me, it's a recent renewal of contact, and forgot what he was like.

Anyway, need to beware the guy, and keep him at arm's length. A walking public nuisance.

And, worst, and what matters here, felt rage as hung up, as took time to get rid of him.
And plunged into food.

So, still, rage, the old issue, is there, no matter how much I smile and cover it up to myself and others. Rage at what feels like unfair hate and rejection around me from peers, rage at superiors who just stay out of trouble, and, while expecting to be heeded, will never stick their necks out for you, which I deem to be their duty.
The imperfections of the world. I keep raging and fulminating at them, knowingly or unawares?!