Lunch, what a magnificent word.

I never thought I would be so happy to see the word lunch.

I just feel so good.

It isn't even like a hypomaina type of good like I was talking about before. It is just good. Good good.

First date. Who'd'a'thought?

At least, probably first date. Unless she mistook my question.

Honestly, though, it feels good to have the odds feel in my favor, and I mean really feel in my favor. Sure there is a chance, but even if it is, so what. I have proved to myself what, just days ago I would have thought was utterly impossible. I can be a human being. Look, I am doing it. It is great. I love it. I only wish that everyone else gets the same thing in their life. I think we could all be so happy.

If I escape from AvPD dysfunction, I don't even know.

It feels strange to not have anything to brew over. It is the best kind of strange I have felt in my life.

It feels like having rocks taken out of your stomach or something, you feel empty and light, but in the best way possible.

Oh, my. You guys and gals.

You're the best. I wish you could all see that.

Thanks all of you who have ever helped me and who keep helping me. Thanks all of you who have read anything I have posted. Thanks all of you who have posted anything of your own to the forums or blogs.

I was wrong that I hadn't changed. This is big. This is the discovery of electricity in the world of me.

I love you all so much. So many people in the world, I love them and myself so much. I am happy with my accomplishment. There is still a lot of road ahead, but now I know I can walk.

Oh, my god I am happy. Just that great kind of happy. Jesus, I haven't felt this in so long. Almost makes me want to take back up religion, ha ha (I'm kidding, just kidding )

At least for now,
all is well with the cosmos.

Well, it is 3.5 hours later since I sent the last message. I don't know. I assume this is rejection, but maybe I shouldn't. I am not feeling too bad about it. I mean, I am proud of myself for trying, and who knows, maybe her phone died or something.

It still isn't even read, so that means she is either ignoring it because she saw the message and doesn't want it to be marked as read(or just hasn't opened it yet) or she just hasn't seen it.

Even though my mind wants to jump to the conclusion that she is mad or something similar and doesn't want to open it or mark it as read, I can realize that that seems a bit unlikely, maybe 50-50 chance.

Still, things happen. People get busy, their phones die. I don't know.

Anyway, I feel exhausted. It feels like I have run really hard or something. There are few time I have felt like this in my life, like real physical exhaustion. Not getting tired of physical movement mentally or muscularly, but like your entire lungs and heart and everything. Maybe there should be a workout for us (or maybe just me), talk to a girl on facebook, that's cardio for the week.

I'm feeling pretty calm right now, though considering. I did take some aniracetam, about 2.7g (4x my normal dose, but I hear the anti-anxiety gets better at higher doses and memory/cognition gets worse maybe), and I think that may kinda be it, but I think I am going to claim the credit for myself. 2/3 missions accomplished, even if the last falls though.

I don't imagine she would leave me hanging, not knowing yes or no. She tends to be very forward, so that would be uncharacteristic of her. Still, I hope she doesn't think she has to protect me or anything. I don't think she would think that, I mean, she has done it before... but not in this way. I would think that if she was going to reject me, she would just kinda say something like "I don't know, I am really busy lately". Unless she thinks I wouldn't get it.... but.... I don't know. I think she would think I would understand it because she has done it before at a time when I was evading being around her and being a real... me. Difficult to explain the actual situation. Difficult to think about this, really. It feels so circular. I don't really know what the answer is, so I feel like there isn't much point in circulating it in my mind, although I am still going to do it to an extent.

Well, I did it.

Don't know.

I ##### did it (I don't know if I have to censor myself, but I will).

I am shaking like crazy. I can barely type right now. I just was on facebook. I started a conversation with the prom-girl. It took me forever to press the key for the first letter. It was pretty chill afterwords. We were talking and I think it was at least a friendly conversation. We ran out of the topic we were talking on, but it was still good, not a "leave me alone" kind of running out of the topic.

So, I asked if she would like to get together some time.

it took me a long time to type it out, but it was only about one sentence. Then I was trying to see if I could get myself to send it. So, I was sitting there for like 15 minutes playing with the enter key, like pressing it a little, but not enough to contact, raising my finger and putting it down onto the key like I was going to press it. I got a pen, still half-trying to send it, and half resisting. I lifted the pen like I was going to do the same thing as what I was doing with my finger, and lowered it. But I misjudged it and it depressed the key. I was in half-disbelief, half panic.

My heart was beating so quickly, it was like a gun. I am still shaking like I have Parkinson's. It is a good thing that there is a backspace key. When I started to settle down, I took my pulse. About 130bpm, so pretty anxious considering my resting is down to about 80bpm most of the time now.

She hasn't responded, and it says she hasn't seen the message (but she is on her phone, so it could have popped up in the notifications and she just read it from there and doesn't want to open it I assume that Iphones can do that like android). She was about to eat, and it was a long time between when I got the last message and sent this one (and I didn't even worry too much about with whom, I am on a role today). I don't know. I am not too worried. It is what it is. I did my part for now. It feels good. I will accept whatever comes. I feel like I made the most progress I have ever made. Even if she says no, I am fine. I conquered the situation. I did it. I did it. No foolin' around this time, I asked the question.

Although... there is a small catch to my question... the way I asked it, although mostly recognized as asking someone on a date, it is POSSIBLE to say "oh, no I didn't mean it like that" if I absolutely have to. Yeah, I know, that is an avoidant trait, but with the progress this is, I don't ####ing care. Everyone gets nervous, anyway.

Life, come at me. 10 points for Taylor. -5 if she says no, but that is still a net +5.

I woke up a few hours ago. I am feeling quite well.

I think this is the healthy state where I would like to be. I don't feel jittery or anything. I feel a really nice, smooth, good-okay mood. It isn't like yesterday where I felt like I was overflowing with energy or anything, and at the same time, I feel mildly hopeful. Not overbearingly so, but just enough to make everything okay. I would think that this is as close to normal as it gets (for me, anyway).

Of course, that doesn't change the fact that I have apparently relapsed fully into liking that girl from a year ago. I don't know, though. It doesn't really bother me that much. I mean, I do like her, and I do need to try, at least. For one thing, it will be good for me, I think. Maybe it is kinda like self-cbt, when do the action, it may reduce the anxiety around it.

This has made me reflect on the mood swings, as well. I am 99% sure that they are a 2ndary problem caused by all the other ones in conjunction with hormonal crap.

For the past few years that I have been paying attention to the time they happen, they have been happening mostly in the summer and winter breaks. They also happen most when limerence is the strongest (although I am not fully certain which is the cause and which is the effect).

I think that signifies the two biggest culprits, fixation and isolation.

At one time, I was worried it was perhaps a kind of bipolar-epilepsy thing. Not that I have seizures, I was worried that I was having sub-threshold excitations. Mostly this was spurred by the fact that a lot of people with epilepsy tend to have a certain type of personality. People who I know who have had epilepsy, and a lot of them I have watched videos of on the internet tend to have a very energetic mood about them that very closely resembles my "up" mood on the dimension that it happened on yesterday, not happy-sad (or manic-depressive) mood. It is a very fixative mood. Things often occur like hypergraphia. You can really sense something different about them (or maybe I am crazy ). Because of that, I worried that maybe my mental abilities were declining because of that (turns out, I think it was depression-induced difficulty or just imagined decline, not degeneration). However, that is decidedly incorrect. During the big high mood of the last summer, I tested my cognition on a site, and it was the same as before the incident (actually working memory was a bit higher and it steadily increased after the incident, whereas it wasn't moving before), so I am not too worried about that.

So, it does raise the question of what is causing it. I think it is what I described above, fixation and isolation. Maybe with a bit of different emotionality or emotional disregulation.

The problem, I think, is lack of stimuli. In both isolation and fixation, I think I am severely limiting the input into my mind, but I am still human, and still needing input. So, little details become big deals because relative to nothing else happening, it seems like a lot. Normal people wouldn't have this problem so much because their social circle is allowed to be a buffer of input. The fact is, if you have a lot of events at neutral mood, and one goes whack, then maybe it is 1/100 things that went wrong, and it is hurtful, but it is okay because you have the buffer. But if you are getting one or two things at a time, focusing all your energy on that one input, when it goes wrong (and everything goes wrong sometimes), then your whole world goes wrong.

I think if I was able get some buffers by being more social, this wouldn't be so much of a problem.

Still, I can't help but imagine that, if I were to date the girl (she's bipolar), maybe bipolar stages would synchronize like mensies, ha ha ha ha ha. Actually, that would suck with both in a depressive state, but hey, this is my fantasy here, and double up-moods would be a force...

[ Continued ]

I am still feeling restless, extremely so.

This is almost EXACTLY how I felt during the summer.

It is almost inevitable that I will attempt to talk to the prom-girl on facebook. It is absolutely driving me insane.

I am thinking this state may actually be a good thing.

Even though I obviously do not really enjoy it, it seems like a get out of jail easier card.

It is like a boost, and I know I need one.

Now, the problem is if I can do it be maintain good mind while doing it. Although I have more boost, there is still a strong flighty feeling.

I can't really decide if I feel good or bad. On one hand, I am extremely worried and feel so, so pressured. On the other, I feel like "yeah, lets do this, I have all the energy in the world". I feel very "zeroed in". My body feels very light, like I am a child, and my legs are kinda sore in an acidic way. I am not hungry. I feel like I could marathon 10 miles, but I obviously know I can't. For one thing, I wouldn't be able to focus on it. I feel so conflicted because I have so much energy, but I only want to spend it on one thing, and there is not much to spend it on.

I am also worried because this is obviously a very transient state. I feel like I need to act now before it goes away, but I am also afraid to. I am also thinking "what if I do manage to ask her on a date and then my courage goes away before it happens?"

I feel like it is a boost to get out of this pattern, but I am also anxious about doing anything.

Based on last time's results, even if I fail, I will get a good mood afterwards(something probably bordering on hypomania), so I am not extremely worried. I mean, I want the results to be good, but at least I don't think everything is going to crash if it end up badly.

Speaking of it ending badly, I can't really think of it ending badly. Somewhere in the back of my brain, I think the probability of its ending is something like 25% good, 50% neutral, and 25% bad. I don't know, though, because that is the same part of me that said she would never like me in the first place.

A big concern is that I don't want to come at her too intense. I mean, if I acted like I am feeling and probably typing right now, she would probably think I had taken up meth. Last time, I acted, I think, a little too stimulanty- short cut sentences with a lot of intensity, but very flighty.

If I talk to her, I need to stay (more like become) calm or at least attempt to act it. That isn't a problem in real life, but typing, it could be.

It is a shame that I can only talk to her in such a worked up state. If I was able to when I feel normal, I think I could do a better job.