I should be looking for a therapist right now, but instead ill get some feelings out here.
I have an intense feeling of emptyness. Nothing at all. Disconected from the few friends I have, disconnected from myself. This has been going on about two months. About a week ago I started a medication switch. Im dropping out the risperedone due to side effects, down from 6mg to 1mg, and starting on latuda 40mg and zoloft 50mg. My paranoia has been coming up again, though it is very mild, and Ive started mind reading again. Mind reading in that I hear another person's thoughts in my head. I can talk myself down at this point, and as I increase the meds Im sure it will go away, but the hallucinations are relatively new to me. Ive always been a little paranoid and I can deal with that, but my skin is so thin when it comes to the negative thoughts and feelings I perceive from everyone. Ive had two major psychotic episodes and both of them peaked with a suicide attempt. Im lucky, I get rest breaks between them. But I still cant help but hate that this will most likely go on the rest of my life. My old psychiatrist said so, at least. I used to drink and do drugs, I played in a band. We were never going to make it, but I showed promise as a session bass player. There could have been a future for me in the music industry. Lots of friends would ask me to fill in at gigs or record on their demo. Things like that. Now I lack the motivation to even learn a new song. I cant even get past my fear of failure enough to take a class at a community college or get vocational training. Fortunately I have had a job for the last 6 years, although at some points I really didnt desearve it. They were accomodating to my time off needs and didnt ask very many questions about it. So its not bad, but its also not a living wage. I hate myself for working there and not going anywhere with my life, and I hate myself for needing more. I cant help but think I'll be at this dead end for the rest of my life. There will be no progress, no milestones, no way to free myself from the restrictions of medication. I will become a blob, just living paycheck to paycheck with no love in my life. There has been this itch in my head. Just this little thought tha has been snowballing. What if it was gone? Everything. Just gone. What if my family was rid of this parasite, draining their resources. This leech that bit down and stopped the clotting. Slowly draining their psychic blood, while only just being noticed. If they were smart, they would have torn the thing off and cast it out long ago. They havent though, and Im very thankful. There is also this sense of debt to them. Like I owe something I could never pay back. There is lots of guilt in my life. Self hatred. A feeling that I desearve what has come to me. I should be in pain. I fight the urge to cut myself, mostly because I dont want to explain it to anyone. They all have enough problems because of me. Im like a tumor. A wart on the pinky of society. There is resentment for anyone who cares about me. Why should they? Im horrible. I put everyone through stress and pain. Im not in pain, but I should be. And if you bothered to read this whole thing, thank you for listening to me whine. You have a lot of patience.