Today I finally explained everything to J. I found a way to do it without coming off as "you're no longer a friend to me and you never will be again." I got things back in order and it's quite a weight off my shoulders, but it still doesn't feel like the same friendship and I doubt it ever will. But it's better than nothing. There's no one else, no one but a family I went cold on a long, long time ago.

Talking about Christmas would take me back to that 2016 $#%^ too much, I'm not going back there. My posts from last year. Nope.

My brother is going into the Marine Corps. Originally he was bound for the fire department, but changed his mind even though he excelled in training. Initially, he was meant to leave for basic 3 days ago. It's been postponed to March. I'm discontented because I'm looking forward to it. He'll be gone for months, and without him around, I'll get tons of the alone time that I'm just plain insatiable for. But now I have to wait another entire season. He started having some issues with leg pain a few weeks back, I believe that to be the reason.

But, my oh my, what am I to do? I'm not the least bit thrilled to admit it, but I'm about to turn 21 and I haven't even applied for a job once. There's nothing up at a higher tier in my mind, I'm not satisfied and I'm not living this way forever, but ######6 hell, I've yet to break out of recurring bouts of catastrophic depression. You know what, I'm going in the direction of another broken record, tail-chasing 2016 post, I'd better stop now.