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Callalily
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- July 2015
A smile from a veil
   Sun Jul 12, 2015 12:17 am
childhood_pt1
   Sun Jul 05, 2015 8:43 pm

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A smile from a veil

Permanent Linkby Callalily on Sun Jul 12, 2015 12:17 am

I look back a girl who's trying to sound very clever and be very cool. You helped me know myself. You made me want to be real.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDbeqj-1XOo

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childhood_pt1

Permanent Linkby Callalily on Sun Jul 05, 2015 8:43 pm

I was sad a lot. I remember I would feel especially sad going to bed early in summer when it was still light out. My parents used to leave a record playing, Saint-Saens The Aquarium. I worried about all the sad, lonely things, like baby animals outside. For a while I tried to sleep with all 26 of my stuffed animals on the bed so none of them would feel left out. It was actually really hot and uncomfortable!

I loved writing and I loved reading. I wanted to live in medieval Europe (or my version of it, a wintry world of broadswords and emeralds and witchcraft). Today I still like words that sound medieval to me, like "cardinal" and "sable." I drew lots and lots of castles although I'm terrible at drawing so the walls just looked like rows of marshmallows. I would make little adventures for my brother outside: treasure maps and quests. We would brew potions out of food coloring and spices from my mom's cabinet. Once we decided we were going to live outside, off of onion grass and honeysuckle, and I decided to try and fill a jar with honeysuckle nectar.

I was also anxious. I sucked my thumb for a long time, which I still do some version of that when I need to calm down. Winter mornings when we could see our breath I always pretended I was smoking. At one point I developed this terrible fear of being the last one awake at night. It was very strange; I was scared about going to sleep all day, and when my parents finished tucking me in I'd make them tell me how much longer they'd be up. Then I'd frantically try to go to sleep as quickly as possible. You can imagine how well that worked. >_<

I loved the feeling of the world around me. Morning sun, the smell of grass, the taste of berries, fall colors, mom braiding my hair.

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Letter for Dr. D

Permanent Linkby Callalily on Fri May 22, 2015 5:08 am

Dear _____,

No matter what you say or do that hurts me, I know you are not a cruel person. You are kind and gentle and humble and loving. It's just you've needed to defend those things more fiercely than I have.

I miss just being near you. Not talking always, maybe just listening to music with the fear of the day melting softly away.

I want to give you everything that I can, whatever that's worth. I want to hold your hand to show that I'm with you, I want to fall asleep on your shoulder to show I feel safe. Just in this moment now, not every minute of every day for scary ever so you feel like you're in a horrible trap. Only when it feels okay to both of us.

And I know you will probably never come and find me again. But I wish you peace and warmth and kindness always. And love.

your friend, M

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Help

Permanent Linkby Callalily on Fri May 15, 2015 3:43 am

I am alone and I am collapsing.

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Duh

Permanent Linkby Callalily on Tue Dec 23, 2014 8:57 am

Ohhhhhhh ###$ that is so embarrassing. I am retarded. God damn it all to hell why am I so stupid at everything?? Apparently I can scratch spying off my list of talents. That was so stupid, why did I do that? And now he'll no longer think of me as trustworthy. Awesome. I wish this stupid year would just ######6 end.

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