Right now, it's absurdly warm for this time of the year, so a window's open and a couple of fans are on. It's as dark as it gets and there's a fresh breeze outside, it also rained lightly off and on earlier but its quiet right now. Out there, and in the house to. I love it. I really do. The fresh air.......it has this pureness that nothing else can match.

But, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a ###$ up and can't see myself ever being accepted in this world. I didn't go to my mom's for Christmas. I just wasn't in the mood at all and was dying for any amount of time I could get to be in my own company, and nobody else's. Aside from these 2 cats we live with, but they're fine. They sent me the gifts I was given. A new pair of shoes, a pair of slippers, another jacket, some socks, 2 T-shirts that are really big but good for sleeping in, and I think there were a couple of other things I'm forgetting. Also, I forgot to mention before, they gave me 45 dollars when I went out to my uncle's. I'm fine with this stuff. In fact, I wish they wouldn't have spent so much on me. I didn't buy anything for anyone and I know I haven't given enough, in an emotional sense, to them for me to deserve it. I'm not belittling myself, I'm just accepting what I'm clearly not worthy of.

This is the kind of peaceful moment I'd like to "go out" in. Every day I want to make it less boring, but can't find any way. I want to message K all the time, but I can't. I want things to change, but there times, all the time, when I can't be so bothered as to even get simple tasks done. I feel so ######6 horrible that if I even start on one, I get so damn sick of it in 5 minutes I just quit.

I went to my uncle's house for his Christmas celebration today. It wasn't until just a couple of hours beforehand that I changed my mind and decided to, somewhat reluctantly, follow through with it. We go there. We ate ham and pineapple slices, snack foods like Ritz crackers with all the fixins' like summer sausage and cheese cubes, potato and tortilla chips with dip and something else that wasn't appealing to me, which I chose not to eat. Then I went into that long, boring phase of sitting on a chair in their living room, trying to laugh as best as I could when the situation called for it and just pretending I wasn't as bored as I really was. My brother basically did the same thing. That's always how it goes at these visits with the family.

I didn't say anything about what I wanted because for the sake of ###$, I didn't want anything. They got me a jacket that was pretty nice and fit well, and a beanie that my brother got to, which was a little small since it was universal size, but fits nonetheless. I said thanks to them for it.

I got pretty drowsy while I was there, I've heard that it's a characteristic of introversion to feel drained by social gatherings. Now I have to go my mother's celebration tomorrow. I don't feel like it either.

I'm not feeling as bad as before, but I still can't stop thinking about what a bunch of #######4 life has given me and I still want to die. It's tempting to think about them finally learning what I've really been suffering with, and to never have to suffer through it again. I am very deprived of hope, because it's true. There isn't always hope.

There's nothing interesting about this, nothing at all. There's no reason for it to matter to anyone. You don't want to read this, honestly.

I keep returning even though it does me no good. 26 posts down, this'll be #27 and I am entirely unchanged from where I was when I began. Which is basically where I've been for years. But I come back anyway. I don't express any of this to anyone off the internet, not a lick of it, nothing. I don't even bother trying to come up with some explanation for why this barrier exists, the one that blocks all of this ridiculous, pointless suffering inside, keeps it trapped so that nobody knows.

I can't stand it. I just have to say it one way or another, I have to. It's a must. But at this point it feels so idiotic to go on about it. How many ways can I rephrase the same implications?

Whatever. I derive a sense of accomplishment from not eating when I'm hungry. I've been so overtaken by my own ###$ up mind's #######4 for so long, I take to resisting any part of it I can. The swear filter is stupid, I mean come on, this is a place for us to explain what's really on our mind at any time, why should these words be censored? The only reason we call them "bad words" is because society has decided it to be the norm. But, none of the current staff made the rule, and it's their duty to enforce it.

One boring, lifeless, dull, completely valueless day after another, why have I not put an end to this stupid $#%^ already? If something was gonna change, why has it still not happened? You could blame me for doing nothing to achieve it, but I just can't ######6 take all this $#%^ stacked on top of me. There's one thing people say all the time that I refuse to give any amount of agreeing to, and that is "You're not alone." Oh, shut the hell up. It doesn't matter who else out there is going through something similar, the fact of the matter is that nobody is the same.

I was gonna go on further but it's not gonna make a difference. One last thing, though.

###$ MY FAMILY! ###$ THEIR PRESENCE! BEING AROUND YOU IS STRESSING ME THE ###$ OUT! I HAVEN'T HAD A MOMENT'S TIME TO MYSELF IN OVER A ######6 WEEK! I DON'T GIVE A $#%^ ABOUT YOU!

All I want for Christmas is,

Go out with the family and leave me here. Stay as long as you want, the longer the better. If they - my uncle, my mother, any of them buy me any unwanted gifts, tell them I said return them, they can keep their money. And I'm not playing their stupid games, they're gonna accept it one way or another, so they may as well just do it the easy way.

Let it end.

A complete f.ucking pile of s.hit.

Well, go figure! How can it not be s.hit? I am whatever phase I'm in. Optimistic phase? Hooray! I can get things done! Uh oh, the rollercoaster's going downhill again. Well, that was nice while it lasted. Now those "simple tasks" are too damn much. It's such a pain in the ass to do anything now, just forget about it. There's no hope without a solution.

Oh, but maybe there is a solution! I mean surely there's ways I could work around all this! Woah.....nevermind. All of a sudden it doesn't even matter to me. I'm s.hit again.

This is so unoriginal. I have ideas, lots of them, but no originality. And that's that.