Today was unsuccessful... but I am pushing on... in my mind.

It must be done that I will continue on.

The lemon balm did nothing significant. Is that really a surprise? How is a pill going to give me the courage to talk to people, the ability to interact with them without fear? It isn't.

There is one way to fight this. It is a part of my mind, and it must be a war inside my mind. Today, I was thinking "it would really just be easier to just go through the years and get my education. Don't worry about friends, you are fine." But, I am not fine. That is the part of my mind that needs to go away, far away.

I really don't want the rest of my life to be like this. I can live with it, but I don't know. I don't want to just be able to "live with" my life.

I don't want to die alone; to never have a group of friends who "have my back" and I have theirs; to never have friends who will say "Hey, that new movie just came out. Lets all go see it" and who I can say the same to; to never have someone who I care about, and they care about me; to have a girlfriend/wife who wants to be around me and I want to be around her; to never have a girl who I can just sit down and watch a movie with, and be close to; to never have a girl who I can think about liking and not feel guilty for it; to never be able to be close to anyone; to have to feel like I am defending myself at every moment I am in a social situation, feeling like people are going to slam my mind against the concrete at any moment; to constantly have an invisible wall between me and the world. I don't like having to do everything through proxy. I want to be able to interact with the world like normal people can.

I want to walk out of a class and meet up with friends outside a room after a test, and someone says "you guys want to go eat somewhere", and another says "hey, how about that new pizza place", and I think "ah, pizza sounds so good right now after that test" and then we drive to the pizza place and order food, and there isn't anxiety. I get food and can eat it there. I don't even need medicine for my stomach because it won't hurt because there won't be anxiety. And then one of us will have class and will have to rush out, and the rest will be there eating and joking around, and the one who had to leave will be okay because we will do the same thing again some other day.

I just want to be able to enjoy things. People my age do fun things, and I can't. I want to be able to do fun things too.

I don't want to just sit here every day for the rest of my life.

Go to school, learn, talk to no one, come home, maybe talk to someone from highschool and play a videogame, but only because it is a duty I have to maintain the friend, not because it is something I want to do. Go to school the next day, come home. People ask me how I am doing and I say "Fine". "Everything good in college" "yeah, everything is great" "You getting along with everyone" "Yeah, yeah."

I don't know. I just feel really bad today. I want to be better. I just want to not have to worry about this crap inside my mind. I want to be able to have relationships with people and to have a close relationship with a girl. That is what I want. But I can't have it.

Today wasn't too special and not too great either. I was very irritated and agitated.

I think it is due to a combination of things
1. No nootropics in 2 days (trying to reset some of them, but I have just been forgetting to take the base ones since it is a change in schedule)
2. Everyone in my house has been agitated and very testosterone-ish, but it is for a good cause. My younger brother is being bullied at school, so we are trying to deal with that, and of course it evokes that defensive sort of attitude in all of us, and everyone just feels on edge and slightly irritated at the world.
3. I took those GABA increasing pills yesterday, and I am starting to wonder if I am not having a very small sort of rebound effect. The effects are pretty much reversed, and I am getting that heavy buzzing feeling in my mind, but this has happened before, not just now, so I don't know if it is just a coincidence. It is possible that there is some sort of effect, though. I am very sensitive to 5-HTP, so maybe I am sensitive to the GABA as well.
4. I spent about 4 hours trying to figure out how to create convert something on the computer. It was multistep and complicated(a lot of bugs and outdated software), and there were no guides since we (my friend and I over skype) were trying to do something that is kinda esoteric (in a video game).

No events really, since it is Sunday. Just wanted to do my daily post. I really do like this blogging. It feels good to vent. Thanks for commenting, by the way. I enjoy reading them, and it is good advice

Today I was feeling especially agitated, which was a bit surprising considering there was no school and I slept for about 10 hours last night.

I had to go to town with my family, so I think that was the main trigger for it. It always stresses me being in the car with them because they are all so neurotic, and there is no way of telling if they are going to be in a good mood or bad mood until someone (and by that, I mean primarily my younger brother) does something and they get in trouble for it or get away with it.

But I was even more agitated than normal, and I think it was because I forgot to take my normal supplements/meds in the morning.

We went rock-climbing like we have been doing for several weeks now. I think it is a pretty good way to get out and confront avoidant feelings, really. Also, there isn't any real risk of injury; it is pretty safe.

I am afraid of heights, though. So far, it hadn't interfered too much, though. I can pretty much will it away, and I have way worse phobias, so it is pretty tame in comparison. It didn't go so well today, though. I could feel the panic more than normal and felt too weak to will it away. On one of the higher walls, I got nauseous and had to ask to be lowered down, but it was not too embarrassing because my mother was balleying (holding the rope and spotting) me and our family was the only one there.

Since it was significantly worse than how I normally react, I think it was most likely not just not taking the pills in the morning, but that in conjunction with a stressful/tiring week at college.

When I got home, I saw in the mail that my package had arrived from amazon. I ordered some more pills and they came in today. They are lemon balm, l-theanine, and Rhodiola rosea. The first two act on GABA, which I don't particularly like, but I guess I am willing to try them since I have heard good stories about them, and I have read that they are not nearly as bad for memory as benzos (of course they are much weaker too). I have taken lemon balm with some other gaba drugs in MidNite PM, and the combo made me feel stupid, but really relaxed.

I took the lemon balm and theanine (they are in the same pill) tonight, and so far it does have an observable effect. I feel calm, and the clam type of stupid is kinda there. It is not that bad, though.

I did do a mini test of it by trying to play a shooter video game that normally makes me paranoid/anxious (MW3), and I did not seem to get too anxious. I still had some anxiety, but I don't think it was over the normal threshold. My scores were lower than normal, but I don't know if that is due to reduced reflexes or due to the fact that my internet was slower than usual tonight. I did pretty bad which kinda increases the reliability of it, because normally I get really anxious with bad scores and "ragequit" or get that "electrical" type of anxiety in my mind which makes me worse at the game, and frustrates me. It didn't happen this time.

We will have to see if the effects carry over to real life situations at all. I just need something to let me go into the cafeteria, get food, find a seat, eat, and maybe try to talk to someone, all without panicking or freaking out. Also, I need to work up the courage to tell those people about what they need to do to their computers to fix the error for compsci. Those are my goals.

The only thing I regret is that if I tell them the error, I am going to have to dodge the truth about how I knew it Friday. That hardly seems like a friendly thing to do, but I think it would simplify things, and they will never know. Forgive me, guys. It can't be helped.

Well, today I feel tired. Not the best day so far, but there are some positives (not many though)

Calc was okay. Nothing special. We learned about limits which I already know about thanks to my precalc teacher. I am actually kinda thankful to my precalc teacher now because she taught us good formatting and math vocabulary which this teacher actually requires and uses, and while most students don't understand it or groan about showing a lot of work, I am used to showing it in obsessive detail, so it is actually kinda a relief that I don't have to show every single step, and it doesn't seem too demanding to me.

English was okay. We had a lecture, and thankfully the same person did not sit next to me, so it was not awkward. I just hope that I was not the reason that she moved. I hope she did not think I was the one mirroring her or something or was freaked out by the fact that the rapport happened, or just decided she didn't want to sit beside me. Oh well, though. What can you do if that is the case? Nothing.

Chem was actually a little better than the other days. I got a solid grasp on basic things that I should have understood better in AP chem. She said we will have to have one group of 3 on the lab, so I am hoping I will be in it. I think maybe I can get in a 3 group with some people I knew in HS, and it will be okay. Maybe some poor soul will think I will make a good partner and will ask me to work with them. If not, I will probably be the last person without a partner, and I assume that no one will have to work alone, and it would be rude to choose single over a 3 group or a partner.

I didn't eat lunch again even though I had the card and everything. I was afraid of having to find a seat/table. I would have ended up sitting alone, and then sometimes when that has happened in the past, people have asked me if I want to sit with them, and I can never tell if it is an actual offer, or if it is one of those things you say and expect the other person to refuse, but you say it anyway because it makes the person feel better. Plus, that just makes me look even more strange, to sit alone at a large lunch table.

So, I just stayed in the 4th floor of the IC(instructional complex). It was pretty chill. There were a few other people on computers and stuff, which cleared up something. There are plugs on the floor, and I was wondering if you were allowed to plug in your electronics and use them there. I saw a few people doing it, so I assume it is okay to do. I think I am going to bring an old laptop Monday and use it in my down time because it is kinda tedious to use my phone for most things when I have a full two hours I could be using my computer with.

Compsci was okay, but I really felt like I jerk because a guy behind me was having a problem that I knew the solution to, and I couldn't tell him. The teacher even said she didn't know and asked if any of us did. I did, but I didn't say anything, and it felt like the who class was secretly staring at me in their minds. I know they have no way of knowing that I knew the solution, but I feel like they hate me now because of it. I mean, I know better, but I still feel that way. I wanted to help the guy, too, but I was being selfish and being afraid that it wouldn't work and then he would think it was an idiot or something, and on top of that I was just scared to initiate a conversation in the first place. Now that I think about it, I don't think I talked the whole day except for once in the morning when I reciprocated greetings to the guy in my clac class.

The people are still being nice and polite, but I am increasingly feeling unwelcome inside. I don't know if I am just imagining it, or if it is real.

On a more positive note, I did wave to an old guy who was taking his dogs out when I was walking from my car to the school, and he waved back and smiled. I also exchanged a hello type of look and smile with a different old guy on the way back to the car.

I just feel really, really tired....

[ Continued ]

This morning had a bit of a hurdle because I had to fill up the gas in my car. I didn't know how to do it, but I called my mother and she gave me instructions, so it wasn't too bad. I was confused about how to prepay if you don't know the exact amount of gas you car needs, but it turns out you just have to go in and tell the guy you want to fill up and give him the credit card, then you pump it and return for your card, and he charges based on how much you used. The cashier was distracted with takling to someone and only partially paying me attention, so that helped with some of the anxiety of talking to him. It also kinda comforted me that there was another youngish looking dude pumping gas, and after I was going in, he asked me how to pay, and I told him. So that was doubly good. I got to interact with someone and help them out, and it was comforting to know that I was not stupid for not understanding how it worked.

But today was pretty uneventful at school. For now I only have the one class on Thursdays(sociology).

Not much to say about class. I sat in a different seat, and I kinda felt bad because the class is really full, so i forced someone else to sit in my original, bad seating position. I guess that is how it works, though: First come, first serve. Plus, a lot of other people were scrambled around the room, so it was not just me that was in a different seat.

Afterwards, I went and got my meal plan activated. I mentioned a few days back that I had bought one, but I actually never ended up activating it because there was a huge line, and I had to get to class. Well, I have been nervous about going and activating it now that the time is passed when you would normally do it, but it was fine. I think it was actually the chef who was in the meal office when I went in (he was wearing what looked like a chef outfit), and he activated my plan for me. He was nice, too, and everything was fine.

On the way home, I was on the road where my house is, and there was a woman in front of me who stopped her car to pick up some litter on the side of the road and signaled me to pass and waved to me as I went by. I waved back and smiled. I just wanted to write that because I love when people do that kind of thing. It makes me feel safe to know that there are good people like that.

Feeling that people secretly hate me are growing, but I am trying to fight them, and I think occasionally interacting with people and seeing them genuinely glad to talk to me helps keep the feelings away.