So, I started a new semester and made it through the first week. Yay! I have a lot of homework and a lot to do, like every semester. I'm getting close to my student teaching, where I think I"ll have to quit my job to stay healthy and apply for Social Security Insurance to keep my medications affordable. Being professional scares me. So many questions. McDonald's is my first job and it's not "hard" in the way being a band teacher is; there's no theory, and history, and tests, and papers. But it's stress, it's the need to be fast and effective and it takes me a little longer to get fast at something. So I'm scared that when I become a band director I'm going to be floating out on my own, messing up all over, with no one to correct me, only yell at me. My teacher said it will be ok. I think after student teaching I will feel better about it. I've been in school so long its hard to imagine being 3 semesters away from being a teacher.

Holy crap I'm an adult!

My brother got some parkinsons books, as he's going to the doctor next week. So I decided to get some bipolar books. It put my mind at rest for having a job, but more questions came up. Some bipolar people don't work or are self employed. I love music so much I can't imagine doing anything else....but what if instead of having my fingers cut off I'm just...not able to do it? Music is very stressful, which is bad ju-ju. Its one of the hardest majors because there are so many credit hours, so many ensembles, so much practice, who can do it all? And do it all well!? I shouldn't let this get to me, but I just have a horrible fear of failure.