So, like the title says....

idk what's exactly going on. Life is just as complicated now as it was last year. Been since Nov that I was even here I think. Things are ok overall, bill getting paid and all that. I'm trying to go back to writing. Need to work on ed and ocd stuffs, it's getting very unhealthy. Trauma crap popped up, lots of lost time, more of us coming forward and then there's physical stuff. Lots of change and frustration, but I'm coping mostly.

And it's been three months. Wow. I don't even know where time goes. Talk about lost time, but it seems like the name and the actual thing don't coordinate in my head. Will try to tell someone in the same sentence that I don't lose time, but I'm not sure where February or March went. There has been denial, in and out of it. Then the kids pop up and how do you deny that? I think Carol has been out and about, but seems to be respecting the rest of us that share this body. There's definitely been drinking, but nothing totally overboard. I will call that progress for sure! I've given up on thinking this body will ever be totally sober, but in moderation I'll deal with. I'm not good at compromise, but then neither is she. It's taken so long to get to this point, and I'm still really uncomfortable with her being in control, but I don't have to worry that we will wind up in another life threatening situation. Chori and I have cut back on si, though it's been a struggle lately for me. A heavy one. It's been about 6 months and it's kind of a turning point. Every 6 month mark for some reason. Currently there is no si happening, but idk if one of us will give in or not. Pros and Cons being thought through. If I get through the next couple of weeks I should be good for another 6 months or so. Guess we'll find out.

There've been med changes. I'm not sure I'm entirely happy with the number of pills we're on. In the morning it's the vitamins, d/calcium supplement, lamictal, wellbutrin - which I have to take in two separate pills, prevacid, neurontin, florastor, buspar, iron supplement, and then the ibuprofen and prn anxiety pills. Got another neurontin mid day and can take prn ibuprofen and anxiety pills if needed, at night it's neurontin, buspar, seroquel, and prns again if needed. That's....takes a moment to count...13 prescriptions? idk if I should count the inhaler or not. I get worried about the amount of chemicals in the body, but on the other hand we all seem relatively stable now.

Money situation has gotten much better. Have gotten disability payments and hubby found something part time too. We are getting some much needed work done on the house and buying a ton of stuff that we all need. Getting a gift or two for those inside. Got an owl for Cassie, she seems happy with it. I know she's wanted something. Carol went and spent a bunch of money on make up, though not much given what we have to spend right now. Was very bewildered the other day to come around to seriously heavy eyeliner. Took like 20 minutes to get off. It's weird, some of us seem to be missing right now, but that doesn't make any sense. Cassidy is like taking a break or something? I know she's still there, but she's never out or even really co con. I know Carol and Cassie have been active. I've been active. Willow hasn't been, but she's totally in the background helping keep us all calm. Others are poking their heads up briefly, so meeting some that haven't bothered to surface til now.

The car is slowly coming together. Appointments made for more work. Fixing stuff up around the house. Been kind of lonely, but I don't know why since I haven't been alone internally or externally. The body just seems tired, idk maybe cuz of when I get to come out, but seems more like a weariness. Slept like 14 hours and been up almost 11. I'm so ready to go back to bed. Unintentionally seemed to wean off of caffeine. I just stopped drinking the coffee and haven't bought any pop really so it's been just water and some gatorade, but I'm out of gatorade anyway. (Yes, Chori, I hear you. We'll get some.)

Now I'm just babbling, so probably should wrap this up. For the most part things are going well, although I couldn't tell you what I did in February. Not that that is unusual anyway. Have missed popping in here, and so has Cassie. Would like to be more active here, but it seems like we're always catching up and then tired by the time...

[ Continued ]

Soon as I noticed we were blogging monthly missed a month. Ah well, maybe that'll keep us from feeling obligated.

Things actually looked up for like 36 hours or so. f*** 2015, and 2016 is off to a #######5 start too. Now we have 4 people in the house and no one has a job. 2 of us are disabled, one is a minor, and the fourth was working but got canned. You know how places will look for a reason to fire someone, no matter how stupid? Yup, that was one of those.

About a week after we got a car here we lost our only income. Turning signals and heater died on the car, and now we can't repair it because that takes money so we're just driving it illegally. Don't know what else to do.

Panicking, just panicking. That and ready to throw in the towel completely. Am always depressed and suicidal this time of year, and this just kind of gives a reason to be. Or another reason I suppose. Really trying to hang in there, but half of us don't want to bother at all and the other half are plain exhausted.

Being an adult sucks.

Just noticed that I'm posting about monthly and that today is a year since I registered. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. lol Even when I'm not trying to keep things even it happens. I wonder if that's the ocd working behind the scenes? Like, am I subconsciously posting once a month? Now that I noticed it's going to become a thing though. Cuz that's how we roll.

There have been a lot of physical problems lately. Trying to get them taken care of, but it's hard because it's so much and so overwhelming. There's not a lot of support or help right now. A couple very close friends are trying, but most of the people I know have some sort of chaos going on in their lives. The smaller ones are in a bit of a panic and I keep trying to soothe them and let them know that it's nothing they did wrong and that we're not being punished or attacked. It's hard for them to understand, they just know that we're in pain mainly.

Money, as always, sucks. Still no car because every time I get some money stashed away either husband spends it or one of us does. Usually on very inappropriate things, too. People keep asking about it and it's hard to answer because it's embarrassing and because there will be lectures if people find out. Mostly I just want to be left alone, but others here don't, and it wouldn't matter anyway since it's not an option.

Not been in a great place in general. About a month out from a cutting relapse, and struggling not to do it again. There is something going on between Pru and hubby, but I'm not sure what. Whatever it is, it's tense and stressful. I am bored out of my mind because we've been laid up for a couple weeks here. (Nothing major, and healing fine) I'm feeling the old "I'd like to be a hermit living in a hut in the mountains" thing again.

Must be losing time or something because it doesn't seem like it's been a month. A week or two maybe, but not this many. Have been depressed, but that is getting slightly better. It won't stay better because of the time of year, but maybe I'll have a few days to catch up.

With all of the switching back and forth and time loss and stuff it's hard to make sure body is being taken care of. I ate Saturday...and then no one ate until Tuesday. Like, wtf? At some point there should have been hunger I'd think. (In case anyone is worried, this is a very rare thing. In fact I think this is the first time it's happened for more than a day.) Going to have to set an alarm to eat. *beep beep beep* "Eat dummy!"

Guess I don't have much to talk about since I'm not entirely sure what's been going on with us or the family and stuff. Well, other than there are more bills than money, but that's pretty typical.

~~Pru~~