I wouldn't! No, no way, no chance. But if my life has been such a disaster, and what it's all come down to is that my own decisions are what set me down this path, why wouldn't I relive my life, given the opportunity? Because it goes a little further than my own decisions.

Am I meant to blame myself for my lack of any social life? Of course not, that's what happens when you're a mess of mental idiosyncrasies who no one would want to be involved with anyway, you isolate them, it's all you can do. I didn't have a choice. But what about all the things I could have accomplished that didn't get done, because I was too busy being occupied by nothing while sitting silently as life gradually slipped away with every tick of the clock? I've probably spent more time with that than anything else in my life. Well, let's assess my perspective, in that situation. I'm sitting there, and I'm in one of those moods where I can't be so bothered as to finish a daily, 5 minute task. ADHD has some responsibility there, which I not only inherited from my dad, but I personally believe that as a child, it worsened as my developing mind was so deprived of fulfillment and subject to the same boredom all the time. Also, there's the huge problem of unpredictable mood randomness I get predominantly from BPD. It has a major impact on my productivity, it makes me feel a million different ways in a day, what can I do when I feel a million different ways in a day?

And then there's the fact that my life circumstances leave me with practically no reasonable source of any joy anyway. What does this add up to? It means I simply never could have been high-achieving. I wouldn't live my life over again because I remember how horrible I felt all the time, and I don't blame myself for what I did, I got ###$ over with a bunch of #######4, and nobody will ever hear me say "I wish I could relive my life!"

We must have a tendency to buy into empty, off-base reassurance when it comes from people we trust. In other words, "it's gonna be alright," when it isn't. A valuable skill is differentiating between advice which is credible and which is unsupported, regardless of who speaks it.

At this moment, I'm sitting here anxious to no end about something I did last night. I haven't felt like this since the effects of the medication withdrawal. Just tell me I didn't screw it up...... holy $#%^......

There's an interesting comparison between when I talk to people verbally, and when I post on the forums.

They seem to have trouble understanding me because of my ineptness as communicating, and I always feel like my input is useless and means nothing to anyone.

I registered thinking I was finding a place where I'd fit in..... nope! Of course not! It just serves as extra evidence that I don't fit in anywhere. I'm too god damn different for this world. Too ###$ up.

Besides, it was idiotic to think I can help people. I've never even lived. Everyone else on this forum has done more in their lives with me; for one, most of them have lived longer, and two, they've gone out and experienced things. I've done jack $#%^. You know why? Because I don't know how to ######6 do anything. Guess where I am? Still right where I started. My first post, where I talked (mostly about what an absolutely unforgivable hell of an experience school was, but also) about being completely lost in life and having no idea what to do - I'm still there. Adds extra hopelessness to what was already hopelessness.

Seriously, nobody gets it. Nobody understands how different I really am. I can't even explain it. There are so many weird things about my mind works and how it affects me, many of which are things most people wouldn't understand if I tried to explain. And I'm given the exact same expectations as everyone else. Forced into the system - do it, or die. Well, I am very, very tempted to not ###$ around with that $#%^. I resent the world for forcing me into this. For leaving me with no opportunity to ever become anything without following the same ######6 stupid #######4 process that could never let me in. Seriously, this is leaving me without a ######6 choice.

And I'd be the happiest person OFF Earth.