Last night, I had a thought which I find sort of odd that it hasn't really come up earlier on. It's both simple, and quite illustrative. It's the fact that I'm not really hampered by what I don't think I can achieve. I've posted a lot about how I'm always bouncing back and forth between feeling constructive and feeling like death is the only reasonable solution. Well, I do have fluctuations in my perspective of my own capabilities, but it's really the product of willingness. Everything happens for a reason, no effect ever occurs without a cause, and as such, if I don't *want* to live, then I'm not going anywhere.

When I feel semi-positive (which is about as far as I ever go in that direction), it's enticing to imagine myself ignoring self-doubt and overcoming my problems. I *want* to be happy. When the absolutely inevitable descent back into anguish and despair comes again, happiness means nothing to me. The motive is gone. I don't *want* to change.