I'm not really sure what i want to write about today ....

Had a rough day yesterday not entirely sure why or what set it off just that i really struggled esp in the evening. My day started by catching up with a friend who i haven't seen in a while mainly because i have been really selective in who i want to spend my time with because i have been feeling pretty vulnerable. I love seeing her and she herself has been having a tough time lately but i sometimes feel like she thinks im exaggerating how things have been she asked me about being in hospital and when i was talking about it it ended up her being like oh yeah my counsellor said ..... and whenever i leave i always end up feeling like its a competition as of to who has had the worst time of it. I don't want it to be like that and it really puts me off spending time with her as much as i love her i just find her quite hard work.

I don't think i did very much yesterday afternoon i can't really remember .... but i then spent the evening on my own watching tv. I found the evening the hardest and my thoughts had been wandering around all over the place all day. My urges to hurt myself were really strong but i didn't do anything so i am proud of myself for that. I started my evenig watching children in need but i decided to opt for a comedy dvd instead because children in need was abit too triggering for me and it wasn't helping my urges. My brother rang aswel and he was really rude to me but i don't know why he says he wasn't but i feel he was and i texted him to tell him that it had upset me that he just hung up when i was speaking to him .... that really annoyed me because then he tried to deny it. I was meant to spend yesterday evening re-discovering my bedroom floor so that i can bring some more stuff back from my flat but i couldn't find the energy or motivation to do it. So i did that this morning and it took me ages however i did have abit of a sort out of my clothes for charity and other stuff i don't really need/want .... My parents have been out all day so i have spent some time just me and my sister which has been really special its been a long time since we did stuff just the 2 of us even just her sitting chatting whilst i tidied my room apparently she calls this 'helping' ..... So when we got home my parents were back and teh first thing my mum said was so have you finished at you flat now? I felt crushed i am trying so hard to get stuff done there its just hard because with it there is such a range of emotions and it makes me feel like im not doing a good enough job or quick enough. So now im sat thinking well maybe i should go now and get some more stuff .... i feel that she doesn't see the achievements that i have made just the things i am yet to do. I feel frustrated because i need some help with some things which i have asked for and im still waiting .... i have another 10days until i have to be completely out and flat cleaned and im nearly done just not quite .... even though i'm moving home its still feeling quite stressful.

I could really easily sit and cry now but i'm always scared that once i start i won't be able to stop and that it will become too overwhelming and i will end up hurting myself neither of which i want to do. I'm tring really hard to be honest with my parents about how i feel, but this is proving to be more difficult than i expected. They are having quite a tough time at the moment with other things and i can see that they are struggling with things so i'm tryign my best not to do the i can't tell them thing because i want to protect them from it and don't want to upset them. I know though from experience especially in the last 6months that this never ends particularly well. My mum thought yesterday that i didnt ever think about SH which isn't the case and i told her that. I think about it everyday some days less than others and somedays there are urges and other days there aren't. I'm finding though that i am triggered by my own scars. At the moment i am missing the blood because for me it meant that the bad stuff was coming out and now its not its just in me and staying me i'm trying to find away to get it out but its not working. I have made myself vomitt a few times but i don't like doing that very much because it leaves me with really bad heartburn and i also don't want to replce one bad habbit with another!

Anyways waffle is over for now ..... think im gonna go and get some more stuff from my flat ...