Except, I'm no longer feeling as nuts and impulsive and I'm going to be reasonable and sensible and get a good price for the phone. I'm still going to undercut the market, but not by so much. I'm going to get at least $300-350 for it.

The needs is just so urgent, but I'm not throwing something away so important to me for next to nothing--it's going to count. If I ration $300+ out that will be me for food and other things for a decent while; until I get my back pay. I just need to make it until I get my back pay,.. dammit.

My a-hole rich father could toss $100-$200 my way, that's nothing to him but he wont. Instead, I recently had to make a gut wrenching, guilt-filled call to ask my mom for $80.00 to get my meds so I don't top myself. I didn't tell her that though; I didn't tell her I was suicidal rather I tried to dance around it. She said she knew anyway, she could tell.

I tell you, sometimes I entertain ideas of being a criminal. I just can't seem to function in this world the way most others can. That needn't be a permanent thing, but I'm very depressed at the moment. I'm just not myself -- I don't recognize myself at all and I haven't had that this severely in many, many years.

This is also frustrating as I'm in a position where I cannot fight as I'd generally do, mostly I'm just holding on as that's all I can do.

At least with my decision to sell my phone in a more rational manner I'm demonstrating to myself that I'm actively thinking of things I can do to improve my situation; and moreover, survive. That is something I recognize.

I simply can't bring myself to type 'wanna' -- I can barely bring myself to do it even with the apostrophes.

Anyway, things are getting desperate financially. How the hell can I think about the positive ideas I've got to get out there and meet friends after this separation (she was my friend, she was supposed to be the only friend I needed ultimately) including 'special' ones during the times when I'm several days without food and having nothing for myself psychologically. That is, cigarettes, energy drink,.. I'm avoiding alcohol at this stage. I got back on my meds (at half the dose) only thanks to a loan from my mom.

I'm now wishing I'd spent that $100.00 on food and cigarettes. Here in Aus they wont even let you buy cigarettes online so you don't have the option of getting them cheaper via legitimate means.. messed up, huh? They've made it illegal for the online tobacco stores to ship here. I'm going to have to start rolling my own.

I'd quit the frickin things if it there were meds available that took care of my $#%^ to a significant enough degree but there only exist meds that make it bearable for me to leave the house and speak to people at all -- and write this fkn blog for that matter.

Anyway, on to my subject title: I want to sell one of the few nice possessions I own and at a dirt cheap price at that as I want the money fast, I'm not doing 'well' and I need to get my mind off it fast and the things that will help get my mind off it require money. No, not my watch, my phone. It's painful to even write that! It was a gift from my ex, too, so it has sentimental value. I'll try to find some way around doing it.

But about my positive ideas:

-Support groups mainly to meet people: I may go to a general depression or just a general, full-stop, group as in DBT groups I hear a rule is you can't date people in the group. I'm not exactly one to care about rules that don't fit me except apparently this rule has partly to do with the fact that a lot of the females in it have had sexual abuse; even my conscious has lines if you know what I'm sayin'. Group DBT ... all of the rules bug me. I don't like being told what to do.

-Getting back to school: I've finished 2 of 4 certificates but fell ill due to the separation crap. I hear that most people can keep going with things even their marriage or long-term relationship is breaking up, or a loved one dies, and I just can't imagine that. I take that back, I can imagine it, and damn them for having it when I do not but should.

Then of course after that, getting a good paying job (if I can)

Even the support groups is an advanced step for me. There are actually 2-3 smaller steps I plan to take before that but they aren't worth mentioning.

Anyway, if I sell that phone that's up to $350,.. $200 if I sell it at the throw away price I'm thinking off in my desperation -- thing is, by the time I get a call and buyer I'll have likely been out of food for a few days. I'm going to need to go to the Salvation Army... and that's embarrassing. Damn her, my ex, she promised me, we'd be together forever--told me fate brought us together and she'd stay with me no matter what. Then she leaves, why? As I'm abusing her or something? No. Because "We weren't getting along", and "I was holding her back",.. both of those reasons are related to my difficultly living a normal life out there; schooling, and especially working--just everything really,.. I have a problem making appointments on my own especially vital ones like getting my meds refilled. Not being able to wake up for doctors appointments is bad for me mentally and painful, not waking up and feeling unable to handle school thus not going sets me back in my studies until I fall impossibly behind,.. and not getting to work on time or some days not at all? I'd be lucky if an employer would put up with that for a few days before they fire me. I understand she parted with me for valid reasons, but when you compare the reasons...

[ Continued ]

My ex in a sense ended up being my caregiver, and I've come to learn that this is common -- loved ones and everyone around the borderline, including life-partners, becoming their caregivers. The medication I've taken for 7 years was covered in the US for Bipolar I & II, the first and only other medication to be indicated and covered for Bipolar since Lithium is not covered for Bipolar in Australia so while with my ex I got it off-label,.. that is I got paid for privately and that's $105.00 for the generic.

Now living on my own on New Start Allowance --soon to be graduated to disability-- I saw no other choice but to go off of it and get on a medication covered by both the public heathcare system as well as my discount card which I get -- so, dirt cheap. I can't take Lithium nor antipsychotics (not anymore, I began to develop TD which means you're off antipsychotics for life after that) so my options were limited. Valporex was covered, though, so I gave it a try even though I was highly skeptical and I knew it had in no way been shown to help BPD and I knew for certain it does nothing for depression as Lamictal does. Not only was it horrible, but it did nothing. So I then tried taking one of the few antidepressant I can take, but without a moodstabilizer this time and it made me nuts.

Mostly I was/got confused, I wasn't reading things right, didn't handle it right and couldn't seem to word things the right way that would have otherwise made things clearer. I normally just would have said "I relate to this and this, but not to this and this" etc...

I got worried about how I'd look -- more like I panicked. I realized I may have falsely represented myself and given a false impression to an entire audience. It had nothing to do with my feelings or view of her -- she can't help the way in which she's disorder anymore than I or anyone else can help the ways in which we are disorder. The only important factor is that we're all working on changing it; that is, recovering.

I like her, and was hoping to be her friend -- not only do I believe I've blown that but I hurt someone that I actually relate to on some levels (just not all, that's all) and I also hurt someone who I know has felt enough hurt in her life already.

I'd never deliberately do anything like that to someone who has done nothing to me. Even if someone had done something to me, rarely would I ever deliberately be that cruel.

I hope she reads this. I'd send her a message and try to heal any hurt and/or damage I may have caused--the only thing holding me back is I feel I may have turned myself into a trigger for her and I don't want to make it worse.

This event was actually a key factor in my decision making to go back on Lamictal and work out a way to afford it at any cost until one day --hopefully soon-- it wont be at such a great cost.

And anyway, I don't plan on being on disability forever--I want to go back to school and finish the 4 year course I've already begun and completed 2 years of. Additionally, appropriate medication may well be crucial to that aim.

Ultimately it isn't about me; I emotionally harmed a vulnerable woman and I hope she's ok -- and if it still hurts I wish nothing more than to somehow heal her heart. She doesn't deserve to hurt anymore, none of us do. I think we've all had enough!

If "darkness is the absence of light", then is light the absence of darkness? Or, is it that light is the presence of light? Or, maybe light is darkness illuminated!

"Light is darkness illuminated." - Me

There, now I'm deep and profound. Immortalize me.

In space... no one can hear you scream at Earth.