Here we go. Last night (at midnight while I was asleep), she sent me a text confirming the meeting time. So confusing.

Anyway, I woke up about 3am and checked my phone which was a bad idea because I wan't able to fully get back to sleep.

I don't really have any good clothes to wear, I wore both sets of khakis I have to school. I am sure jeans will be okay.

I am kinda nervous, I have to admit, but I am glad it is happening. 11:20, here we go. I am probably going to end of getting there early, I am going to leave a bit earlier than I think it will take me to get there. I hope to be about 10 or so minutes early, and I can wait for her there. I know there is a waiting kind of room before you walk in.

So, wish me luck. I will need it.

I am still not certain if it is a date. I figure I will try to pay for it if I am still uncertain at the end, but I certainly hope I won't be uncertain at the end.

Like I said yesterday, this time between texts is really getting to me. I mean, I guess you aren't supposed to text 24/7, but this is like unnecessary time between texts. I don't know if you could even wait this long without trying to. Maybe I am just unable to wait for a human amount of time right now.

I don't know, though. She was texting me during the day, each of us alternating between classes. We got a place worked out and presumably a time, but... she hasn't confirmed the time. I don't know if she has to check it against her other plans or something, but it has been a long time now.

I don't know. Half the time, I am always worried about it. Half the time, I am thinking that she doesn't really want to go eat or isn't interested because you would think that she would confirm the time or something... I don't know. I don't know, and I am thinking that I like it better to believe that she doesn't like me than to be in perpetual questioning of what is going on. Still, I have to have patience and just relax (although the relaxing part is kinda difficult to do when the meet is planned to be tomorrow, but she hasn't texted back confirming the time I asked about... I mean, it seems like it is cutting it close, to me.

But I am trying to play it cool, not obsessively texting her or anything. I have to remain calm or else I screw it all up. This is so difficult. What kind of cruel joke is this that society is making where you can't try to solve a problem or else you fail it? Having to wait like this kills me. I mean, I don't have any choice but to sit here and hope. Not to say I don't deserve it from what happened in the past, but I am going insane.

Balancing detached and attached is so difficult. It is so difficult to not appear overattached or annoying but not be cold either. I don't know how people do it, especially at this sort of stage where nothing is concrete, and she could just change her mind or find another guy, or I could say something wrong that puts her off. There was a skating game I used to play with my stepbrother, and we made a custom map once and just rode on the rail for the longest amount of time to see who could get the highest points. You had to keep the marker in the middle of a meter with the joystick, it couldn't go too far to one side, and it became more and more difficult to control and the tension built in your head, and eventually you would just drop the controller and lose because it's just too much. That is how this feels right now, but I have to keep it centered. I can't fall off now.

It is driving me insane. I would bet that there is a 50% chance of her backing out. I don't know, though. I can't assess the odds. I can't do it. I don't know much about this kind of stuff, and she behaves so erratically anyway (not meant as a insult) that it is difficult to tell what is up with her based on how normal people behave. I mean, part of the behavior is why I like her, but it is so difficult to read her without looking at body language and hearing voice tone. Text messages have to be the worst form of communication invented because they don't convey much at all, just words, and sometimes emoticons, but you can't use emoticons all the time, so you can't always know the mood and tone. When you are talking to someone, it is a constant info stream, and that is how I would like it. I don't like having gaps that I have to fill in myself because I fill them in with my neuroticism.

I don't know if I am going to be able to work through this. I don't know if actually being in the relationship would be this anxiety provoking. I would like to think no, but something tells me yes. Still, lets just take it as it happens. If a relationship happens, I will have to deal with whatever it entails then, not now.

I NEED to get through this. It is essential for my mental health. I need for the situation to happen and be done with so that I can either get exposure or get improvement in quality of life.

Tomorrow, it happens. The...

[ Continued ]

I don't think I will ever understand myself, I might as well just stop trying and go with it.

It is actually getting to a point now where NOT talking to her is more anxiety provoking, and it is extremely relaxing to talk to her.

How does my brain do that maneuver? That's a lot of neurogenesis that has to be going on (thanks piracetam ).

Anyway, I ballzed up and just texted her about 12:00. Like I said, it is actually easier for me to just talk to her than to avoid it now. Still difficult for me to talk to everyone else, but I guess she is annexed into my safe-zone or something. I don't know, and who does?

Anyway, I was kinda worried that it isn't actually her, but somebody new with the old phone number because maybe she changed her number when she got a new phone, but that is kinda a silly worry, I think. I mean, what are the chances that someone would go along with it? And that if even if she had actually changed her number, which she probably didn't because she hasn't in the past when getting a new phone, and she kept the same provider (the only one that works where we live, ha ha).

I wouldn't say that it is 100% certain that it is her, but probably 98% or 99%, and I am happy that I can settle for that percentage, ha ha.

Anyway, she always texts like a girl texts and it is confusing. So many expressive types of things, it is confusing. I really just want to see her in person so that I can (kinda) judge the situation. It is funny how, when you aren't terrified of talking to someone, you would rather talk to them in person than by writing.

The gap between each message kills me, especially with such uncertainty. Still, having realistic hope is one of the best feelings. Still, it is difficult to fully imagine us actually dating. It is difficult to imagine that I would be dating. I don't know, I just feel like it would be absurd somehow. Maybe soon I will have the chance to change my vote on the dating poll to "currently in a relationship"

I keep thinking that the time between messages means that she doesn't like me. But the tone of the messages are overwhelmingly positive. I don't know. Just so tough to interpret. I am trying to not think about it. If this is the only good time I will get, I don't want to ruin it with worrying.

I have no idea why I suddenly find it easy to take up this "now or never" attitude and just talk to her. I think I have come to the conclusion that in the first few weeks following when I start taking the racetams after a break from them, I have a really almost hypomanic episode. It happened the other time I took a break as well.

I am feeling a bit dulled in a strange way, similar to last summer's. I think it may be significant that, when I am in a down mood, my thoughts seem more clear and deeper. I guess they are more flowing when I am down, and more sharp when I am in a good mood.

In school, I have felt a bit more distracted. Of course, that makes sense, with me constantly waiting for the next message. It seems like she is the only thing I can concentrate on. It is kinda annoying since there is such a lack of stimuli.



So, back to the real world. Despite the fact that so far, I have only been writing about the girl, these have, in fact, been my first two days back at college.

Time for the abridged version while I can concentrate on it.

My first class of the day is Interpersonal Communications. I really, really like the idea of it. It is actually about how to have and keep good relationships with friends, spouses, etc. I didn't even know they had a formal theory for this. The thought makes me giddy. I wish I would have taken this class first semester. I could have been using the skills right now to talk to the girl!!!

Then is statistics, which is okay. I wish it...

[ Continued ]

So, I am thinking there may be a facebook error going on. I am also thinking that my thinking that there may be a facebook error is possibly a sign of really unhealthy thought.

The last message still hasn't been marked as read, despite the fact that she has been online. That is certainly odd. You would think it would have at least bugged her enough to open it to make the notification go away. Plus, when I sent it, it had an error sending the first time.

And last night, I got a notification on my phone about her sending me a message, but it went away when I pulled down the drop-down where you look at notification (I don't know if that was the cause or if it just went away quickly after I got it, because I was basically staring at my phone and tried to look it at it immediately).

This obsessing stuff is killing me. I can't stand this feeling of not knowing. I feel like it is literally killing me, damaging my health (mental and physical).

I already sent her a direct message on twitter. I am afraid to send one otherwise for the fear of looking... crazy. I think I still have her phone number. I am thinking about texting her today during the day time.

I don't know. The situation does not compute. It has been over a day since contact. This is uncharacteristic of her, so I assume it is an error. If she wanted me to leave her alone, I am almost certain she would have said something.

Gah, why is everything so difficult? I can't tell what is the crazy part of me, and what part is the sane part. Maybe both are crazy?

Well, I am feeling a bit neurotic about the situation. Things aren't happening fast enough, it seems, which is funny because I have always thought that things like this happen too fast.

I messaged her about when we should meet, telling her the times I have open, and she said that would have to check her schedule because she didn't know what time her classes were. The way she said it was friendly, so I am not worried about it. I gave a pretty poor response, though, just like an affirmation, nothing joking (or that kind of joking type of thing, happy talking, ha ha) like the rest of the conversation. That has been worrying me a little. I feel like I should have kept the conversation flowing. I would prefer to be still talking to her, but I was thinking she would look at the schedule, and we would work out a time, and then meet up today or tomorrow.

She still hasn't gotten back to me, which is worrying. I mean, she obviously knows her schedule now. She had to go to school today. No big deal, though. It doesn't mean rejection. It doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't think it is a date. It isn't a specifically good sign, but it isn't too bad either.

I am just trying to relax and go with the flow. I mean, it has been one day. It feels like an eternity, but one day. That is all. I don't think that dates necessarily have to be arranged immediately, but I think it is best if they are arranged pretty quickly. I am kind worried, but oh well. What am I going to do about it?

I just need to relax. My blood pressure was pretty high yesterday night (155/103 according to a home reader, but that could be higher than reality). I drank some camomile tea and got it down to 133/82, so it was fine. I still need to take it today to see if it is any better. I have a bit of a headache, but maybe I am just being a hypochondriac.

Worrying isn't going to do anything. What is done is done. I just have to wait. If it doesn't work out, then that is too bad. I can't be worrying about it.