Meh ......

This week doesn't seem to be getting any better i feel pretty grim still SH thoughts feel a little uncontrollable and the 'need' to do it is increasing. I don't want it back in my life but its starting to creep back in ..... I really want to attack my arm right now but i can't simply because i am going out to a special event where i am wearing a dress that would mean i couldnt hide them.

I'm so scared at the moment, my unwell indicators are starting to surface .... my sleep is becoming more and more distrurbed, my appetite is horrendous all of a sudden, aggitated, withdrawn and nightmares are on the increase ..... i can see them but i don't know what i'm meant to do now they are here. I don't want things to go back to how they were i'm scared that things will escalate again. I also need to get better at med taking am sure that that would help but what do i do now that these things are starting?? Thinking of ringing my CPN tomorrow but i don't really know what to say to her its not like she can change any of it ....

On teh possitive side i have completely finished cleaning and moving out of my flat yay!

So thats how i feel today ... i feel like all i do is screw up and let people down. Its been weeks since i last SH'd and then today i screwed up and ended up cutting. Old habbits die hard i guess. It was kinda semi-planned but even when i did it i was dissapointed straight away it didn't bring the same sense of relief that it has previously and i instantly felt angry and cross at myself. I feel like i have let everyone in my life down, the people that i know care and want to see me succeed, people on here and i guess mostly myself. I wasn't going to tell my parents mostly because i didn't know how but my mum was telling me how well i had done to get through a difficult day without SH and then it kinda all came tumbling out and there it was ..... I could see that it had upset her and i guess therefore in my head meant i let her down. I think that i feel like that because thats what i think so so will everyone else.

I did text a friend of mine whom i have known a long long time and probably knows alot more about me than anyone else i know. She knows where my thoughts are at and what my struggles are but she didn't reply and she probably won't. I don't know what it is i expect her to say or do but i guess for her to tell me it doesn't matter would really help. But i guess i shouldn't rely on other people for approval and encouragement. I guess i need to learn to be able to do that for myself.

I used to hallucinate lots and have fairly regular nightmares and in the last few weeks the thing i used to see has completely stopped. My nightmares have reduced significantly ..... I am very very relieved at this but it kinda leaves me feeling very weird and slightly on edge. It makes me feel like it never even happend and wasn't real (which although i know it wasn't) i can't help feel like i'm loosing my mind even more. The content of my nightmares have been really plaguing my thoughts these last few days. It's left me feeling dirty and disgusting, violated horrid and mega confused. Part of my SH has always been about making myself clean and pure and it feels like i have all this bad stuff running through my body and i can't get it out ... this then leaves me feeling like i need to hurt myself or engage in other equally hurtful behaviours .....

I can't get the feeling of being a screw up out of my head and all the thoughts of being a dissapointment. *sigh*

I'm not really sure what i want to write about today ....

Had a rough day yesterday not entirely sure why or what set it off just that i really struggled esp in the evening. My day started by catching up with a friend who i haven't seen in a while mainly because i have been really selective in who i want to spend my time with because i have been feeling pretty vulnerable. I love seeing her and she herself has been having a tough time lately but i sometimes feel like she thinks im exaggerating how things have been she asked me about being in hospital and when i was talking about it it ended up her being like oh yeah my counsellor said ..... and whenever i leave i always end up feeling like its a competition as of to who has had the worst time of it. I don't want it to be like that and it really puts me off spending time with her as much as i love her i just find her quite hard work.

I don't think i did very much yesterday afternoon i can't really remember .... but i then spent the evening on my own watching tv. I found the evening the hardest and my thoughts had been wandering around all over the place all day. My urges to hurt myself were really strong but i didn't do anything so i am proud of myself for that. I started my evenig watching children in need but i decided to opt for a comedy dvd instead because children in need was abit too triggering for me and it wasn't helping my urges. My brother rang aswel and he was really rude to me but i don't know why he says he wasn't but i feel he was and i texted him to tell him that it had upset me that he just hung up when i was speaking to him .... that really annoyed me because then he tried to deny it. I was meant to spend yesterday evening re-discovering my bedroom floor so that i can bring some more stuff back from my flat but i couldn't find the energy or motivation to do it. So i did that this morning and it took me ages however i did have abit of a sort out of my clothes for charity and other stuff i don't really need/want .... My parents have been out all day so i have spent some time just me and my sister which has been really special its been a long time since we did stuff just the 2 of us even just her sitting chatting whilst i tidied my room apparently she calls this 'helping' ..... So when we got home my parents were back and teh first thing my mum said was so have you finished at you flat now? I felt crushed i am trying so hard to get stuff done there its just hard because with it there is such a range of emotions and it makes me feel like im not doing a good enough job or quick enough. So now im sat thinking well maybe i should go now and get some more stuff .... i feel that she doesn't see the achievements that i have made just the things i am yet to do. I feel frustrated because i need some help with some things which i have asked for and im still waiting .... i have another 10days until i have to be completely out and flat cleaned and im nearly done just not quite .... even though i'm moving home its still feeling quite stressful.

I could really easily sit and cry now but i'm always scared that once i start i won't be able to stop and that it will become too overwhelming and i will end up hurting myself neither of which i want to do. I'm tring really hard to be honest with my parents about how i feel, but this is proving to be more difficult than i expected. They are having quite a tough time at the moment with other things and i can see that they are struggling with things so i'm tryign my best not to do the i can't tell them thing because i want to protect them from it and don't want to upset them. I know though from experience especially in the last 6months that this never ends particularly well. My mum thought yesterday that i didnt ever think about SH which isn't the case and i told her that. I think about it everyday some days less than others and somedays there...

[ Continued ]

So today my plan is to keep myself busy .... I have seen my CPN this morning and we went for a coffee and made a few plans of things i want to try and achieve and i actually managed to be pretty honest with her about how things really are. I have been struggling with taking my meds for various reasons and it started off as forgetting but it did become more of a choice. As a nurse i know the importance of making sure meds are taken when they are prescribed and regularly for them to work and do their job blah blah blah ... some how i was able to rationalise all this out and decided that actually i was an exception to that rule and it didn't apply to me. On monday evening my friends gave me a telling off for want of a better phrase and i have made a huge effort to make sure i am taking them everyday ... so far so good and they are going to keep asking me if i am or not no matter how annoying i think they are I also gave my cpn my new supply of blades as i bought them last week and was convinced that i would have to use them to get through but they remained unopened and i decided that afterall i didn't want/ need them so i feel pretty proud of myself.

So now im home from cpn visit i feel really tired despite a good sleep last night ... this is an unususal thing for me as i normally am a rubbish sleeper and have lots of nightmares but in the last maybe 2weeks i have only had one nightmare and generally most nights have a pretty good sleep. But when i wake up i'm still knackered which is annoying. So when ive done this i want to do some baking to keep myself occupied. I think im going to bake some white choc and cranberry cookies and then some mini raspberry and white choc cheescakes which are delicious they however are for a friend .... I'm also in the middle of moving out of my flat so i aim to go and pick up teh rest of my clothes and pack my remaining things and then next week i can go and give it a really good clean ready for the estate agent to complete teh inspection .... i don't think i actually have too much left to do or at least thats what i'm hoping.

Tonight i am gonna hang out with a friend and go into town i think which i'm really looking forward to i really love spending time with her .... shes been amazing through all of this well actually through everything that has ever happened i think ive known her since i was 6/7 so thats like 20yrs! she knows me so well and asks all the direct difficult questions but actually i really love that about her .... shes a real gem!

Have started the ball rolling with putting a claim in for benefits so just need to wait and see what happens with that and spoke with my manager at work yesterday. I really like her shes been really supportive and really wants to help i just need to wait to occupational health who i absolutely detest seeing and they always make me feel terrible and come out with the most insensitive comments to say that they are doctors! Hoping to go back in janurary but everyone keeps saying lets just see how things are going ... i really miss work and the people i work with though ... the other thing is i'm not entirely sure what job im actually going back to do at the moment.

Well i'm gonna go and start baking and see what happens and hope i don't run out of energy!

I am normally a very avid journal writter but have decided i might give this abit of a go sometimes just being able to get things out there and know that other people have a vague idea of what is floating through my jumbled up mind helps me. Not that i want tea and sympathy or necessarily lots of comments but just to be able to get it out there. Also i often use bits of my journal to communicate difficult things either with my family and one very close friend and sometimes my cpn i have recently found that that has stopped me writting somethings. So i'm gonna have a go and see what happens. I doubt i'll do it everyday my life really isn't that interesting but we'll see what happens ..... and i appologise now for my horrendous spelling and grammer!

Today has been a better day than yesterday i was a very moody so and so .... and was really struggling with the thoughts running through my head. Today i went to see my grandparents with my dad for lunch which was lovely i decided i needed to tell them what was going on in my life and about my SH as we will be at a wedding soon and i didnt want them to see my scars and be shocked and also it felt like i was expecting my family to keep it a secreet and whilst i dont want everyone to know my business i dont want it to feel like a secreet anymore because for me that just adds to the shame and embarrassment i already feel. I was petrified about how they would react but my grandma was lovely just said how sorry she was that i felt this bad and she didnt expect me to explain the reasons for it etc etc which was mega helpful because i'm not really in a place to be able to do that.

Saw my gorgeous godsons this afternoon and played a gazillion games with the youngest then we made pizza for tea and did bedtime stories and reading books etc with them. Such fond memories for when they grow up and don't want me to do that anymore in fairness the eldest of the 2 isn't all that bothered by playing games etc he would much rather build a lego creation! They always make me smile and i always leave feeling good.

Anyways ramble over and heading to bed for some sleep hopefully.