No more Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde..
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My new definition; Im now ; Dissociated mental health person/Middle class person... This is where Im going or all ready becoming. Meaning; my new definition is troubled person to middle class person; Not Dr Jekyll from Mr Hyde. Im now able to be both these people; Not the broken person wishing someday I might be able to become a middle class person. Im showing signs of becoming a middle class person more n more.
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I went to a meeting; I then went down town; in my small town... I saw the middle class people; I saw them go by; walk the down town streets. I was very close to jumping in and becoming one of them. I haven't felt that free sense 8 years old. No walls; I mean; ya; deeper emotional walls; part of me is still in my broken childhood and not the present.
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I got out of a meeting with a group of drunks. I tried to explain; " You can call yourselves what ever you want" "me" " Im a dual diagnosed person through mental health" " Im using all means in this town as a giant recovery center"; and Ive been doing this for years. My definition is Dual Diagnosed person. Others are CO-dependent; Drug addicts; Drunks; Alcoholics... Gamblers. I have my mental health diagnosis; thats fine for me. The issue afters years of work. Many people take on the Title of the group they attend. I dont. I certainly have the same problems as those in those groups but not the same extent. Trauma is my biggest disease; Im not suggesting alcohol and drugs were not a dangerous scale for a while; at certain times they were; but in both case; they died down; And that was a GOd thing. My potential was high and threatening for these addictions; but they never manifested... THe rug was pulled out on both of them abruptly. It just wasnt meant to be... DOesnt mean I dont have scars from both rituals; I remember my drug use; I remember the secondary alcohol use period and the bars and horrible flop house I lived in... I dont even want to remember..... A change of events occured and all things came to an end and I found myself in the basement of churches in the12 step recovery process; not using anything and trying to keep myself alive from committing suicide. Around that time period I had stopped drinking...
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Everyone I meet in the recovery process; they'r what ever the title of the 12 step group; Me; Im nun--of them. Im a dual diagnosed. Its through mental health; not some 12 step meetings.
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I didnt drink enough to be a full blown-drunk; that doesnt mean I wasnt drinking alcoholically at the end. ; But at some point I couldnt stop drinking; but very quickly I ended up in the nut house for PTSD problems; and then someone introduced me to my first 12 step meeting. ANd the rest is history. Didnt use enough drugs to be a real committed drug addict; but I got fairly close to some form of disaster when in high school using drugs.. I hurt my brain and I was on a run for about a year; it escalated. After the drug overdoes( In to the hospitals) and bad trips; I couldn't take anymore and slowed way down and finally just stopped. I had no more interest in rupturing my broken mind; it was already ruptured and dissociative. I seriously couldnt use anymore because my brain was hurt. Didnt want to; Several years and Ill pick up alcohol and start with that until that explodes and starts looking alcoholic... But then it didnt last all that long; it was cut short because mental illness got me into the nut house And the rest is history; Dual diagnosed.
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Im dual diagnosed... they go hand n hand; addictions and trauma; Some of us are more trauma based then addiction based; thats me... However; I did have my go around with drugs and alcohol; Its almost like a preliminary to the preliminary. I got a pre addiction experience before the addiction experience; it was GOd showing me my future if I continued down this...

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