Arghh. It always goes like this. You should have seen my blogs from six years ago. They are as horribly pessimistic as this one. And then I look back at them, and feel incredibly ashamed, like its not me but some monster that wrote it. But then I see that its totally me cause all my blogs turn out the same: they START kind of normal, sometimes even remotely funny, but quickly turn into a downward spiral of (self)hate and anger. And then I compare my weblog to that of others and I feel I am superficial and dumb and humiliated in comparison to them. This neverending cycle has to end. Now I will say something positive. I saw a very good movie today, its called "Sonny boy" its a Dutch movie about a Dutch woman who falls in love with a immigrant from Suriname but a lot of things go wrong (the ex man hates her, she doesn't see her children, they do not have money) and they get a child together but then WO2 starts and the end is really sad. The saddest thing is that it is based on real people. Anyway, now the positive thing turns again into something pessimistic but I watched it with my family so that was nice.
the rest of the day I just lay in bed or went "window shopping on the internet" planning to buy things, even though I don't even have a job, but its the only thing that keeps my mind off the rest of my life so yeah. And now you might think that my life is miserable up but it isn't. I have a perfect normal life but if I could only enjoy it... I am such a weak person. Oh no not again. I am going to bed now and I am really looking forward to it!! *sigh* before I finished my ocd rituals

I get what you mean... it's the same thing with my diary. It starts off with me just recapping random information I deem to be important (to myself, anyways) and just explaining the day that went by.. then it gets twisted, hateful, paranoid, depressed... I don't remember writing it. I get disgusted and ashamed when I see it. It's a feeling like.. almost like guilt or something. Like if someone else were to see this, then...

So I either burn the diary or rip out the pages and start a new.. I've gone through this feeling as well. At least 21 times now? I've bought plastic diaries so I can't burn them as much..

Just a quite not. I like reading your blog.