Wednesday 25 January
46 days sober
RR 100%

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine be done.
Amen
……………..

Remember for today: Keep repeating “God’s will” in your mind – all the time!
……..
Had a realisation just a moment ago. Just after I would act out, at my most sober, a voice would always cry out from inside me saying “This isn’t you”. The addict side of me would think, if I could just kill that voice, if I could effectively just kill my soul then I would have peace of mind. My addict mind would make up nonsense that this soul is a product of my life experience rather than nature, but now I realise that this soul was born inside me. It’s born within everyone. And the idea of “killing” this soul is stupid. It’s the soul that allows us to feel joy, happiness and peace of mind. People do bad things to eachother and act tough, thinking that if they go through enough emotional pain their soul will harden or that little voice that speaks up when they do something bad will go away. We use addictive behaviour be it sex, alcohol, you name it to try to plaster over the cracks. Because the more we try to kill this soul, the more miserable we feel when we are sober. The less peace of mind we have when we are sober.

Apart from that, someone was really pushing my buttons at work yesterday. I felt a lot of painful hurt and sadness over this but I didn’t act out. And I don’t just mean in terms of my bottom lines relating to sex addiction! I mean I kept my side of the street clean – my actions were polite and civil in response. I simply followed God’s will as best I could.