I switched insurance a couple months ago. Durring that time I ran out of my anti-depressant (about one month ago) and greatly lowered the dose on my anti-psych. I found a new psychiatrist, finally.

I saw him for the first time last week. We decided to switch the anti-psych med due to very embarrassing side effects (a man growing boobs is a great joke, but really terrible in real life...dont worry Im not a D cup or anything, so dont picture the big guy from fight club) and he put me back on a low dose of zoloft.

The psych Im switching to though, he only gave me some sample boxes. Enough to last me 2/3 of the way till our next apt. He also told me to call and check in, in case of side effects. So i call, and the #####& doesnt call me back!

I dont have any side effects, but its the trust that was broken. He asked me to check in, then he just pisses off? What a joke. My last two doctors had been scumbags, now I have a flake.

My symptoms have slowly been coming back. A little voice here, a dab of paranoia there, and ive been symptom free for a damn year. Its nothing I cant handle at this point, but how long before I end up back in the hospital?

Im getting very tired of this negligence. None of these people care about the people they look after. Thats why most schizophrenics commit suicide within 72 hours of seeing their doctor.

I bet a lot of them had been in my place at one point. Maybe months before death, maybe years. I dont want to be like that. I just want a little respect from this person that is supposed to be working with me on this.

How am i supposed to trust someone who doesnt keep promises? That session with him was the first time I felt like a doctor gave a $#%^. Wow, maybe im overreacting. I think ill just switch between being understanding of his busy schedule, and hating how he dismissed me like that. Not a good plan, but thats most likely what will happen.

Early morning is really my favorite time of day. Having that first smoke in the foggy, hazy light is absolutely perfect. Theres never anyone awake, so Im not forced to make any casual conversation. Nothing there but myself and reflections of my dreams.

I wouldnt trade this time for anything in the world.

I guess a short introduction is in order. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia about two years ago. That changed to schizo-affective, and under the care of an incompitent doctor was switched to deppression with psychotic features. All of it is pointless. I dont care what they label me as, just so long as the meds work. I also happened to have met a great woman, who feels the same way. Most of our time together is very happy, but on occation she gets down. So I help her out. Sometimes I get suicidal, and she reminds me Im not a burden on everyone, and of everyone whos lives I would put in a bad way. See, thats a big deal for me. Ive never been able to talk to anyone honestly like that. So when someone comes along that brings this up, I cant help but wonder, "how long will it last?" Even though I think of that song by The Turtles when I think about her. Pretty lame, I know. Im just a big ole softy i guess. I can almost guarentee she will bolt when I have an episode around her. The mind can do some amazing things. It really can. Maybe I should just call it off now and save her the suffering. The last time I was seeing anyone was two years ago, and I put her through hell. She actually tried to kill herself. Im no saint either, Ive had a couple attempts, but its really crumby feeling responsible for something like that. I would be devastated if it happened again. If she succeeded I dont know what Id do. But shes nothing like my ex. Honest moment with myself, Im just using that as an excuse to keep her at arms length. Not just her, but most everyone. I keep my bad days to myself, most of the time, and share my good days with everyone I can rope into a conversation. Im sure Im notorious with the city bus drivers by now. Ive gotten off topic. Bottom line, Im very happy. And that makes me worry

I should be looking for a therapist right now, but instead ill get some feelings out here.
I have an intense feeling of emptyness. Nothing at all. Disconected from the few friends I have, disconnected from myself. This has been going on about two months. About a week ago I started a medication switch. Im dropping out the risperedone due to side effects, down from 6mg to 1mg, and starting on latuda 40mg and zoloft 50mg. My paranoia has been coming up again, though it is very mild, and Ive started mind reading again. Mind reading in that I hear another person's thoughts in my head. I can talk myself down at this point, and as I increase the meds Im sure it will go away, but the hallucinations are relatively new to me. Ive always been a little paranoid and I can deal with that, but my skin is so thin when it comes to the negative thoughts and feelings I perceive from everyone. Ive had two major psychotic episodes and both of them peaked with a suicide attempt. Im lucky, I get rest breaks between them. But I still cant help but hate that this will most likely go on the rest of my life. My old psychiatrist said so, at least. I used to drink and do drugs, I played in a band. We were never going to make it, but I showed promise as a session bass player. There could have been a future for me in the music industry. Lots of friends would ask me to fill in at gigs or record on their demo. Things like that. Now I lack the motivation to even learn a new song. I cant even get past my fear of failure enough to take a class at a community college or get vocational training. Fortunately I have had a job for the last 6 years, although at some points I really didnt desearve it. They were accomodating to my time off needs and didnt ask very many questions about it. So its not bad, but its also not a living wage. I hate myself for working there and not going anywhere with my life, and I hate myself for needing more. I cant help but think I'll be at this dead end for the rest of my life. There will be no progress, no milestones, no way to free myself from the restrictions of medication. I will become a blob, just living paycheck to paycheck with no love in my life. There has been this itch in my head. Just this little thought tha has been snowballing. What if it was gone? Everything. Just gone. What if my family was rid of this parasite, draining their resources. This leech that bit down and stopped the clotting. Slowly draining their psychic blood, while only just being noticed. If they were smart, they would have torn the thing off and cast it out long ago. They havent though, and Im very thankful. There is also this sense of debt to them. Like I owe something I could never pay back. There is lots of guilt in my life. Self hatred. A feeling that I desearve what has come to me. I should be in pain. I fight the urge to cut myself, mostly because I dont want to explain it to anyone. They all have enough problems because of me. Im like a tumor. A wart on the pinky of society. There is resentment for anyone who cares about me. Why should they? Im horrible. I put everyone through stress and pain. Im not in pain, but I should be. And if you bothered to read this whole thing, thank you for listening to me whine. You have a lot of patience.