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debra
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 146
Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2011 9:31 am
Blog: View Blog (23)
Archives
- July 2011
loosing it
   Sat Jul 30, 2011 9:14 pm
nightmares
   Thu Jul 28, 2011 1:30 pm
Still Struggling
   Mon Jul 25, 2011 8:23 am
Tough Week
   Sat Jul 23, 2011 1:13 pm
Honesty
   Tue Jul 19, 2011 7:29 am
Again
   Sun Jul 17, 2011 7:08 pm
Last Night
   Sat Jul 16, 2011 9:21 pm
Good Days
   Fri Jul 15, 2011 12:08 pm
A Good Day turned Bad
   Wed Jul 13, 2011 10:54 am
sleep
   Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:50 am
Feeling Low
   Mon Jul 11, 2011 6:20 am
Doctors
   Sat Jul 09, 2011 1:13 pm
Truth
   Fri Jul 08, 2011 11:15 am
Best Friends
   Thu Jul 07, 2011 9:20 am
Worst Day Ever
   Thu Jul 07, 2011 1:22 am
I KNOW
   Wed Jul 06, 2011 2:01 am
Anxiety
   Tue Jul 05, 2011 5:16 pm
Through the Night
   Sun Jul 03, 2011 9:14 am
missing mom
   Sat Jul 02, 2011 5:05 pm
Sorting it out
   Sat Jul 02, 2011 9:59 am

+ June 2011
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Feeling Low

Permanent Linkby debra on Mon Jul 11, 2011 6:20 am

This is one of the lowest I have ever felt. I am so sad I can't even cry. I am on tons of medication. I guess its keeping me alive right now. I am just sad. I don't even know why I am sad. :(
Last edited by debra on Mon Jul 11, 2011 6:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

1 Comment Viewed 6354 times

Doctors

Permanent Linkby debra on Sat Jul 09, 2011 1:13 pm

I was so so sad. It was worse than ever. I was desprately searching for relief from someone. I went to my counselor's office to see if anyone was available. My counselor is on vacation, but he talked to me on the phone about calming down. Then I drove to the P office because I wanted to get some relief, but she was very busy. I tried to write a note, but I couldn't. So I just sat in my car outside the office. The two people that could help were busy and I was so desprate for help. A lady came up and asked what was wrong. I said nothing, but she started holding my hand. We'll I don't like to be touched, but I didn't have the heart to tell her. She talked to me a little and then I went home. I wrote on the forum earlier and then had a few replies when I got home, which did help, but I was still sad.I just decided to try to go to sleep. I was so so so sad I just wanted to stop living and take my cats with me. I tried to call a few more people, but no one was available. It is so hard to know what to do. I did not want to go into the hospital, which is what a hotline would have told me. So I took some xanax and laid down. I thought for a while how I would do it and just decided on pills. Before I could get up the medicine started working and I fell asleep. I woke up in a few hours and took more xanax, Finally, last night I was able to reach a counselor. She really helped me see that I am ok and will get through this. I was just thinking,I would have been dead this morning because I had no one to help me get a better perspective. No one would have known. Some days are so hard. They are just too sad to handle. I am glad to make it another day. Deb.

1 Comment Viewed 6357 times

Truth

Permanent Linkby debra on Fri Jul 08, 2011 11:15 am

I just wrote down six of my abusers. I look at the list and think how is this possible? i am sure others have had worse, but I mean how is it possible for me. I wanted the perfect little life, but very few times in my life I wasn't being abused by somebody. It was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused. No wonder I feel the way I do about myself. This is a pattern on not setting boundaries and limits. I could have stopped a lot of these things from happening . I can't believe I did all of this. Then I told myself lies about my life. I told myself that everything was the way it needed to be. The truth is I have a big mess to clean up.

1 Comment Viewed 6465 times

Best Friends

Permanent Linkby debra on Thu Jul 07, 2011 9:20 am

I told my two closest friends about my flashbacks. I was so afraid they would think i was strange, but they actually took it very well. One even said you are not making it up. My house mate has noticed that i have changed recently. She said I wasn't functioning well. She is right. I can't sleep and only eat a little each day. I really hope to sleep soon.
However, since I admitted I was abused, a strange peace has come over me. The Bible says "The truth will set you free" and I believe that is what it means. I am free from the torment of an inner struggle. I am free to tell others and I am free to be who I really am. I am a survivor, not a victim. I will be able to move through and past this with lots of help. I know God is providing friends and counselors for me to heal. I just hope that I can use my healing to help others do the same. Thank you to all who read this and are supportive. You are so important to me! love you, Deb 8)

3 Comments Viewed 9158 times

Worst Day Ever

Permanent Linkby debra on Thu Jul 07, 2011 1:22 am

This has been such a horrible day. It started with flashbacks and chats. I am so lost right now. I don't know who i really am, because truth is hitting me in the face and it is ugly.No more perfect life.

2 Comments Viewed 8186 times

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