Well, today I feel tired. Not the best day so far, but there are some positives (not many though)

Calc was okay. Nothing special. We learned about limits which I already know about thanks to my precalc teacher. I am actually kinda thankful to my precalc teacher now because she taught us good formatting and math vocabulary which this teacher actually requires and uses, and while most students don't understand it or groan about showing a lot of work, I am used to showing it in obsessive detail, so it is actually kinda a relief that I don't have to show every single step, and it doesn't seem too demanding to me.

English was okay. We had a lecture, and thankfully the same person did not sit next to me, so it was not awkward. I just hope that I was not the reason that she moved. I hope she did not think I was the one mirroring her or something or was freaked out by the fact that the rapport happened, or just decided she didn't want to sit beside me. Oh well, though. What can you do if that is the case? Nothing.

Chem was actually a little better than the other days. I got a solid grasp on basic things that I should have understood better in AP chem. She said we will have to have one group of 3 on the lab, so I am hoping I will be in it. I think maybe I can get in a 3 group with some people I knew in HS, and it will be okay. Maybe some poor soul will think I will make a good partner and will ask me to work with them. If not, I will probably be the last person without a partner, and I assume that no one will have to work alone, and it would be rude to choose single over a 3 group or a partner.

I didn't eat lunch again even though I had the card and everything. I was afraid of having to find a seat/table. I would have ended up sitting alone, and then sometimes when that has happened in the past, people have asked me if I want to sit with them, and I can never tell if it is an actual offer, or if it is one of those things you say and expect the other person to refuse, but you say it anyway because it makes the person feel better. Plus, that just makes me look even more strange, to sit alone at a large lunch table.

So, I just stayed in the 4th floor of the IC(instructional complex). It was pretty chill. There were a few other people on computers and stuff, which cleared up something. There are plugs on the floor, and I was wondering if you were allowed to plug in your electronics and use them there. I saw a few people doing it, so I assume it is okay to do. I think I am going to bring an old laptop Monday and use it in my down time because it is kinda tedious to use my phone for most things when I have a full two hours I could be using my computer with.

Compsci was okay, but I really felt like I jerk because a guy behind me was having a problem that I knew the solution to, and I couldn't tell him. The teacher even said she didn't know and asked if any of us did. I did, but I didn't say anything, and it felt like the who class was secretly staring at me in their minds. I know they have no way of knowing that I knew the solution, but I feel like they hate me now because of it. I mean, I know better, but I still feel that way. I wanted to help the guy, too, but I was being selfish and being afraid that it wouldn't work and then he would think it was an idiot or something, and on top of that I was just scared to initiate a conversation in the first place. Now that I think about it, I don't think I talked the whole day except for once in the morning when I reciprocated greetings to the guy in my clac class.

The people are still being nice and polite, but I am increasingly feeling unwelcome inside. I don't know if I am just imagining it, or if it is real.

On a more positive note, I did wave to an old guy who was taking his dogs out when I was walking from my car to the school, and he waved back and smiled. I also exchanged a hello type of look and smile with a different old guy on the way back to the car.

I just feel really, really tired. I think that is reasonable considering all the new environment and everything, and all the stress.

There is also that empty, vacuum sort of feeling in between my stomach and my ribs, but that happens when I feel isolated and sorta depressed like this. It is not too bad right now, but it is there, and I don't like it.

I'm not sure if my quotes are going to look right or not, but I am going to try anyways so that it is clear what I am referring to.

[quote="brainslug"] English was okay. We had a lecture, and thankfully the same person did not sit next to me, so it was not awkward. I just hope that I was not the reason that she moved. I hope she did not think I was the one mirroring her or something or was freaked out by the fact that the rapport happened, or just decided she didn't want to sit beside me. Oh well, though. What can you do if that is the case? Nothing. [/quote]

I highly doubt she noticed the mirroring, people are usually caught up in their own thoughts/concerns and do not observe others a whole lot...I felt embarrassed the other day because I ran into a co-worker out of the office and she immediately recognized me from work, but I don't remember ever seeing her before. Basically, my point is that people do not pay a whole lot of attention to each other. There are some interesting psychological studies on this...I just can't think of the names of any right now.

[quote="brainslug"] I didn't eat lunch again even though I had the card and everything. I was afraid of having to find a seat/table. I would have ended up sitting alone, and then sometimes when that has happened in the past, people have asked me if I want to sit with them, and I can never tell if it is an actual offer, or if it is one of those things you say and expect the other person to refuse, but you say it anyway because it makes the person feel better. Plus, that just makes me look even more strange, to sit alone at a large lunch table. [/quote]

Is there somewhere else you can eat, like a smaller lounge area, outside on a bench, in your car? I ended not eating lunch pretty much every day of high school because of AvPD concerns and it is a bad pattern to get into. I think it is okay to sit alone at a large table and if someone asks you to join them I would take it as an actual offer. I've found that when people are being just polite its usually something non-committal like "Hey we should get together sometime," but asking you to join them is like they are ready to engage with you and talk.

[quote="brainslug"] Compsci was okay, but I really felt like I jerk because a guy behind me was having a problem that I knew the solution to, and I couldn't tell him. The teacher even said she didn't know and asked if any of us did. I did, but I didn't say anything, and it felt like the who class was secretly staring at me in their minds. I know they have no way of knowing that I knew the solution, but I feel like they hate me now because of it. I mean, I know better, but I still feel that way. I wanted to help the guy, too, but I was being selfish and being afraid that it wouldn't work and then he would think it was an idiot or something, and on top of that I was just scared to initiate a conversation in the first place. [/quote]

You will have to keep reminding yourself that sometimes your thoughts are irrational. You know that the class did not know that you knew the answer, so just keep replacing that thought with something else when it comes to your mind. Plus, it is not your responsibility to teach the class. When I got called in during class I was so afraid of giving a potentially wrong answer (even though it was almost always right), that I would simply say "I don't know" and avoid the question so I would not look stupid or something...even though I never cared if my classmates gave wrong answers. Giving the answers in class can be a high difficulty social situation for AvPD, it can bring a lot of judgment being the center of attention, etc.

Thanks for the information about people not noticing stuff like mirroring too often.

About the lunch, I could eat on the 4th floor of the IC. They have vending machines, and I saw someone bring a lunch in from outside and eat it there. I think I am going to take the GABA-helpers and just try to push through eating in the cafeteria and see how it goes. Yeah, I plan on just taking the offer if they offer me to sit with them. I don't get hungry easily, though, so it is not too bad if I have to skip a meal. It literally takes me a day without eating before I get really hungry (at meals, I feel like "I kinda want food", but it is not like I am starving or something), and even then I can ignore it. I just eat because I know I have to

Yes. I must keep reminding myself that the thoughts are irrational. Thanks for the comment.