Let me note that this my trigger. Let me also note that I am not suicidal.

I am doing fine now. A couple of days ago the normal stress of normal stuff got to me. I cut. It was stupid and I recommend not doing it. I started in early high school for attention, not any attention. I knew something was wrong, I wanted to scream out to the world "Please, somebody, notice that something is not right with me, notice I am struggling, notice that I need help." But no body noticed, perhaps because I appeared very cheerful, aside from random bursts of anger, frustration, and depression. My grades were always good, I emerged myself in study and music. Music always was steady. Practice and you do well. People didn't see the depression very often. They just thought I was weird. Society is very cold. One person saw, one person helped. I can't understand if it was the kindness in his heart or the fear of guilt. He is not mentioned anymore, because his sight is blinded and his heart is cold. Sometimes I dream about him, how I always imagined him, not how he is. He kept me going through high school where I had no diagnosis, no answers.

Now I do have answers, I should know better and know how to control myself. No one tells me about coping skills. I haven't seen my therapist yet and my psych people are very...right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing and have some pills. Very frustrating. I called the crisis center. For the first time someone helped out side me and Fiance.

Fiance was furious, upset, betrayed. He almost sent me to be 96ed, though it wasn't suicide it was just frustration. We almost went to the hospital because it was a deeper than normal cut. It wasn't hospital worthy, just a little scary. I don't blame him, though. I was stupid and made him worry. He should leave me. Sometimes I believe I am unfixable or I don't want to be fixed. Sometimes I give up. I think he stays because I keep trying, I keep looking for how to live and be normal when my head is not. I love him very much and it is hard to go through this and know that he is having to be stronger than most to be with me. Sometimes I want him to go, to be happy, but I cannot bear the thought of being alone, as Fiance is my best friend and the first person to treat me right and understand me and it the best he can. He Who Was Mentioned Before tried. I think it was some kindness and some love, but not the same as Fiance. Which is why Fiance is a named so (eventually we will have to change his name, hopefully.) I have such hatred to myself for putting such a burden on him and such a fear that it will be too much and I will be alone. I must get better. I do not know how long I can be sick before something horrible happens and I do not know how much more he can stand of sick days.

Sending you hugs hon. I am so sorry to hear you have been struggling. Please look after yourself and keep very safe.

Hugs

Cracked