I'm sick of it, but don't know what the hell to do about it, so it feels like all I can do is be sick of it!

I've said it before, but it bothers me so god damn much I'll reiterate. Living this way is ######6 crap. But nothing says I'm stuck, so why don't I do something about it? Well, the only thing that's really getting in my way, aside from overall apprehensiveness of my future, is the fact that I feel as though I simply cannot take the initiative. It's a ridiculous problem and I don't even understand it. As I say through clenched teeth and with reluctant agitation: I have to tell someone about this before I can do anything. It's embarrassing and only adds to the stress of the ordeal.

I feel as if I'm floating on a raft with no oar in the middle of the ocean, just waiting to be found by a ship or aircraft. Except in this case, there's nobody to rescue me, I just have to find a way to get around this mental barrier.

So, last Monday, my brother woke up sniffling and said he was sick. He used to be employed full time in the same business as my dad, not because he had any aspiration for it (at all), but just for the income. Now he attends classes in EMS at Sinclair, but is still employed part time in the business my dad has basically been stuck in for over a decade. It's industrial, it involves installing sprinkler systems in new buildings as well as other stuff with pipe fitting. Something I'm definitely not interested in. Anyway, his schedule really just doesn't make any sense to me. Lately he's been leaving either for work or classes maybe twice, or even just once a week. Now, back to last Monday; there went a good ~10 hours worth of potential time to myself. They head out the door at about 6:00 AM, and typically get back at 3 to 5 PM (40 hour work week, but the drives are long).

Now, as luck would have it, I went to bed on Wednesday night feeling like I was developing a sore throat, and sure enough, woke up with one the next day. Or, maybe luck isn't to blame, I mean it certainly couldn't have helped that my brother accumulated a big heap of used tissues on the floor next to his bed for 5 days, before putting them in a plastic shopping bag........and then leaving it there........so I took it upon myself to throw it away just hours earlier. And not to mention, he casually sneezed without making any attempt to cover it, regardless of whether I was standing nearby or not.

So, I had serious throat congestion that day (Wednesday), and then developed nasal congestion the next day, the latter of which has gotten worse and is really bothering me right this moment. I've also had some occasional coughing here and there. Fortunately, the sore throat has finally dissipated, along with the phlegm in the throat. But my nose is still all stopped up.

Wondering what the difference between the cold and the flu was, I looked it up online. As it turns out, the flu is actually a lot worse. It usually includes things like serious coughing, fatigue, sweating, headaches, such and such. I wasn't aware of that. So, it was just a cold.

This is the 12th time in a period of 40 days that I come here to push buttons in a specific manner, to be submitted to a database in some location, and have the combination put on display.

My thoughts still go out to K. That particular person I wrote about my attachment to in my 4th entry. For anonymity purposes, I'll just refer to her as K. I don't know if I can call these feelings 'unhealthy' or not; I think I may have already said that before, I don't know. But I still think about her all the time, every day. She's always had that kind, respectable character that makes me think there's nothing I could dislike about her. I mean it's not that anyone is "perfect," but I'm not really concerned about her flaws. I, for one, have more flaws than you can imagine. I hope K is doing well. She always appeared to be in such good spirits, but I can't help but worry that she has thoughts of being something like "mediocre," or "average." She has that modesty about her, and it's a quality I really do appreciate, but I wish I could tell her that she's much more special than "average." Younger females have a high susceptibility to having a low self-esteem. Not that K is in a state of depression by any means, but that self-image is a possibility that bothers me.

This whole day has been boring as $#%^. Like every single other day. Except today I woke up at 5-something, got out of bed at 6, and then life-drainingly uneventful crap ensues. Don't exactly have it made economically (or in any sense at all), living in a 984 square foot, 116 year old, 1 bedroom w/ 3 residents, 1 bathroom dingy house with all sorts of problems: electrical, plumbing, propane (furnace heating), etcetera. There are millions worse off than that around the world, I know. But If I'm not home alone, I don't get a ######6 millisecond of time to myself, and I am a very solitude-appreciating person. SSI benefits are my only personal source of income right now, which is due to expire in a number of months, and I'm using it partially to pay some of the bills around here. Though it's only real purpose is a bit of financial support to help me get a job. Other than that, I'm left on my own. How the ###$ could I "just be happy?" What kind of happy-go-lucky person has no peers, no sign of light at the end of the tunnel, and is screwed over in a thousand ways with mental health problems? I would also say 'no romantic partner,' but with today's society the way it is, I suppose I could let that one slide.

And now, addressing the title of this entry. If I want to die, there is no reason for anyone to not stay the hell out of it! This isn't "ideation," that would be both senseless and prohibited. I don't know for sure if it'll come to that, I'm just saying that nobody else should have a say in it.

"All I do is complain. Why not change things already? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Figure it out? I don't understand why I don't. There's things about me even I don't understand. There's no point in complaining. But I feel so stuck. But it does no good to complain. But I don't know what to do. But this, why that, do this, but that..........."

Some people have a lot of things on their plate. As for me, I don't have a lot of 'things,' I have a lot of a 'thing.' It's a big, heaping pile of future. Frequently, having a look around, people speak about living in the present. I don't know how I'm supposed to do that when all I can think about is what to do with my life. For as long as I've known of how these mental health issues affect me - and that goes back probably a little further than when I was 10 - It worried me. Reaching this age, and 'moving on.' I do have an idea of what kind of career I want to get in to, I'm thinking something in the field of mechanical engineering. I guess it's that systemizing nature of autism in me. But let me put it this way, how will college be any different for me than K-12 was? I can't have friends when I'd just embarrass myself with my absurdly delayed word processing, and besides, these are young adults we're talking about. "Lets get high! Lets get laid! Lets sit around in cliques and talk behind others' backs!" Hell no, that's not me.

I guess it does a bit of good in the very short term to vent.