Last night, I was watching Monk before bed, and I was checking my twitter, and I think I understand the premise behind the character, Monk. I feel like it is obvious now. Probably a lot of other people have already come to the conclusion, but it was an amazing realization to me. Maybe I am reading too far into this.

I've always thought that monk is OCD but has a good memory. It is a gift and a curse to be him because he has a good memory and attention to detail, but he is OCD, so he can't forget dangers, etc.

However, I think that it is really the author's play on obsessions, not just in an OCD sense.

Everyone has been obsessed with something in their life, crush, love, child, something. So, when you are obsessed with something, you remember an abnormal amount of detail about it and make a lot of connections to it, even though those connections are probably not true. When you are obsessed with something, everything possible is going to link back to it.

I was sitting on twitter, and I saw that the girl posted something about dubstep. That made me remember when she was asking me about what my favorite music was, and I said that I didn't know, that dubstep was pretty good. Really, I don't have much of a preference for any specific kind of music (and she doesn't either). I know that the last guy she was dating liked country music, and the guy before that liked rock music. In each case, she takes up the kind of music that the guy she is dating likes. I was kinda feeling good because... the pattern is in my favor. Obviously, there are a lot of reasons for her to listen to dubstep. My insane reasoning is... insane.

But then it hit me that the same kind of thought is what the guy based the Monk character on. The difference is that monk is obsessed with everything. That is why everything connects for him. I think that is how the author thought up the character, by thinking something like "When you are obsessed with something, you remember every single detail, and you try to form every connection, so what would happen to a man who is obsessed with everything in the world? He would be the best person to solve problems, a perfect detective."

So, it isn't that Monk is able to act in spite of his phobias and everything. He has a different kind of mind. The phobias are because of the same thing, the excessive connection forming.

That actually puts a new light on the phrase "It's a gift... and a curse."

Who knows, maybe I'm right
Maybe I should have known this all along, ha ha

Maybe I should stop watching Monk.

I think it makes me more neurotic or encouraging me to stay neurotic, ha ha.

I was thinking about the line that he says in one of the episodes, something like "I am so tired... of being me" or something like that.

I think that is accurate.

Surely there is a disorder for obsessions like this.

Is it asperger's? Is that what is wrong with me? I sure hope not BECAUSE THERE ISN'T A CURE!!!!

This is a horrible partnership of problems, obsession with someone and social anxiety/avoidance. There should be a dark duo, and this would be it.

But I don't know, those two obviously aren't the only things wrong with me. Too much emotions, I guess is one. Does that make me histrionic? Histrionic that appears as avoidant and schizoid, holy 4###.

I would take lithium right now and be done with the crap if I would let me. But I don't want to dampen emotions. I need them, and I think I can be happy - I think so.

If I dampen emotions, I can't get better in other respects.

To tell the truth, I don't even know if lithium would help. I have always been so freaking emotional, crying all the time as a child, but I have had to, at the same time, NOT be emotional overtly because I am afraid to. Li is for bipolar, which I am not. I look like it sometimes writing here, but that's not it. It is something to do with feeling emotions too much or not knowing how to control them.

Everything seems to conflict. There is even conflict in my head. Why can't we all just get along. Why can't I just get along with myself? I can be rational. I can do science and math. Why can't I be rational in my own head?

The sulbutiamine, I like it.

It doesn't do much mentally. It's kinda hard to explain what it does. It makes me feel more comfortable. I feel good no matter how I sit. It is kinda like being cozy or something. Maybe more energy, but I wouldn't know because I don't try to do energy things.

I want to do the PGP. I want to see my genes. But they have an age floor of 21. 21? Why not 18? In a week, I will be able to consent. I will be able to be drafted. But I can't get my genome tested? I can't wait until I am 21. I need my genome. I want an idea of what is wrong inside my brain.

I feel like, if I can just find the right system, everything will be good. Like I am a gear grinding and slipping, but if I could just get locked in the match, I could do it. I don't know how true that is, but I will believe it because it is the best I have.

I think the reason I like Monk is because of his obsessions. The fact that he can't quit thinking about things, and I love it because it makes me feel like there is someone worse than me. Thanks, Tony Shalhoub, for being such a great actor. Monk is the best character. I feel so sorry for him, but it is comforting at the same time.

Also, my hair is too short. I look even worse than normal... not the goal.

I need to, at least, hurry and grow more facial hair. Such a bad idea to cut my hair last night. 3/4 is not this short on the other shaver. The new razor-thing has different sized cutter guards. I could swear my face changes, the bones change. The horizontal symmetry of my face HAS changed. I think it is facial hair that makes it look different. I don't know, though. My face is too heavy towards the center right now, and it is driving me insane.

I have a few pictures where it is balanced. The hair is longer, probably 1+1/4 inches. At least some facial hair. I need it.

The thing is, that part under your jaw, the part that fills in the hollow part partially encircled by your jaw is too low. It isn't fat. I don't really have much fat on my body. It is like tendons and stuff. The stuff above your thyroid. My jaw needs to be more defined, and facial hair does that.

Actually, I think I have gained fat in the past few days. My cheeks are more filled. I think I have more fat on my thighs. It think there is some on my stomach.

I'm not really complaining. I need fat. I am just saying,...

[ Continued ]

Gotta stow my baggage. Get ready for the crazy train trip tomorrow. Maybe I will be transferring if I am lucky.

Tomorrow. I plan on calling her or texting her and telling her to call me when she gets the chance. It looks like she is busy today, so I am not going to bother her now.

I have been planning what I am going to say.

Something like http://www.gliffy.com/gliffy/#d=4220010&t=Conversationflow

Of course, the conversation isn't going to go like that. It just makes me feel comfortable to write it out, ha ha.

The thing that is bothering me is, if it was a date and it had went well, we should have made another date by now. So, either 1. It wasn't a date, or 2. It did not go well.

Honestly, I don't know which one to hope for.

I did take some sulbutiamine again today, 1g. I don't know what to think. For the first few hours, I felt dizzy, but then I feel good. I still feel really good and focused/calm. The thing is, Within the first few hours, I seem to pee it out, or at least something to that effect because it smells like it, so I don't see why I feel good afterwords. Maybe a bit TMI there.

Still haven't talked to my mother. I don't know. I wish it was last year again (approx 1 year ago), but I was how I am now. Everything would be fixed. Or at least I would get hugs again. Or the part where she ran her fingers through my hair. Oh my god, I want. Or at least the part where we play-argued about pronunciation of voiced 'th'. On 2nd thought, I wanted the butterfinger. Also, I would have drank from the Dr. Pepper, I just thought it was flat because it was old, it wasn't a thing of not wanting to share drinks. Walking to the snack machine, locked arms, would be the best walk in the world again. Those where the times. I can't believe I was such an idiot. I almost want to read over my old entry(not on here) I wrote where I listed most of the stuff. I think it may be too much, though. I don't need anything to get me even more worked up. I think I remember all of it, anyway (well, I guess that is a bad thing in this situation).

Guilt and wanting are two emotions I could do without. An episodic memory wipe of the past few years would be nice too. Unless I can succeed.

She tried to be persistent. So should I. I wish I could get over stuff like normal people can.

Alright. Well, I can't know what is the BEST thing to do because I can't trust how I think. I don't know if I am being too harsh on myself, what.

I am now thinking it was almost certainly NOT a date, or at least not a date-date. It is apparent that she eats with a lot of people, friends, etc. So, I don't know. Now I don't really know what counts as a date, because she eats out with everybody, lunch, dinner, I don't know what this means.

Here are the very painful last few texts: [] are not in the actual text

Me: Despite the fact that I was so nervous, I did enjoy it. Text me in the future if you ever want to meet up again. [Worded so insecurely, and why did I even say anything about being nervous?]
Her: Why were you nervous??? [I think if it had been a date, she would have not been asking why]

[part omitted for extreme awkwardness, I can't look at it to transcribe it. I just evaded the question, and she said "ermmm okay"]

Me: Not a big deal, nothing your fault or anything. Just nervous today, is all. [Not only did I lie, but I did it so poorly, the worst lie I have ever read]
Her: Okay then. [... need I say anything? Not a good response. Almost rejection/leave me alone unspoken.]

I really screwed it up here. I wasn't that awkward talking in person, but, christ, someone with legit autism could have written better texts than me here (no offense to anyone with autism)

Should have just said "Hey, I enjoyed it, lets meet up again sometime soon." That would have been a good text, but I have to screw it over with my insecurities.

Still, I have made a decision.

I like this girl. Currently, I can't like any other girl. I must either date her or stop liking her. In order to stop liking her, I need to know that there is no chance of dating her.

I must try, to the utmost of my ability, to date her. It must be done. If I stop now, I will hate myself far more than if I keep going and royally screw everything up.

If I screw everything up, at least I can say "I tried to the best of my ability and she just didn't like me." But my intention is to date her, and I don't want to skirt around it. That is a goal, for her to by my girlfriend, not for her to be my friend or like me more. I must do what I need to do and act right. None of this "well, if I ask her out and she rejects me then things will be awkward between us." If things get awkward, I only have contact with her when I choose to.

First, I think I am going to do something. I am going to ask advice of my mother... not something I like to do. Expressing anything like this will make her unpredictable, and she generally isn't a good source of advice in these kinds of situations since she takes everything in emotion instead of rational. Talking and explaining it in real life should be easier, though. It is tough on the internet to explain this kind of thing because I have to provide the correct details, and that is much easier when someone can react in real time. I figure she may be able to give me some advice on how to make it into a date.

So, lets do this.

I don't know when I will text her. I think I am going to have to take initiative again after that last text...

I feel sorry for her, subjected to my supreme awkwardness.

I feel like she doesn't like me anymore. I am late to the bat. Still, I have to try... since I was the one that put her in the friend-zone, I have to get her out if she wants to come out. Otherwise we will each be in each other's friend zone.

To make an expression that I like someone as more than a friend is the most difficult thing for me to even imagine doing, but it is needed.

Rejection is probable, but acceptation is possible, and possible is really all I need. 1% is a good enough percent.

If she liked me before, she could like me now, or at least, it isn't too far-fetched.

Yeah.... it is safe to say I won't be changing my poll choice anytime soon. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being me doing poorly and 10 being me doing well, I would say I was at about a 2. That being said, I think it was SUPPOSED TO BE a date (well, about 60%).

I don't really know how I feel about this.

She was so, so beautiful. I can't describe it, and it is so intimidating. I don't know. Just everything about her seems so perfect. I can't understand.

Basically, I don't think I was even really "there" for most of it.

But let me start from the beginning.

So, I left about 10:10. First mistake, there. I got there at about 10:45. The meet wasn't scheduled until 11:20. She texted me, as I was driving, that she had overslept and would be late. So, I got there, and I waited in my car. Then, 11:25, she said she was just leaving. So, I waited more, and she got there about 11:45. So, my spirits were kinda down that she would oversleep, but that kind of thing happens, and I wanted to still be able to enjoy it.

So, we went in, and I opened the door for her. We sat down. The people working there were nice. We sat at a booth with the two of us.

She ordered an enchilada, and I ordered a burrito. We kinda talked, kinda. But not really conversational. It never flowed. It wasn't awkward per say, it just wasn't good. We talked about a few things, and laughed a little, but it wasn't some kind of grand, happy time, and sometimes, we were just sitting there with nothing to talk about at all. That connection wasn't really there, either. We were both really reserved and everything. I didn't know what to ask her. I asked how she was, how she liked the new semester, how she did last semester, she said something about changing her major, and I asked her about that. She asked how my mom was doing, we talked some about professors.

I had trouble with my hands shaking and trying to eat, but she acted like she didn't notice.

She wouldn't let me pay for her, and she left the tip (and gave me a look that she does and told me not to when I tried to add more to it). Sadly, that look was the most connection that was there.

No hug or anything afterwards, just "bye", and she said that she had a good time, but I don't know how sincere it was. It wasn't a "I had a good timeee!" or "I had a GOOD TIME" like a flirty kind of way, just like an "I enjoyed it" kind of "I had a good time".

It felt like a hybrid between a date and a friendly meeting.

In the words of Monk, I'm not man. I'm a mutant. Half man, half wuss. I'm a muss.

I guess, in the spirit of completionism, I need to text her and tell her I had a good time and to text me if she want to get back together. Still, it feels like a losing battle. There was my happiness for this 6 months. Fun while I lasted, I guess.

I just can't get over how beautiful she was today... truly amazing. I didn't think it was possible for a human being to look so good. Why does my mind have to work like this?

I want it to be a year ago, today. I would gladly suffer through AP classes again to be able to fix this. I would give 10 points off my IQ for one more hug (as long as it was a good hug like that one time).

I know there was a time when I could talk to people right. I was still strange, but I could carry conversations and have fun. Why can't that happen anymore?