I had a friend, online, but still someone under similar circumstances and with a similar outlook on things.

We were connected via that 'Steam' program I mentioned some time ago. Like before, I'll refrain from going into rambling detail about that, since very few, if any reading are likely to be familiar with it.

This individual went by the username "Johnny." It wasn't his real name; I will, of course, keep that a secret to comply with the rules, as well as the sake of morality. Apparently, it was based on a comic book character "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac," something I wasn't familiar with (I just looked it up in a new tab out of curiosity, be wary, it's highly profane). He was 5 years younger than me, a large age gap considering that when we first encountered each other, I was 13, and he was only 8. That was back in Summer of 2010. It was a non-linear game (open world), so communication between players tended to be more generalized than action-oriented. I honestly don't remember exactly why, but he sent me a friend invite, and I accepted it.

Let me tell you a little something about Johnny (Remember, it's not his real name). Like me, he said he didn't have any other 'real' friends, and had a lot of general negativity about life. In school, he was picked on at times. One point of contrast, he was sort of into that style of wearing black clothing and such, though not to the point of extremism. As for me, my everyday clothing was, and still is pretty much just a random T-shirt and jeans + jacket if it's cold.

We talked all the time, and some online multiplayer games a lot as well. Most of our conversations were, well, kind of weird. Weird in the fact that they were often very random and tongue-in-cheek. There were plenty of times, though, when we talked about more serious topics. He had sort of a paranoia toward internet privacy, and was very tentative about sharing personal information. We spoke about our daily lives, and it didn't take long for us to understand that we were in a pretty similar boat. He did mention that the age difference between us was kind of weird, as aforementioned, he was 5 years younger. I agree that it was odd, but it really didn't make a difference to me. For once in my life, I had the opportunity to convey some of my real feelings without any barriers getting in the way.

This all came to an unfortunate end when in 2014, after 4 years, he made the decision to remove me from his friends list. In the final weeks that led up to that moment, he told me about how he felt that he was turning his life around, not the wording he used, but you get the drift. Two points I brought up not long before then: An impulsive and thoughtless decision to tell him about self-harm I committed, and how I had a "crush on someone," the way I described it at that time (It was before I disclosed to her). He came to the conclusion that he was finally seeing light in a dark tunnel, and my negative outlook was weighing that down, and one day, I found that he wasn't on my friends list anymore. And that was it.

The time that I continued to use Steam just didn't feel the same. Playing online games solo just felt kind of empty. I quit in July, and most likely will never return. I really do miss those times.

Nothing to see here, honestly.





I need to let go of my interest in the opposite sex. Spare myself the embarrassment. I can only shudder at the thought of me "approaching" women. No doubt I'd be overwhelmed by anxiety and get stuck in my own words. My brain would surely think of it as just the right time to slow its speech processing down almost to a stop anyway, cause that's just what happens. And BPD relationship problems... oh, don't even let me go there. I've had some devaluing thoughts about K, fortunately I'm not able to express them to her, or speak to her at all, but it seems a rather shiny red sign of BPD. I don't see any sensible reason for me to want to be so reliant on someone anyway, I mean it's just our nature as biological organisms, nothing more.

**TW**

They didn't pester me the day before. I was sitting there anticipating it - my dad came in and said "We've gotta leave in 10 minutes," he walked out, and I just bluntly said "I'm not going anywhere." A moment of silence, and he says "______ worked hard to cook this stuff," (The person my uncle lives with now, his wife died from cancer a few years ago), and I responded "Well you can go out and have a good time, I don't want it (To go there)." He came back in saying "I didn't hear you over the TV, what did you say?" I just said "nevermind." My brother didn't say anything during this process, and after a few minutes of 'packing up,' they left.

TW over. They were gone from about 11:30 to 3:30-ish. Those two, my uncle and the woman he lives with, they're very extroverted. My dad and brother are introverted like me, maybe not as much as me, but none of us want to be out for that long. Especially me, whenever we visit a relative, my brother and I exchange few words and I just kind of sit there bored. Just like........you know......school. He spends most of the time on his phone, I don't bother bringing mine because I have hardly any use for it. And lately it became veeeeerrryyyy slow on the internet for some reason.

This isn't who I want to be, it's who I'm left without choice to be.

I feel like nothing better than crap and I'm not doing anything for this stupid thanksgiving #######4 tomorrow.

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT MY FAMILY THINKS OF IT!

I'm not forcing myself out of the house for something that means nothing to me and is of absolutely no interest at all. What's gonna happen, are they gonna do what my mom did and threaten to call the police on me for refusing to go do some stupid $#%^? She did that, and it happened twice before, but that was for, oh hell, ######6 SOUL DEPLETING LIFELESS SCHOOL! I hated it so much I don't even want to talk about it. They can't do that for a simple holiday though, so for that, I'm set.

And they can't help me either, because I am my own problem. I don't act against my problems. Nothing ever physically prevented me from accomplishing things, or just living a life that's more like normal rather than a life of doing hardly anything at all. The decisions that we, ourselves make, is what it all comes down to, anything anyone else says or does is secondary.

But it would be completely ridiculous for me to blame myself for being so screwed up. And as such, I don't.

And you know why I hate holidays? Because others' happiness does NOT bring me even the slightest amount of joy. Instead, it makes me even more alone in my $#%^ life. "Look at all those people so satisfied with things the way they are. Meanwhile your life sucks. How does that make you feel? You have no company in your suffering. None of them feel this way."

I wish I could just sleep it away. Go to bed and wake up in 2017. Or just not wake up at all. Or just disappear. I wish I could vanish from existence.

The day before, it happened again. I went to bed and thought about the pointlessness of living, and it felt awful. Now I'm in this state, again, where I shift between being mildly optimistic, feeling as if ending it all is the only reasonable thing to do, and in between the two, some sort of lack of concern.

Yesterday, I started on something I've been thinking about for several months. I took a 1 subject notebook and started writing my own eulogy, so to speak. Except it wasn't like "He was a caring individual who touched many lives, he never had an unkind word to speak of anyone," no, I wrote down some of the things I've wanted my family to know the most (And perhaps some others I've been in contact with in the past as well), but would probably be put in useless hospitalization again if I told them. Where they would ask me the daily questions like "Do you feel like you can be safe at home?" and I would of course lie my way out and say "yes," much the same way I did on the 3 times I was there before. And I did it because regardless of my life circumstances, I am independent as a human being.

The first sentence I wrote was "The most important thing of all is that there will not be a funeral for me." I am.....no pun intended.....dead serious about that! In this situation, it doesn't matter what I've wanted to be. I have not 'been there' for people. I don't even really feel concern for anyone, except for K, but that's just a false attraction that shouldn't even matter to me. I only care so much about her because my subconscious mind decided that she was 'the one,' and won't give up on that, in spite of the fact that I've known for 26½ months to date (Early September 2014) that she doesn't think of me in the same way.

Signing off for now, again.

- It's been 8 days since I first developed a cold, and what do you know, I still have some of the freakin' symptoms! I've been coughing at an increasing rate over the past ~48 hours, and this stupid nasal and throat congestion still won't go away! Trying to sleep the night when I made that post about this was horrible. I'd put that in bold text if blogs allowed BBCode. I put on a breathe right strip, one of those little adhesive bandaid-like things you put on your nose that supposedly opens your nasal passageways so you don't have to breathe through your mouth and can sleep properly, but it did little to nothing. I found that I could breathe better if I laid on my back, but I have never, in my life, ever been capable of sleeping on my back, I don't know how people do it. So I'd roll onto my side so that I could actually be comfortable enough to sleep, but then my nose would get completely stopped up to the point where I couldn't breathe through either nostril at all, so I'd lie there breathing through my mouth until I got sick of it and rolled back onto my back, lather, rinse, repeat, while listening to my brother's loud snoring off and on, which he does every single night, because his bed is literally about 6 feet away from mine. CRAP NIGHT!!!! I almost never emphasize my words with all caps, but that pretty much required it. I'm still sniffling and coughing off and on right now.

- Next topic, moving away. The only reason we're both living here (My brother and I) with my dad is because my mom booted us both from her house, albeit at separate times. He was smoking in the house (Also drinks vodka; as for me, I abstain from smoking and alcohol as well as illegal drugs) and wasn't looking for a job. My mom was more lenient about (But not 'settling' on) me not getting a job so soon, but this reflects on what I said awhile back about the prescriptions. I was always pissed off at everything. I was gonna put a lot of description into this, but let's just say she was so ######6 stubborn in getting me out of the house to some useless counseling #######4 or what the ###$ ever, that there were 3 or 4 occasions when I physically shoved her out of my room because she was standing there running her mouth about some $#%^ that didn't mean $#%^ to me. I know I sound like a "whiny teenager" (Not exactly a teen anymore, haven't grown an inch in about 2 years), but I've been through, and am permanently stuck with more $#%^ than the vast majority of them will ever know. My mom actually did call me a "spoiled brat" a few times. I absolutely never asked for anything, and not even once did I complain to her about my life. I've told my mom and dad alike for the last several Christmases, for example, that I didn't want anything. And she calls me a spoiled brat? As if I'm a child, and a child who gets all sorts of things he wants and lives a perfectly satisfactory life, but still demands more? I scratch that off as complete #######4.

- I swore a lot in that last paragraph, as I've done quite a few times in past entries, and it went completely off topic about moving away. I originally wanted to briefly summarize a number of things I've been thinking about a lot, but this has rambled on long enough.