A few days ago, J said, verbatim, "I need to tell you something but I'm very scared to tell you." I asked what it was, of course. She said she has a boyfriend now, and went into a little paragraph involving "it doesn't change our friendship" and "I'm still here for you no matter what." I know she means it, she's one of the last people on this planet who would ever say that as a hollow statement. But it makes me feel more unneeded.

I know it isn't justified. There's no wrongdoing going on. But she's the only soul in the world who I care about and cares about me in return, not just one or the other, and when she has someone new to love, it undeniably signifies that I become less important.

Come to think of it, I think I still have yet to explain the story about J in it's entirety. Or, have I? Well, if I'm repeating it, so be it, I'm in the mood to write. It started out nearly a year ago (why do I find myself saying "nearly a year ago" so much?), when I registered for a forum site similar to PF in November of last year. I didn't think I'd be a regular there for very long. But on the first day of December, I got a PM from some other user regarding one of my posts. She said she related well to my social isolation. I replied and expressed my gratitude, but I didn't expect what followed. She sent a couple more PM's through the next few days, and I did reply to them, but I was still too awkward about composing messages to her.

It wasn't long before that barrier broke. We became two of a kind. By January, it had become practically blissful. We would PM each other just about every day, sometimes around a dozen times in a row, staying up late just to talk to each other. Among the things I learned about her was that she had a breakup in the summer of that year, but, when we started messaging each other all the time, she got over him in a matter of a month or something like that, and, umm..... how do I put this? We started to talk like we were significant others. But she's from Europe, so it's not as though we can visit each other. In the late spring/early summer of this year, we started to communicate via Facebook. It's much quicker than exchanging PM's several times in a row, and we trusted each other with some of our personal information by then.

Now, in the few more months that it's been, that leads to right now. I feel like a barrier is forming between us once more, and it's a gutwrenching feeling of distance. She deserves it 100%, to love someone who can actually be there in her presence, and I'm not gonna make any attempt to intervene, but now I'm just reflecting on the past: .... nevermind, I'm done.