Today, we had our first significant snowfall. Had a few very light flurries that barely left a dusting before, but today we were blanketed with a couple of inches, enough to cover the grass completely. For some reason, I kind of like it. Mundane it may be, and I'm not really much more than indifferent to it, but I have this subtle liking of it. Wasn't all that excited about shoveling it, though. I shoveled the driveway out of my own accord at about 4:30 PM just because I knew it needed done. I actually didn't think anything of it until after I came inside. A few minutes passed, and then my back really started to hurt. It wasn't very bad while I was out there, but then it got sore, real sore. I don't know why I have back pain on a daily basis, I mean I know my posture tends to suck and I barely get out, but I just don't consider myself old enough for it to be typical.

Being as unmoving (in the mental sense) as I am, I have yet to stop thinking about K off and on all day long. And I'm not even trying. No, I actually don't find it toxic, I just feel ridiculous sometimes for relishing in the past over someone who most likely thinks, after as long as its been, that I don't think about her anymore. And in the great name of 'why,' it was so dumb to expect even the slightest feelings in return from her. I am positive that she took note of me in various places at various times, day by day, sitting there at a seat and doing nothing at all. Most days, I didn't even bother bringing my phone with me because I'd just get bored of it in 10 minutes, and probably spent a total of some 3 to 4 hours of the typical 7 hour school day preoccupied with nothing. Nothing at all. I spent more time fidgeting with things, and finding random new combinations to tap my fingers in than I could even imagine. And I'd never even had the opportunity to exchange a word to her. But what does it even matter anyway? Her rejection saved me from what would have been embarrassment from getting that lump in my throat and not being able to speak, and blushing like my face was on fire.

I am a failure. I just want everyone to know it because it's true. I'm living for no reason at all. It's still all I can say. All I do is just tell myself I need to change, and then do nothing about it. Why do I keep making myself promises I can't keep? It seems like one of the most senseless things a person could do. I don't have a clue what to do. For some reason, I'm in the mood to cut myself right about now. I don't why I do it, it doesn't even seem to bring any satisfaction or relief along with it, but I get the urge anyway. Whatever, I just wish I could completely distance myself from everything right now.

Here are my results

Paranoid: 70%
Schizoid: 59%
Schizotypal: 41%
Antisocial: 50%
Borderline: 76%
Histrionic: 35%
Narcissistic: 38%
Avoidant: 85%
Dependent: 55%
Obsessive-Compulsive: 52%

The one that takes me somewhat by surprise is the 85 percent score for Avoidant PD. The thing is, I do 'avoid' almost all social interaction that isn't necessary, as the name implies, but I don't experience social anxiety. The test had 5 options for each question, 1 being 'very inaccurate' and 5 being 'very accurate,' with 60 questions in total. The thing is, I picked very accurate or very inaccurate on most of the questions that involved preference toward sociability, with the 5's given to preference of being alone and 1's to the opposite.

Of course, none of this is to be taken imperatively, and as such, it doesn't reorient my view. But it is interesting nonetheless.

All I have ever lived is this alternative life. Whether it be the end or a new beginning, something must change.

Reflection. I've made quite a few forum posts expressing how something about me or my life is comparable to others, and some others have said similar things to me........but it just isn't changing it. The loneliness, it doesn't change. Not in the sense of being lonesome, that never affects me, I'm talking about being isolated in my situation. Always, always being exposed to the words of those with opportunities I've either been too damn apprehensive of to take, or just do not, in all matter of realism, have. It drives me right back into the same hole.

Oh well, there's plenty of time left to sit around, introspect about how horrible this is, and wonder, "when is this all gonna end?" And wonder why it hasn't, as well.

Pontificating the question of life after death.

Are we born again onto the same planet, but without our memories? Are we spawned into existence as a new organism on a different celestial body? Do we become new life in a realm beyond the universe?

It's a topic so incomprehensibly large and all-encompassing, just about anyone could be fascinated by it. My religious belief, I choose Apatheism. To be unaligned is, in fact, a choice. I take quite the same stance on politics; why sacrifice my true opinions by conforming to the "better fit?" I will not make that compromise. Liberal or Conservative? Call me an "Ambivalentist." I made that up.

Okay, so the politics thing was a bit irrelevant. Case in point, I prefer Apatheism because of 1. General disinterest in religious doctrine, 2. Belief that involvement wouldn't have a worthwhile impact on my life. How this applies is: I don't have any vision of an external realm that I'm set and determined on. The Vikings, particularly warriors believed that death in battle was a righteous honor that would surely grant them into Valhalla. Me, I'm just wondering what there is, or isn't. It really is pretty unsettling to imagine eternal nothingness. It can't even be imagined, bearing no tangible form or sentient entity, forever. A person could be utterly petrified of it. Who knows, who knows.......

Anyway, in knowledge rather than theory, I had a dream that involved K last night. I can't say it was 'about' her, because she only appeared in a brief moment. I've had a few of those before, but I'm honestly surprised I haven't had many dreams of her. Not that it would have any effect other than possible disappointment at wake-up. This particular dream was very weird (well, a bit like all of mine are), it involved me going on some sort of trip to some place (movie theater?) with some of my former high school classmates. Most unusual. But then there was this part where I eventually ended up at home, and for some reason, K was there. Unlike I did in real life, I did my best to avoid looking at her. In perception, it only seemed like a few seconds.