I can't post this on facebook because my friends and teachers at school will read it and I will be in trouble. I am not happy with how things are going and I'm not allowed to say that.

I'm in quintet. I have been for 4 years and I'm tired of it. No one else has to do it like I do. They do it for a year or two and they have other classes and other things to do. This year I started work at McDonald's. I can only work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday because I get too stressed and tired after school. I can't work a whole lot of hours because of how much school I have and my bipolar. I want to graduate without taking 6 or 7 years, so I can't drop a class I need to do something not in my scholarship or requirements. I do it because my teacher says I have to; I'll be a better musician. I love the group, but I'm in two ensembles and a bunch of classes. I don't have the time for it. Graduation and money to eat and pay for meds beats being a better musician. Here's the second problem, my teacher gives private 1 hour lessons. She has a studio of close to 10 clarinets, two flutes, and two bassoons, on top of going to faculty senate, teaching music history, and a clarinet trio. Its hard to find a time that works for her. It took a lot to tell her I won't come in on weekends. But now she wants to do Friday after band. I don't get lunch, I wouldn't have dinner and go into work. I would change my schedule, but they're already majorly cutting hours. I don't need to give them another reason to "hate" me. Fast food is a horrible place to work. *sigh* It's a major stressor right now. I wish my doctor could give me a note to get out of it. ha.

Anyways. I changed to Pristiq and nothing bad has happened yet. And I lost two pounds. Everything else is same-old-same-old. I'm going to apply for hobby lobby and get po' people insurance. I don't care if I have to clean the bathroom. I can get discounts on craft stuff. I hope. Right now I'm painting stained class butterfly things. So cute, so fun. Makes up for the quintet from hell.

Got that off my chest.

I went to the Missouri Music Educators Association teacher in-service conference this week. AMAZING! I feel better and I feel like I should practice. I play bassoon and there's only two at my college right now. I poked at grad schools and I'm looking forward to having a bassoon studio and a reed room. My teacher plays clarinet, though she studied bassoon and she's good at it. It's not the same. I met bassoonist and it was wonderful and nerd-tastic. We like to congregate and nerd off to each other about bassoon. In short, I found my kind and we talked about nerdy geeky stuff.

I'm seeing my doctor Tuesday. I found out that one of my managers and classmate see the same doctor. Cool. I'm asking for a change of meds. I get way too tired, way too early and way too easy. It's destroying life. I need to be able to make it through the day. I need to work on my coping skills, but this is insane. I'm tired of getting pudgier too. I'm in my 20's I shouldn't out grow things until I reproduce. I also need to ask for a better way to pay for meds as my job is a lot of stress. darn you fast food. We are scum of the earth. I don't feel like I have a severe bipolar problem. We caught it sort of early so I think I can manage like a normal person. I don't feel so alone in my struggles. I don't feel like I'm a messed up piece of junk that nobody sees the true value of. I'm not an annoying kid who loves band, no, I'm a creative person with a creative mind. I deal with emotions differently and I feel a different kind of pain. I'm going to ask for therapy. I need some stress ninja skills.

I got some bipolar help books. That's going well. One helps identify triggers and symptoms and such like, to help better communicate with your doctor. I have a cat, a loving fiance, faith, and chocolate. I think I'm ok.

Ooo, awesome quote “Religion is for people who are scared to go to hell. Spirituality is for people who have already been there.” Bonnie Raittthe path to spirituality

So, I started a new semester and made it through the first week. Yay! I have a lot of homework and a lot to do, like every semester. I'm getting close to my student teaching, where I think I"ll have to quit my job to stay healthy and apply for Social Security Insurance to keep my medications affordable. Being professional scares me. So many questions. McDonald's is my first job and it's not "hard" in the way being a band teacher is; there's no theory, and history, and tests, and papers. But it's stress, it's the need to be fast and effective and it takes me a little longer to get fast at something. So I'm scared that when I become a band director I'm going to be floating out on my own, messing up all over, with no one to correct me, only yell at me. My teacher said it will be ok. I think after student teaching I will feel better about it. I've been in school so long its hard to imagine being 3 semesters away from being a teacher.

Holy crap I'm an adult!

My brother got some parkinsons books, as he's going to the doctor next week. So I decided to get some bipolar books. It put my mind at rest for having a job, but more questions came up. Some bipolar people don't work or are self employed. I love music so much I can't imagine doing anything else....but what if instead of having my fingers cut off I'm just...not able to do it? Music is very stressful, which is bad ju-ju. Its one of the hardest majors because there are so many credit hours, so many ensembles, so much practice, who can do it all? And do it all well!? I shouldn't let this get to me, but I just have a horrible fear of failure.

First, I really like the forums here. At school I can't talk to people about being bipolar. There's a girl who has expressed her lack of understanding of why someone would commit suicide. She's never had depression or bipolar, so I can see from her point it's hard to see how miserable life is when you have a wrapped sense of reality. Here, everyone seems very nice, very understanding, and very willing to support. One site I found had a section that said people with bipolar type II are lucky for not having full mania. I don't consider myself lucky to be type II, I still have major depression episodes. It could be worse, but that's a horrible thing to tell someone.

Second, my insurance started 4 days before my hospital visit. I can pay my bill!

Finally, I talked to an old friend today. He's becoming a priest and I'm happy for him. I think he'll be good at it. His brother is having some hard times though. I feel bad for him. A lot of my friends from high school seem pregnant, or divorced, and some even into drugs, the bad kind. I realized, being in a major I love, being with a supportive fiance, and living away from my verbally abusive mother makes life pretty sweet. Its not perfect by any means, I'm still po', but I'm darn grateful I have it this good.

Good news, got a lot of good stuff for Christmas, including internet.
Bad news, my brother might have Parkinson disease. His legs will get painful spasms so he's going to Cali to see a specialist and get things taken care of. He also can't help me with my medical bill. So I feel selfish for having to ask, and I feel super bad that he's sick because he's the nicest guy EVER. He will literally give the shirt off his back for someone.
The other good news. when he gets stuff taken care of, he can help me. phew. I just have to get by til then.
The other other good news, I survived a few days with my mom. How my brother is so nice and wonderful after coming out of her, I have no idea.