In my second entry, I mentioned that I was in an "infatuation." Well, that was sort of a misnomer. There's a not-too-well known psychological term that would be more suitable in my situation, and that is limerence.

I mentioned that I'd start a forum thread about this, but I think I'll just keep it here. Chances are, only a handful of people will see this, but that'll suffice. So, what does this word mean? It's basically obsessive love, usually prolonged, and often causes intense longing, fantasizing, ups and downs in mood, etc. It is addictive. But there's something about my case that seems distinctive.

It was one of the first days of my 11th grade year. Most of our classes had assigned seats, some were scrambled through the year, others weren't. My 7th period class was history. There was someone in the same grade as me, assigned to the desk right in front of mine. The seating arrangement was unchanged throughout the year in that class. I started to notice that my attention was being drawn to her more than usual. It wasn't long at all before you could say I fell in love with her. I had admired other girls for their looks before, but those were short-lived, and this was different. She's almost the same age as me, only about 10 weeks younger. We were both 16 at that time. I don't mean to be idealizing, but she was pretty much the definition of what I find attractive, not just in appearance, but more importantly in personality. I spent almost the entire year admiring and often fantasizing about her, up until just about the end. Finally, I decided to open up. I wrote a little note expressing my feelings and such, and gave it to her by hand. She probably thought I was someone else at first, as she didn't really seem surprised.

She didn't feel the same way about me. It would be reasonable to infer that it was very difficult for me to take, but it wasn't. Sure, I was bitterly disappointed at first, but not what I'd call heartbroken. I have a feeling that I kind of knew along that she had no interest in me, but I wanted it too badly to accept that, so I blindly took a risk with no chance of positive outcome. Looking back now, there really wasn't any more than an iota of a chance of reciprocation. I was the one who spoke to nobody the entire time at school. What makes this distinctive is the fact that now, A little more than 2 years after the rejection and 3 years since being "smitten," I haven't lost my attraction to her. I spent the whole senior year looking at her whenever possible, not staring, but taking frequent glances. She was assigned to the same 4th period class as me, Economics in the first semester and Government in the second. It was a very short walk from my previous class, so I'd always get there sooner. I'd sit at my desk that faced the classroom door, waiting until she walked in, and my gaze would be in her general direction. I would partially conceal the smile on my face. 'Partially,' because I didn't want anyone else to notice, but always hoped that she would. She was polite, and would never ignore me in a rude eye-rolling manner, but she was adamant in avoiding accidental eye contact with me.

So, I was a naive teenager, and that's how that happened. My apologies to the moderator who inevitably has to check this whole thing for any rule violations.

Nobody enjoys being in a bitter mood, so I guess it'd be more than reasonable to try to stay positive as much as possible. And as such, that's what I'll do! But raising your hopes too high - and hopes don't have a very generous limit - would be taking a risk without benefit. You may crash into the wall of disappointment. So, in my opinion, that seems like a good idea.

Since three days ago, I've already shifted out of the highly anabolic (In terms of mood) state. In fact, it seemed to have subsided within an hour of making that post, and had lasted less than 24 hours. I've learned about Rapid Cycling Bipolarity, where depressive, (hypo)manic, or mixed moods fluctuate more than twice a year. Twice a year? I haven't been keeping track for that long, but I did decide to start a log of my fluctuations that day. There's also ultra-rapid, and even what's called ultradian-cycling. I don't know, I'll refrain from turning this into a psychology lesson. After a brief period of neutrality, I'm feeling sort of down in the dumps and irritable, but doing my best to control it, because it's not me. It's my mind trying to have its own way.

I find that listening to music tends to work wonders for my mood. Though, my tastes are hyper-selective. People say "I like the whole album!" or list 24 different bands they like; I wish I could say the same, but it only seems to get to me if it's loud (Not necessarily as in being played at a high volume, but how much 'noise' there is) and powerful. 5 groups I like are Red, Starset, Thousand Foot Krutch, Ashes Remain and Nine Lashes, though I find myself picking and choosing between the tracks they produce.

Stay cool, stay on the bright side

Today, I woke up after maybe 6 hours of sleep at the most, and I'm wired right now. I was actually dead tired at first, but I laid back down in bed for a little longer, and the energy just came right back. I have a hunch that I've got Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. Without sedatives (Been taking Melatonin frequently), I can never fall asleep until at least 2:00 AM, even if I go to bed 5 hours sooner. But then I typically get up at about 8 to 9 and have plenty of energy. Though, I always seem to wake feeling drained.

Normally I can hardly focus on anything, but right now, I can focus on one particular thing: My thoughts. They're all over the place, but there's a certain person who I've been thinking of a lot, on a daily basis. I am still wrapped up in an infatuation with someone who doesn't requite my feelings. I may take that into deeper detail on the forums in the near future, but I'm not sure. People would probably tell me I need to just let go, but I have reasons to think that might make matters worse.

I've never blogged before, but I guess I could give this a shot. Here's what's led me up to where I am now...

My early childhood memories are very sparse and broken, but I'll recall what I can. At a very young age, my parents found that I had autism, Asperger's to be specific. I would later come to be diagnosed as AD-HD and Bipolar 1 as well. My brother, who is 2 years older than me (Almost the same birthday, but different years), is somewhere on the autism-spectrum as well, but doubtfully to the same degree as me. My grandfather had a career in engineering, and my mother gave birth to me at the semi-late age of 33. I've found that these are, interestingly, potential risk factors for developing autism. My father fell into serious depression at that time, possibly because he blames himself for passing these genetics down to me, but I don't know for sure. My parents ended up divorcing when my brother and I were only nearly 4 and 6. For the next ~14 years, I was raised by a single mother. We used to live in an apartment complex where I would hang out with other kids from time to time, and while things seemed fairly alright, It wasn't long before I had feelings of being different. My mother did all sorts of research about autism, and put me in a program for children with developmental disabilities. This only seemed to make me feel even more out of place, as the other kids were low-functioning, and I wasn't. As time progressed, isolation began to creep up on me. I started distancing myself from my peers, whom I never was too involved with. By Junior-high, those relationships were gone. I considered myself too "weird" and socially awkward to be involved. I slipped into a state of depression that I still haven't truly pulled out of. Going to school, where almost everyone around me was socializing with each other felt like being alone on the other side of a one-way window, where I could see them, but nobody saw me. All I really did outside of school was sit around at home, taking up PC gaming, because I had either no desire, or opportunity to do anything beyond the house.

Today, about a year and a half from graduating high school, I'm still at a loss. My communication abilities are critically impaired, I can never stay focused, my emotions are everywhere, the list goes on, and I just don't know how I could do anything in life. How can I even hold up a job when my executive functioning is abysmal? I am doing my best to stay positive, even when my mood swings into "just give up on it all." I wouldn't request anyone's advice in this blog, but as a statement, I need answers more than anything else right now.