Today, I am in a very good mood: I visited my therapist, and she wasn't mad at me for having no self discipline and acting lame!, something I kind of expected. And I have new hope I will somehow finish my thesis since I made a plan with my therapist. This time I HAVE to work harder and I am going to look for a job. Maybe cleaning or something, I will do anything. I think sitting at home makes someone feeling down too, because then you are of no use for society and thats not good for your self esteem.
But anyway. I'm glad my therapist is soo positive and always has a solution when I think its too late for that.

The other reason for my good mood is that I am going to do something with my mother (beauty salon or something) because of the vacation, and I am going to learn Spanish with a good friend of mine, and Hollands Next Top Model and Project Catwalk are on tv (I looove these programs. Gay men complaining about sewing and gossiping about others, more hilarious than any fiction )

AND I found out what Davids mommy looks like is so I can copy her. She doesn't look like my avatar, obviously. She isn't even platinum blonde. But, she is really young looking and pretty for her age, in my opinion. If I looked like that when I was a forty/fifty something I wouldn't complain. She is a bit overweight but I think that looks better on older people cause then they have less wrinkles. Her clothing style is casual. I thought she would always wear a blouse at least, to look professional, but no. Interesting! I am so happy the mystery is solved. In this digital age, you can not keep ANYTHING secret for me, David You should have known that when you said I had to quit "interfering with your life"

Arghh. It always goes like this. You should have seen my blogs from six years ago. They are as horribly pessimistic as this one. And then I look back at them, and feel incredibly ashamed, like its not me but some monster that wrote it. But then I see that its totally me cause all my blogs turn out the same: they START kind of normal, sometimes even remotely funny, but quickly turn into a downward spiral of (self)hate and anger. And then I compare my weblog to that of others and I feel I am superficial and dumb and humiliated in comparison to them. This neverending cycle has to end. Now I will say something positive. I saw a very good movie today, its called "Sonny boy" its a Dutch movie about a Dutch woman who falls in love with a immigrant from Suriname but a lot of things go wrong (the ex man hates her, she doesn't see her children, they do not have money) and they get a child together but then WO2 starts and the end is really sad. The saddest thing is that it is based on real people. Anyway, now the positive thing turns again into something pessimistic but I watched it with my family so that was nice.
the rest of the day I just lay in bed or went "window shopping on the internet" planning to buy things, even though I don't even have a job, but its the only thing that keeps my mind off the rest of my life so yeah. And now you might think that my life is miserable up but it isn't. I have a perfect normal life but if I could only enjoy it... I am such a weak person. Oh no not again. I am going to bed now and I am really looking forward to it!! *sigh* before I finished my ocd rituals

Really. I am boring and I never say anything funny or intelligent in fact I mostly do not say anything at all except the obvious things that are more like, monotonous descriptions of the environment. No wonder they thought I had Aspergers, but my parents and therapist say I don't - well whatever, they just do not want me to be diagnosed with something because maybe that will make my life a little easier! And they want to see me suffer! Well, actually its more likely that they just think a diagnosis is good for nothing - but my therapist said "I have seen people with Aspergers syndrom, you're not like them" ok well maybe she isn't wrong after all. But anyway. My friends. I can not believe that they enjoy being around me but they say they do. I used to think that was because they wanted to spend time with someone before they could replace me for somebody who is really enjoyable to be around, but they said me that wasn't true because otherwise they would not have spend holidays with me and even though I am still wary it was because she invited all others before me but they couldnt go, it convinced me.
Friendship feels like a never ending audition from my part, but at least I've got two friends who say they will not trade me for someone better and thats very wonderful especially when you do not have any siblings and all the people that meet you for the first time think you're some kind of weirdo with a monotonous voice, weird interests, no grownup aspirations and bad looks (I don't know WHY, because I am not horribly ugly and I spend two hours a day maintaining my looks, but for some reason nobody thinks I'm pretty either).

I KNEW it. I KNEW he wouldnt invest more in our "relationship" other than: SAY I'M RIGHT OTHERWISE I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE.
I am worth nothing to him, NOTHING, if I do not say that I'm sorry because HE has hurt MY feelings. He doesn't even want to admit it. I'm DONE with it, DONE!! ######6 HATE YOU LOSER!
I don't know why I'm so angry if I decided that I choose for myself and I got a chance to dump him so IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am the one who dumps HIM so HE feels rejected NOT ME. I should be glad that God gave me this chance and I am, absolutely. But I am still angry.
Maybe because like I said, I'm the only one who feels hurt. He will simply not care. I can only hope that there exists something like karma. But I'm convinced it exist.
Thats the only thing that makes me stay strong and keeps me from bursting out in tears.
The worst thing is that its ALL MY FAULT for trusting him and forgiving him time after time. So nobody will have pity on me. ###$ THEM. I freaking HATE most people. Why are they so judgemental? Why do they always want to right? I'm sick of it, SICK. My friends I talked about earlier and my parents are the same. They say "Do not talk to him anymore" because they pretend they "are concerned about me" but in reality, they just do not want me to have a relationship thats better than theirs, or they wAnt to be the right and sensible one to feel better than me.
I know this probably isn't true but I need to be mad at someone else for a change because I am tired of being furious at him or me.

I want to throw things to the wall, but that's probably not a good idea because I think objects have feelings and I'm very attached to every single thing I own. The last time I threw something to the wall - my phone - I cried like a sea cow when I thought it was broken (it wasn't fortunately). My ideal job would be at a demolition company. I want to throw David to the wall, hahaha. But seriously, if I have the opportunity to slam his head to the wall I would kill him, I think. Or at least give him severe injuries. I am so angry, I want to pull him by his hair scratch his face and his eyes out and stab him with a knife. It doesn't matter if he dies by coincidence; nobody will probably miss him ...

[ Continued ]

Is it my fault, that I am interested in his life, want to help him with his study and even sent an email to a girl he fancies but does not dare to speak to her even though I am in love with him?
According to that loser, it is.
He thinks the above things mean I am "interfering with his life" and "I do not respect him" "I am a stalker" etc etc. And when I get angry because I only try to help him he says that "I put on a show again"
But [i]I've had enough[/i].
I do not DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I told him that exactly. Of course, I will be the one who turns out to be hurt the most, since I love him more than he loves me. And that SUCKS. It really sucks. He is like, one of the few things in my life I really care about. Even though I don't know why. He gives me the feeling that its possible, that I am able to love someone, that my future will not be terribly lonely. He is the only one I want children with. Too bad he hates them.
My future was bleak already, but it will be even worse without him. BUT, I will survive. I just do not deserve this. It means everyone around me who doesnt want me to have a happy love life will be right in the end. And I will be the one who stays single forever.
But I don't mind. Today I will no longer function as a doormat. I hope he will never find another girl again that loves him the way I did. Serves him right. Even better, he should stay single forever. And one day he will know what he ruined, but then it will be too late. Too late. And he will call me, and I will answer the phone, and that will be the only thing I say before I hang up.

I send my therapist an email about my feelings. I do not expect much from it. I expect that she is trying to be 'hard' since she thinks my low self esteem is a ridiculous excuse to be lazy, and that she tries to help me by not replying at all, which is good in her book, but the most frustrating thing on earth in mine.
So, if she doesn't reply its officially hopeless - then I am the cause of all my problems. Then I seriously hate myself. I only need a plan to punish myself. Before you think `waittt this is scaaarrryyyyy in combination with the title´ I am not the type for committing suicide or anything that drastic (since: A. The thought of death makes me sick in the stomach, thats how scared I am of dying B. I actually have loving friends and family - I do not have siblings and I feel terribly lonely because of that, but I have two parents and other great family members. I could never hurt them and C. There still are things I enjoy in life. Wow, a lot of reasons, I am getting kind of happy because of it actually)
But anyway. There are less drastic things. I just had enough. I´m a horrible person that hasn´t suffered the way I deserved.